Surviving a break up

[themalster]

Hi guys,

Myself and my wife have decided to break up after 9 years together (3 married) and we have a 4 year old son.

Whilst we are both in agreement that we are more friends now, as we have drifted apart, it is going to be hard when I move out.

We broke up in November 2010 and she moved to a flat with our son as she didn't really like the area we lived in so I stayed in the house. Between then and around March 2011 it was difficult for me as I was alone in the house with all the memories. But we decided to try again and so I put the house up for sale, although we agreed I'd stay there until it was sold. It didn't end up getting sold so in April this year I decided to rent my house out and move into her flat so that we could try again.

But in the time I was at the house, I have to admit to having some small nagging doubts about moving back in and whether it would work.

Needless to say, it hasn't but we remain very good friends, and always will and I will have to move back to my parents house until I am able to go back to the house once my tenants tenancy agreement expires later this year.

I was just wondering if any dads out there could give me advice on how to cope as, although I know the break up is for the best, I'm starting to get nervous about missing my son and obviously her relationship with other men (not that she is the type to have a different fella each week!) and also her future partner's relationship with my son. I feel sorry for my son as he has been saying to me that he likes me being back with him and it breaks my heart.
Things like songs that remind me of our wedding in Cyprus to memories of us buying and living in our house give me a really gutting feeling but I know you can't be in a relationship for sentimental reasons.

Thank you for your advice in advance.

[Nini74]

I'm so sorry to hear your news, but it sounds like you're being sensible by calling it a day now while you and your wife are still friends. As you seem to get on so well with her, why not discuss your concerns with her? obviously don't go straight in there saying about different blokes etc, but you could say that its a concern for you that, at some point in the future, a new man will come into her life, and therefore the life of your son. I'm sure she'll have every empathy for you, and may even be feeling the same way about a new woman in your life. Are you planning on living close to the flat? If so, how about you collect him from school once or twice a week? as you're friends, i'm sure you can arrange something that you all go to the flat or maybe out for tea once a week on top of your normal times to see him. Speak to her frankly and honestly about it and try to agree as much as you can between you, as once the Solicitors are involved, you may feel as though things are taken out of your hands. I wish you the very best with everything xx

[pizza]

Hi themalster and sorry about your break up but as you know your son is the top concern and always will be ! and as for recognition that you both acknowledge the relationship has to move on is amazing.
Please always support each other as much as is possible and realise at times for whatever reason you think you should stay together for the sake of the kids is the wrong reason x
We all need happiness in our lives that's why you need to move on x
Wish you all the best and look forard to your happy update cx


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[themalster]

Thank you for your advice.

I'm glad we can both be friends and she has said I can see our son whenever I want.
Think that it will hurt, as I am what's known as a 'Reflector' apparently - someone who holds onto the past.
I'm sure it will take time.

[pizza]

You're welcome themalster and although it's good to reflect because we do look back at the happy memories it is good to realise why it went wrong and admit it's time to move on .
Acceptance is the key to moving on x

[themalster]

Thanks Pizza.

Will hurt a lot as we had some great times. I know that there are 5 stages of emotions I have to go through apparently.

I'm sure I'll be ok once I can accept it.

[mrs_overall]

I'm so sorry to hear of your troubles. You WILL get through it.
Just remember that the past is a dead end street.

[themalster]

Thank you.

She will always remain in my heart and I know I'll always care about her well being.

[chattykathy]

Is it an absolute definite you are going to split up? Relationships go through many stages. Have a look at this book - it certainly helped me http://www.andrewgmar...not-in-love-with-you/
Good luck.

[Matheous-2]

I too left my first marriage when my youngest daughter was only four....She is now married-I wasn't there. My eldest daughter also got married-I wasn't there.
My son also hates me and I don't even know where any of my precious three live and I regret all of what happened. I doubt very much if I'll ever see them again.
The last time I saw them was at my Mothers funeral twelve years ago....
Seriously -try to work hard at your marriage. I wish I had.

[pizza]

F.A.O Matheuos-2 you cannot stay together for the children, and relationships do break down and in time the children understand, is there no way you can get contact with your children?
Although your marriage broke up for whatever reasons, you are still their Dad !
and life is to short for bitterness.