Is it really a problem to have children in your 30's?

[Lorrymac]

Hi, i'm new so bear with me...

I am 27 and getting married in october. my partner is 23. I only graduated from uni 3 years ago and i'm happy pursuing my career at the moment. My partner for his young years does not stop going on about having children - which i think is lovely - he's really into his family values and would always be at home rather than go out with his mates - even now. However, I am not wanting to have children till i've progressed my career and aside from that, my partner is many years behind me in the career stakes and doesn't have the qualifications that i do and so will struggle to match my salary for a while. I would rather wait till we have spent some years together and got ourselves straight financially - i have student loans and we have debts between us - before we bring children into the world. i also don't feel anywhere near ready anyway. This said, my partner keeps sending me emails about how risky it is to have children in your 30's and has this idea that we're having children by the time i'm 30. that is only 3 years away, which means starting to try in just over 2 which really frightens me - i'm just not ready. Is it really that important these days to have them young?

I could do with some advice from anyone who can help!

many thanks

[redcrx]

My son will be 1 next week and I will be 34 in September.
I had no problems with my pregnancy and my son is a healthy and very happy little boy.
The only thing that was perhaps harder being an older mum was the tiredness of it all. The first 3 months are tiring but that last month is exhausting, especially in the heat of summer. I can only assume that a woman younger than me may find it easier.
There are illnesses and disabilities that have a higher risk when mother is older but hospitals and midwives keep a good eye on mums.

[Pippa68]

There is no reason at all why you shouldn't wait until you are ready to have a child ~ in fact, I applaud you!

Medically there are no specific grounds for having to have babies before you are 30...fertility *may* decline, you *may* have an increased risk of miscarriage or Downs Syndrome baby after the age of 35, but this is something you can research yourself ~ your partner certainly shouldn't be filling your head with scare stories! rest assured that if and when the time comes, the midwife will talk to you about whatever concerns you.

I know of lots of women who have had their first babies over 35, and a couple of them were in their 40's.

As long as you are reasonably healthy and (this is the most important) feel stable & ready to start a family, I don't see why you would have a problem. You really need to sit him down & discuss it ~ get some info yourself via the internet which is in your favour!

Good luck :o)

[kick3m0n]

I was 35 in march, my son will be 3 in Sept. I had a fantastic pregnancy, labour was a doddle (week early, mum and baby both great) and I'm a much more patient person than I was when I was in my 20s...and so my son reaps the benefits here. I've also not ruled out having another one. Your fertility at age 35 is no different from it is at age 25, tho there is the increased risk of downs etc. It is not at all risky to have children in your 30s, tho it IS more risky to have children in your 40s. Just google for the relevant info and send it right back to him, cos he's making you worry unneccessarily babes. The word "frightens" is not good when associated with having kids...so you need to maybe sit him down and calmly explain that you really do want to wait a few years.

[B00]

I had my 2nd child when I was 34. Perfectly normal pregnancy and birth and a truly adorable baby at end of it.

Don't worry about a thing, you'll be fine.

[andy-hughes]

Sound advice but ....

I would be more concerned with the apparent disparity between your desire for timing of a family, and your partner's. This is something you MUST sort out before you think about getting married, because otherwise it is going to drive a wedge between you.

I think the fact that your partner is pressurising you - however good his intentions may be - is not a good indication of his willingness to understand your point of view, both practical and emotional.

Yes, having children is fantastic - we have three, but any child must be conceived when YOU are ready, not your partner, you must carry and deliver the child, and undertake the majority of rearing tasks. It seems from your post that you are not ready, and that this is an issue between you.

It may sound harsh, but if you cannot convince your parter of how you feel and why, citing your emotional unreadiness first, and adding the financial aspects afterwards, and he still insists on pressurising you, then i would consider very carefully if he is the right man for you to marry.

Marriage, and children, are about hsaring, and it is clear that you both have seriously different views about the timing of your family.

Talk it over, be straight, be honest, and stick to what you want. If your partner will not see that you have to br eeady for children, then you should have a very serious look at your prospecst for a future, and your wedding plans should be put on ice until you are both clear on the way forward.

[Schlomo78]

Hi, I am the same age as you and am pregnant with my first child. I am at a stage in my life where I felt I was ready for it and had no career aspirations as you do, I think you should go with your instincts first and do what you want, there is plenty of time to get broody, I never felt the smallest inkling of broodiness til just over a year ago when my god-daughter was born. I might add my mum didn't have me til she was 40 and that was pretty scary nearly 30 yrs ago when they didn't have all the tests and scans that they do these days and I was a perfectly healthy child.
Good luck with whatever you decide! :O)

[noxlumos]

andy-hughes, right as ever as usual. Get sorted the discrepensies in your desires before you get maried. there is no right or wrong time for kids but you must both feel ready or resentment will flow in abundance. My wife had our last child in April of this year aged 37 with no problems at all so yes you can wait but he may not wish to wait so you need to get it sorted and be honest with each other before you get married.

[Iz66]

i had my first son aged 31 and then my second son at 38 :o) no problems what so ever. No regrets having them later because i wasnt ready in my 20's by a long shot.
Iz

[Le Chat]

I had my first son at 32 and my second at 39!! We're all fit and healthy and to be honest my age was never mentioned once before, during or after the event! Your partner is just trying to get his own way by scaring you..... Refer to answer by Andy Hughes.....

[chitchat]

I had my daughter when I was 33 and my son 18 months later at 35. I thoroughly enjoyed being pregnant and sailed through both pregnancies and labour, although the first labour was 22 hours long - one look at my daughter and i would have done it all over again.. Both my children are fit and healthy and now becoming teenagers. Being a mum is the best job in the world but you are right to want your career first. Fulfill yourself as a person before becoming a mum. Good luck.

[Pippa68]

Andy ~ you pretty much posted what I wanted to..but if I had it wouldn't have looked so good ;o)

I am sure if I had it would have looked like I was preaching ~ but you always manage to say things so eloquently.

[Goodsoulette]

My mum had me and my brother and in her late teens. Then as I fell pregnant at 22 ahe did to at 38 just 2 months ahead of me and I can safely say that she didnt suffer anymore or anyless then I did.

The only thing about being an older mum is that the quality of your eggs decline as you get older, so over 30 and then again over 35 your chances of having a baby with down syndrome increases.

I am in the minority amongst my friends, most dont have children yet. You should do what makes you happy. However babies arent as expensive as people make out, so if finances seem impossible there is a way round these things.

[k4strel]

This is a bit of a stab in the dark but the main risk I believe is downs syndrome and as each year passes by the risk grows. If you are open to having a 12 week scan and regular scans up to 24 weeks then it should be caught but still highly unlikely. What is your hereditory background like and that of your partner? Really in my unprofessional opinion you are probably ok up to 40 but there are doctors who can give spot on advice!

[tradey]

no it isnt to old,i was 37 when i had my little girl,but weve also got 2 others ,20 and 17 these days its different people are waiting till theyve had there life first,you will now when the time is right,oh good luck for your wedding

[Deano1983]

Hi, I am the guy that you are all talking about.

I am not/was not trying to pressure Lorrymac into anything and if it came acrossl that way I can only appologise. I agree that we need to sit down and talk about it and we will do that. As for the porblems of over 30 I have read this and obviously it has worried me and in turn that has unknowingly made me put pressure on my Finacee.
I am a nice guy,I love kids and as Lorrymac has said I am very much a family man.

Thank you for your advice and keep it coming.

Dean

[nicksmum]

I had my first child when I was 32 and my second at 34,no major problems with either pregnancy.There was just no way I would have wanted children in my twenties! A friend of mine is expecting her first baby at 44,she conceived naturally after IVF had failed(which I believe is being talked about elsewhere on the Parenting thread!)

[Hellion]

Listen to Andy Hughes he has, as usual, given very sensible advice!

The main 'risks' of having a child in your 30's is a) your fertility levels decrease as you get older and you might have problems getting pregnant b) there is an increased risk of Downs Syndrome, but this can be monitored and checked for if you wish.

I would qualify this by saying that I had my perfectly healthy son after a bit of a struggle conceiving at the age of 39. The only thing I'm sad about.... that I didn't start a bit sooner so that I could have had more than one child because the one I have is so yummy!!

[horsestache1]

I had one daughter at the age of 24 and my second at the age of 35. There was no differance in either pregnancy.

However I am far more patient with my younger daughter than I was with the eldest, but could never run as fast in the Mummy's race:)

One thing puzzle's me Why do you feel you have to give up work? I worked with both of mine, my youngest is now 14. Employers now understand that people have to work and have families.

[Ms.Hijinx]

i had my kids in my early 20s, my sister in her 30s, i enjoy my kids and have grown up with them my sister is resentful of the mess hers make of her lifestyle cos she had got so used to being just her and hubby and although her kids were desperately wanted she cannot enjoy or cope with them which is a shame whereas mine are almost grown and i have back all the tfreedom and things my sister will not have back til shes in her 50s have children when you're ready and best of luck