Opinions Please - Very Stressed... Money Issues

[kat2206]

We're getting married next year... and just need some honest advice on what to do please -

Just want some advice, am feeling so damn low I have been working my a$$ off to get my monthly bonuses (£500 per month on top of salary) to help pay for the wedding, my OH doesn't earn as much as me of which I understand but I'm spending all my free money (given up fags and don't drink anyway) to keep my spending down so it can all go on the bloody wedding...

Oh, and I pay for most of the household bills and groceries too, he pays for the electric and water...

I know I'm better with money than he is, I budget for everything as soon as I get paid and have a spreadsheet so I can tick bills off as they go out of my account (we have separate accounts) but as soon as I mention money he just clams up, he is *** with money and it just burns a hole in his pocket and then he's skint toward his payday..

I was doing the household filing this afternoon and found one of my OH bank statements... his direct debits come to around £200 (I wish) so he has over £700 to himself each month... I've hardly seen any of it and I'm just so angry I cant even talk to him at the moment... What do I do?

We've only got about £3,000 left to pay on the wedding but that's just not the point, I feel so let down and quite frankly a little cross too.

[B00]

Ask him where the money's gone to?

If thr answer to the above satisfies you, plan a low budget wedding. I fail to see the need to stress yourself out over a 'glorified party' and a pouffy dress if it means you're skint up to and wayyyy after the event.

The main thing is you're supposed to be in love, and want to prove that love with a commitment- you don't need the razzamatazz to prove it.

[kvalidir]

Some people like to enjoy their money on a daily basis and some people like to save and budget for bigger things, it sounds like you are one of each, which is a potential problem. If you love him then the size of wedding ought not to matter, but if it does anyway then talk to him about it and maybe try to even out the household bills a bit more so you feel less resentful about his surplus cash.

[kat2206]

I agree and wanted a registry office wedding but that was a little selfish of me, I've been married before but didn't have the big white wedding even then but it didn't bother me but OH really wanted to go all out which I soon came round to so not going to blame him for that, there are no debts/loans to pay for this wedding but I would be a little less stressed if he had helped a bit more..

[jennyjoan]

If he is a skinflint before the wedding - think of after. A leopard never changes its spots.

[kat2206]

I just wish he would sit and talk, rationally, rather than thinking that its always a personal dig at him as it isn't but he just gets stressed when we start to talk about "serious" things so we end up not talking, he'll be downstairs watching football and I'll be in my office, stewing.. haha

[Peaspeculiars]

Kat, just a thought - could he have some unpaid debts from before you met that he is still paying off and doesn't want to worry you with? Perhaps that's why he clams up about his finances - I might be way off the mark here, but worth asking him perhaps before you lose your temper.
If not, consider what he might be spending it on during each month (car, phone, council tax, travel expenses, clothes, pets, personal bits & bobs) discuss it with him and try and think of a way that he can start saving a little each month to help out with the wedding.

[Bazile]

If you cant talk to him about serious things , then it doesn't bode well for the future - does it

[murraymints]

you need tO have a talk about how you are going to manage your finances after the wedding..a joint account with an agreed figure paid in each month for bills...you can still keep your own but you really need to thrash this out or you wil be paying for a divorce !!

[Bazile]

I knew someone who had a loan ( something like 5k - if my memory serves me correctly )the existence of which she kept from her husband

[tonyav]

Your gonna have to talk to him about it, kat. Or as Bazile says it dosn't bode well for the future.

[kat2206]

Hi Peaspeculiars, never thought of that and as I've never had debt then I really wouldn't know how to approach this subject with him or indeed leave it alone for him to deal with.. I have taken into consideration with his bills, the £200 which includes car, phone etc but £700 just seems an awful lot of money for it to just go.... I know its too easy to just take out a tenner here or there and it soon mounts up but damn... £700?

[Prudie]

The way it's reading he wanted the big bash and you're paying for it. At the crux of the matter is that he is apparently keeping his finances secret. Lots of couples do still do this but if it means you're at a loss and he isn't you will eventually be resentful - not the best way to start a marriage.
As for not wanting to talk things out that is an accepted trait of many men, I've got one like that.

[kat2206]

Yes, I know I am going to have to talk to him about it, I'm just not looking forward to it..

[AlwaysConfused]

I was going to answer similar to peas. My OH is still paying debts 10 years on from his previous relationship. I felt a little bitter that he wasnt open with me about his debts before we got married. He wasnt great with money, but now we discuss our budget we do fine. One mor payment and all his debts are clear, thank goodness. He needs to be honest and open with you

[kat2206]

Right, I'm going down to talk... wish me luck :) I'll be back in 5 haha

[murraymints]

good luck x

[tonyav]

Best of luck, kat. Your doing the right thing.

[jennyjoan]

look for a millionaire LOL

[maggiebee]

So you've only got about £3,000 left to pay on the wedding. The stress would appear to be on the YOU'VE as you OH seems to be making little or no contribution. Sorry but I can see trouble ahead and I'm speaking from experience having been married to a spendthrift for 30 years. His needs will always come first so I hope you have a good job and don't have children who will depend on him. Sorry to be so blunt.