stuck in a rut !

[mrstrunchbul]

hi i would love a bit of advice. i have been with my husband for 18 years married for 13 we got together when he was 16 and i was 19, we also have 2 kids ages 11 and 9, well 2 weeks ago he told me he no longer loved me and moved out to his dads well he was away for a week and came last sunday and said he wanted to try to get it back so i have let him. well there has been hardly any talking but once we get to bed the sex and intimacy has been fantastic although he aint said he loves me yet especially how before all this i had lost interest in sex. anyway last night things left unsaid and questions not answered came out very nastily and he told me a few home truths and basically he said i have held him back and he has not had the fun he should of had when he was 16. the thing also he has a very highly paid job nice car we have no mortgage either and lots of money that we got when we sold some land to a developer, but he is fed up with his life which i know most would kill for his dad thinks its some mid life crisis he is going through could anybody offer me any advice i can use to help my normally wonderful husband because its killing me seeing him suffer i just want him happy even if it means losing him. please help

[loza]

I am soooo sorry! x I know this must hurt as you obviously still love him very much. I would suggest for you both to live a little, you have the money to and your children aren't exactly babies, so maybe you could leave them with a relative while you and your partner shoot off somewhere fun and exciting, try and do things you used to do before you had the children and hopefully bring the old spark back. People together for so long can't see why they are with that person until reminded why they fell for them. Remember to make time for each other, sit down and talk and understand each other, if you can't do this I would suggest couple counselling, it can really help to talk about your problems to a complete stranger because they can't comment on your relationship. This must be awful and I really do feel for you and your children, but maybe do a few things together and get used to each others company again. Good Luck xxx

[tiny e.a]

I can understand why it distresses you to see your husband unhappy but please remember your own happiness too. He's been very unfair to you by placing the blame for his own feelings of frustration and depression on to you. I'm sure you did not make every choice, two people who have been together so long have managed to do so by both sharing choices and both making compromises. Any position he finds himself in now is his own doind and not yours, please remember that.

It does sound a bit like he's having a premature mid life crisis. I agree with the above advice, you have been together a long time but are both still young, take some time out to get to know eachother again. Let him talk about his hopes and waht he feels disappointed about, but also talk about your own hopes and disappointments. Perhaps it would be easier to do this witha counsellor if you were both willing.

Good luck.

[mrstrunchbul]

many thanks for the advise you two it was better than i thought it would be i was dreading someone telling me to let him go. he told me this morning that we have to play it by ear to see what happens i did suggest we went to a councillor but he said no. i think im just going to have to patient and wait to see if he can love me again although im not sure if its possible. i hope to god it is x

[missrandom]

try and get him to go to Relate.

[stokeace]

he must have a screw loose because he is in danger of losing someone who obviously loves him a great deal.he ought to grow up and take stock of what hes got....a lot of blokes would die for what hes got.midlife crisis?i guess so but when he finally gets over it you just might have moved on............and then hes the loser..good luck..

[mrstrunchbul]

thanks stokeace i wish i had the optimism he will grow out of it though but i think his mind is made up im afraid. and yes your right i do love him a great deal and its vey hard.

[stokeace]

sorry to hear that but my guess is that he will come back with his tail between his legs when he realises what hes lost....i did and i was lucky my mrs had me back.i really hope things work out for you..

[mrstrunchbul]

i hope your right. give mrs stokeace a big hug and tell her u love her always.

[stokeace]

lol i always do now i dont know where i would be now if she hadnt taken me back.....there was no one else involved it was just me being a selfish prat i soon realised what a mistake i was making.i really hope your hubby comes to his senses and quick...

[mrstrunchbul]

its real good u can admit u was a prat and came to your senses. im new to all this so maybe im being impatient and need to ride it out till he comes to his (if and when he does) but i think he knows i will wait but at least i aint beating mysef up anymore and have realised these last few days that i am a DAMN good wife and havnt done anything wrong so maybe there is a light a the end of this ****** neverending tunnel

[legend759]

reminds me of my ex-wife.
similar thing.but when she suddenly left she took the kids too.
she didnt return.
she wanted to be free,had enough of men,wasted her youth,wanted to be a hairdresser,wanted to go to college,wished shed went to university.
we met when she was16.
she left after 10 years married.
within 2 weeks was goin out with her supervisor at work.
we were divorced in 9 months she was married to him 8 months later.
theyre still together.
my daughters turned against me for "deserting her" funny how you can influence kids eh?
we dont talk she hates me!!
she did get to uni tho , shes a security gaurd there now.

i felt like you at first but quickly wakened up.
we didnt go to counselling she didnt want to.
you seem better off financially etc and i hope you can work things out.
it just struck a chord with me.
hope yours turns out different.

btw i think mid life crisis is a convenient excuse nowadays , for i want a change.
hope things go ok tho

[mrstrunchbul]

hi legend i would never ever turn my kids against their dad he is the best dad in the world and the kids idolise him and the difference is he don't hate me he might not love me but i can tell he definitely don't hate me and i wouldn't scoff at a mid life crisis as being a convenient excuse cos i really think it exists when men reach a plateaux in their lives when they think IS THIS IT!. anyway i need to hear good tales at the moment not depressing ones. thanks anyway (NOT)

[WendyS]

You obviously both married very young and as a consequence, probably both missed out on some of the activities which you would have enjoyed had you not had your children so early. Why not sit down with him and acknowledge this, find out what he would like to have done that he didn't (and you too) and see whether it's possible, as money doesn't seem an issue for you both, to see whether you can both start have a little time for yourselves to catch up with some of these things. What exactly have you stopped him being able to do? Go to football matches with his mates? Have a week-end away with them? Take up golf? Or change his career and do something different? And what about you? Do you want to have some kind of career as well as being a mother?
I sense that neither of you have previously had this kind of serious discussion about what you both want to do with your lives, probably because you have been so involved in bringing up your children. Now they are getting a little older perhaps it's time to review the next stage of your lives and start planning some new family activities together. And also planning some new activities individually so that you both have a little bit of space for yourselves within your marriage.