Will my married man ever leave?

[sallyann16]

In a nutshell, I met him 2 years ago at a work conference. He told he was being kicked out of the house by his wife, but was desperate to stay because of their two children.
We started a relationship and he soon readily agreed to a divorce from his wife. However, wife then changed her mind and persuaded him to stay, but he still wanted to keep hold of me as their marriage was one purely of convenience for the kids.
He suggested buying me a ring to show his commitment, then got cold feet over that.
He then said he would stay at home for four more years until the younger boy starts secondary school.
He lives 200 miles away and at first we saw each often - but the last time was 7 months ago, though we text and phone all day every day.
I know the answer to my question really, but I need help in breaking free of this soul-destroying relationship. My self esteem is in tatters but that is what keeps me there, I suppose.
I suspect I am also addicted to the adrenalin and rollercoaster ride but it's all massively stressful and I want to have the self confidence to say, no - I deserve more.

[redcrx]

Are you just saying that in the hope that he drops everything now? if he was going to do that he would have done so by now.

[cazzz1975]

he will still be having sex with his wife, you dont rekindle a relationship on a few nice dinners you know.. ;)

[askyourgran]

Hang on sally, you haven't seen him for seven months, he's 200 miles away and you can coolly say "well lets see what happens in 4 years time". Where is the passion and the longing to get your keks off for him. I bet he's still playing around anyway. i pity his poor wife, what a plonker.

[woofgang]

lol....B00 is having an affair with her dentist...
seriously Sallyann...you are worth more, pull up your big girl knickers and tell him his fortune.

[pusskin]

you are worth more than that sallyann. move on to some one who can make commitment, and make you happy, not sad

[DTCwordfan]

Totally behind pusskin on this one, sallyann. You need some one like me - but then pinki has grabbed me, hook line and sinker.

[sallyann16]

Well some of your answers definitely made me smile, so it's been worth it - thank you! And thank you for your tough love. You've given me the kick up my 'big knickers' I need ;))

[icemaiden]

Sallyann16...I speak from experience here. I was in the exact same situation, for 15 years! I was very much in love with him and it wasn't until he walked out of my life that I realised how much it was destroying me. My whole life was him.

You know he will never leave or he would have already done so. I heard the same excuses as you have posted.
You know you have to let go, and it's not going to be easy. He will beg you to wait, he will again promise he will leave. It will hurt you alot for a long time, but you will one day feel so different and you will be alot stronger because of it. I promise.

It's really up to you. People said I wasted a big part of my life, maybe I did. Please do not waste anymore of yours.

Please keep us updated,

xx

[murraymints]

Sally......GET REAL.....he is using you.....kick him into touch NOW!!!!

[anneasquith]

i may be shot down in flames , but i have no respect for anyone who has a relationship with a married person...... put yourself in the wives position. and have more respect for yourself.

[sallyann16]

Yes you're right, I realise he IS using me as a safety net and a prop to help him through his difficult marriage. He doesn't want a proper relationship, clearly, just to know that someone is there - to text and phone and get affirmations of love from.
I'm far from anyone's fantasy woman but that's what I am to him.
Perhaps that feeling of being needed is what keeps me here - which says more about me than about him.
I will keep you all posted by for now I have backed off and emphasised I'm getting on with my own life.

[LDC134]

Sallyann, I would also suggest that you change your phone number and cut some ties - otherwise it will be all too easy to have a lonely night, bottle of wine and be back texting and needing and exactly where you are now. In my experience as soon as you really do cut ties, and don't leave any doors open, you really do get off your backside and start living your life. Go for it !

[arwyn]

WHAT DIFFICULT MARRAGE?? He has his cake and is eating it for God sake....
Drive to, or ring his Wife and ask her a few questions and see what he does.
Grow up and get a grip. You owe him nowt except telling his Wife.
After telling his Wife you will see that the only way he will come to you is if she kicks him out....

[starone]

For heaven's sake. Where's your sense girl? If he was really committed to you he would have left right away. All these excuses - can't you see he is trying to delay things but still keep you on a string. No good telling his wife - he has probably done this before so she will be used to it. My friend's lover kept her like this until they were both in their dotage and then died of a heart attack without ever leaving the comfort of his home. Sometimes I give up! Next thing you know will be his wife is pregnant so he can't leave now! Ohhhh!!!

[sallyann16]

This is exactly how it is. He can't bear to tell me we have no future because he needs me NOW, as a friend, but wants to keep me as MORE than a friend just in case. An extremely controlling man. I've started a short course of counselling to untangle this mess in my head so if you hear of a bunny boiling incident in the press, that'll be me! LOL!

[mrs_overall]

Are you mad??????

Sever all contact pronto and move on. You are worth more than this.

[boxtops]

Good luck, sallyann - you're worth more than this. Who's to say - and I don't mean to be unkind - that you are not the only one he's spinning this line to, in the intervening months? you need shot of this manipulative conniving guy, and find someone for you and you alone. Be firm, be strong, get rid.

[sallyann16]

Thank you everyone, I shall keep you posted. You've been marvellous and your brutal but funny answers have really cheered me up.