poor friend

[Connemmara]

One of my very good friends is coming through a very hard time of poverty. She is having to sell her house to give half to ex-husband but this has been going on for 2 years and the property wont sell. Meantime I listen every single time to her tales of woe of having no money etc etc.

I do try to help out with buying ciggies (if she had not got them she would pull her hair out) anyway my problem is whilst I am comfortable off I feel guilty about her and sometimes I cant shake the guilt away feeling she does not have a way out. There is more to this story re her daughter too - lives with her - who is working all the hours God sends her but having to pay for a loan when she went to college and now a car because her job is so far away - she is getting it hard too. Sometimes I cannot believe it. My heart goes out to her and daughter. She will have money when the house is sold but when will that be.

[ummmm]

What's your idea of poverty?

[Connemmara]

no money in your purse for 3-4 days - literally no money mmmmmm

[ummmm]

But have they got food in the cupboards?

[ummmm]

And ciggies are £5 a pack. I could feed my family on that.

[Connemmara]

knew you would come up with the cigarettes issue. God she has to have something for her nerves ummmmm

[mrmoonshine]

One of my very good friends is coming through a very hard time of poverty...
But she's got a house? So she isn't poor she just has'nt got liquid cash at the moment which is a completely different thing altogether.

[mrmoonshine]

If she needs something for her nerves why doesn't she go to the doctors?

[karenmac60]

Having been pretty much in your friends position, all I can say is be there for her. You have no reason to feel guilty and your friend would not want you feeling that way, you are not responsible for her situation, and the most important thing you can give her is emotional support and company. She'll get through this, and having a friend by her side will make it so much easier for her. I had friends who couldn't be bothered giving me their time, but thought paying for things for me occassionally would ease their consciences - all it did was make me feel like a pain and a charity case. The friends who couldn't afford to help me out, but were willing to spend time with me and listen to my woes are the ones who really helped, and who are still my friends today. Your friend still has her pride, and once she gets through this she will also have the satisfaction of being able to look back and say 'I managed'. Just be her friend.

[ummmm]

Cigarettes are no good for your nerves.

I wouldn't call having a roof over your head, food and fags as poverty. Hard times maybe...but not poverty.

[Mamyalynne]

Connemmara don`t feel guilty, you are being a good friend and this time will pass for your friend and all will resolve.

[mrmoonshine]

A real friend would never give another friend a drug that may give her a stroke, heart attack or cancer.

[craft1948]

b ollocks moonshine......I helped a friend out financially a few years ago and that included buying her cigarettes.........she is now back on her feet, is holding down a decent job, and now she is in a less stressful situation she has managed to stop smoking. I leant her quite large amounts of money which she has now paid back...I was glad to help as to be quite honest the amount of money meant nothing to me but everything to her.......don't knock people when they're down......

[joggerjayne]

Connemmara ...

I know what you mean.

People can be "struggling" without actually living in a shop doorway.

As for the cigarettes ...

I'm not a smoker, but I have a pal who smokes, and who's going through a bit of a rough patch. We're going to the pub a lot at the mo, and I stand outside with her, freezing my t!ts off, because smoking helps her feel better ... so I have every sympathy for smokers.

The difficulty with "helping people out" is not embarrassing people. I'm lucky enough to earn more than I really need (or deserve), and I have no family to drain my money, but it's still difficult to pay for other people's stuff (you don't like to suggest that "I can afford it, and you can't" do you!)

Ways around it ...

You can say that you found this really great [whatever] and got a good deal on it, so I got some for you too.

You're a really good pal. Can I take you out for a meal - it's on me.

Etc.

Her problem is ... although she will have money when she sells the house ... she won't have a house!

[Connemmara]

thanks to everyone that gave me positive answers. I will be there - have always been there as she has been there for me through my hard times. She is an extremely proud person and to be in this position is harrowing but she will get there. Thanks again.

[mrmoonshine]

Craft i dont see what your mother teresa act or your lifestory has got to do with my comment to connemmara, If you're looking for a pat on the back, a medal or congratulations then you're looking in the wrong place.

[joggerjayne]

moonshine ... down boy !!

I don't think craft was looking for anything.

She was contributing to the thread.

And ... unlike you ... she was trying not to be judgmental.

Don't be so snappy.

[craft1948]

moonshine I'm looking for nothing .....my friend and I know the facts and I was giving encouragement to Connemmara who seems to be a good friend.....you seem to be quite a nasty person and very judgemental

[Mamyalynne]

mrmoonshine get off your soapbox and try to understand that we are all not perfect.

[jackthehat]

^ It's saturday, craft...............
Mrmoonshine hasn't and possibly won't contribute much that could be classed as positive yet......................I await to be contradicted ;o)

[mrmoonshine]

JJ, im pretty sure craft can talk for herself.
Craft so you're giving a biased opinion because she's your friend aint you!
Mammlynne unfortunately im not on a soapbox but was sadly born this short.