Needy friend story continues.....(Like a bloomin' soap opera this!)

[merciasounds]

After I closed down on here last night, I went and had a shower and went to bed, I'd just got my book out and put my ipod on, when the phone rings again. My bedroom phone doesn't have caller ID like the one in the hall, and it might have been my hubby, so I answered. It was Maggie - the conversation went like this:
"Oh thank god, at LAST - I was beginning to think you'd left the planet -
(Me) "Maggie, I-"
"I'm in the city centre, I'll be with you in twenty minutes, you'll-
(me again) Maggie, look love, I'm sorry, but-"
"..never guess what that rotten ba**ard has done, only gone and run off with £30,000 of my money and-
(me again) "MAGGIE WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP FOR A SECOND"
"I'll leave right now - what, what's the matter"
(Me) No Maggie, not tonight, I'm sorry, not this time. I can't cope with stress at the moment, I've only just got out of hospital."
Silence from her end for a few seconds then she said,
"But how am I going to get my money back?"


That hurt me. Not oh god how are you, or why were you in hospital, or what's wrong - but how am I going to get my money back.
So I said rather pointedly, well what did you do after 'John' did that to you, or 'David' or 'Marcus'
I could have mentioned a couple more if i'd have remembered their names - all she retorted was
"David left me with debts, he didn't take my money"
(Me)"Which you ended up paying which is the same difference in my book, but whatever Maggie, I just can't deal with this at the moment"
"But I only want to talk"
(me) "But you don't Maggie, you want to cry and scream and rant and tell me how every man you meet is a 'bas**rd and how you won't be caught out again, and you haven't even asked me what I was in hospital for"

She said she presumed it was something to do with my accident. Thinking about it, after my accident, I was in hospital for two years, apart from 9 weeks. Not all together 9 weeks, spread about I was allowed home between some operations (19 altogether) she came to see me 3 times in all that time. She lived less than an hour away from the one hospital, and 90 minutes from the other.

Anyway the upshot was, she said
"So you don't want me there', and I said, 'not this time Maggie', and she just put the phone down on me. I feel relief - just like a weight has been lifted from me. She phoned back an hour later, drunk and crying but I put the phone down on her and switched it to the ansaphone.

[anneasquith]

mercia. go away as planned and try not to let this issue upset you any more,

[merciasounds]

Despite what I've said, part of me does feel rotten for not 'being there' for her - but I really cannot deal with her 'drama queen' antics right now. I phoned her brother this afternoon, I didn't tell him about the latest bloke running off with her money, that's for her to tell him not me, but I explained my predicament to him and he said to me that 'Maggie' had to learn to stand on her own two feet and i'd been more than a good friend to her in the past and I was to get well and think of myself for a change. which I thought was very nice of him.

[joko]

if someone stole my 30,000 i think id be very preoccupied with that and in some shock...id also probably forget my manners and my social pleasantries too...

especially if my friend, my rock, someone i needed, was being weird and refusing to speak to me...cant say id be thinking about saying the right thing either...

not saying you should go running to her - but at least once try to put yourself in her shoes right now and think how you would react instead of getting upset because she didnt say 'get well soon'...

[karenmac60]

But Joko, as mercia has said - this is not the first time 'Maggie' has been in a similar situation and expected mercia to pick up the pieces for her.

[merciasounds]

I'm sorry to sound callous, but she'll need me again before I need her, and £30,000 loss to her would just be a bad month

[DaisyNonna]

Time to look after yourself Mercia. The more pieces you pick up the more will be dropped and you will be expected to do the picking up again. I hope you recover swiftly and fully.

[merciasounds]

I do feel sometimes like i've been trailing around after her with a basket, picking up pieces...I just wished she'd learn from her mistakes before she rushes head-long into the next catastrophe.

[DTCwordfan]

Good on you mercia - right action taken. Her bro will also intervene as well from what you have said

Head off for a nice break and R&R........anywhere nice?

[joko]

she not expecting you to pick up the pieces...just to be a friend and sit with her while she has a moan an get it out of her system - thats what friends do...

fair enough you are unwell at the moment and you have done right by telling her she must leave you alone at the moment...but you appear to be almost revelling in this drama...playing it out word for word on here...

i am not saying she great or deserves anything from you, and probably has taken dvantage of your friendship - but you dont exactly sound like the best friend either...if i found one of my so called friends had spilled all my personal life on a forum, whilst, ridiculing, sneering and b1tching about me ...whilst rubbing my back and dishing out the faux sympathy - i wouldnt be calling them again...

maybe you should show her this page....that'll see her off

[Carakeel]

Well done, merciasounds! Some times we do have to put a stop to people abusing our generous and caring nature. In fact sometimes stopping them from continually demanding attention is actually the best way to help them, not to mention our selves. I amnot good at naying no when someone asks for help and have often been taken advantage of, but I am learning, lol! I really hope your are recovering well after your accident. You certainly don't need anyone like her in your life with all you have been through. I agree with your hubby here! You need to be thinking of yourself, not always others and true friends will understand when you say you cannot help. Take care of yourself. After all, you are important to your family and should be to yourself and much loved, I'm sure.

[karenmac60]

Joko, don't be so judgemental. AB is an anonymous forum that allows us to vent as well as seek advice. Mercia has sought advice on this subject and she is allowing herself a little vent to get it off her chest. It doesn't make her a terrible person or a bad friend. Sometimes we just need to get it out.

[bunkmoreland]

you have my good wishes too mercia. have been on the receiving end of a good friend who ended up trying to run my life her way.She wasnt bad,just wanted me to do what she suggested all the time. The final straw was when she wanted me to change MY wedding plans to suit her family. It all went down hill after that. To those who say you are not being a good friend? A friend who tries to control you is not a friend in the first place.

[joko]

im not saying she is bad at all karen...im just suggesting that actually it is she who is being somewhat judgemental and seems her nose is out of joint because someone hasnt done as she told them to, and maybe she should look at herself a bit too...

it appears all this woman has actually done is phone her up and visit her (albeit at inconvenient times) and be somewhat annoying and dramatic...no crime in that...
but because she hasnt done what shes been advised to or behaved how ms expects her to do, and has decided to make her own choices, (which is her right), and been prooccupied which what, to her, is a terrible situation, she is being penalised and accused...and even ostracised, at a time when she actually needs a friend...

worst thing you can do is expect people to behave the way you want them to - especially when it comes to life choices...because you cannot control that and you will be disappointed.
advise should be offered as just that...it should never be given with the assumption that it will taken...it is not an order.

i am not saying this friend is great at all, she does sound like hardwork, and preoccupied, and if she really makes you misearble then yes you should ease her out of your life...but really you sound pretty intolerant, judgmental, demanding and just looking for every minor 'infraction' of the 'rules' in her behaviour and also somewhat revelling in this drama...i may be wrong but thats what it seems like from these posts...
i am sure you have looked after her, soothed her, fed her wine and sympathy etc...but you admit its under duress and not genuine...

i have a friend who becomes enraged when her advice is not followed to the letter...she seems unable to accept that advice shoudl be presented as a possible solution, as an option, as another point of view...not a command... she gets angry that she 'wasted her time' and genuinely expects her words to be able to control other peoples lives...

[joko]

sorry if this sounds like i am attacking you or being nasty, i dont mean it to... im just trying to see both sides here...

[merciasounds]

joko - At what point do you walk away? - Say enough is enough - people get tired of being used and abused. i don't really give her advice, she wouldn't listen to it if i did - but I'm sick and tired of 'going through the motions' of her drama, crying it out, the no man will ever do this to me again, i'm going to tell him what i think of him etc, until the following day when she phones me up and says - he sent me a bunch of flowers, I'm giving him one more chance - once or twice you'd let it go, but 7-8 times, it wears thin. Besides which, she's wasn't there for me when I really wanted somebody outside the family and doctors to talk to when I thought I'd never walk again. I did pick her up about it at the time, but she just shrugged and said to me, 'you know I'm no good with illness'. Thinking about it, I've refused to see her for not only my own sake this time, but for hers as well - I really want to physically shake some sense into her. for a woman whose got a degree, boy is she stupid sometimes.I WANT to give her advice, I WANT her to take it - I want to tell her to keep her business life and her privae life separate, but if she's going into partnership with somebody, to get things drawn up legally first - not pillow-talk hair brained schemes where she goes to the bank next day, draws out x anount of thousands of pounds, gives it to the bloke and then wonders where he is a week later.

[joko]

you walk away now... you clearly need to...after that decimation of her theres no point in trying to continue a friendship...
and you are right it might be the shake-up she needs...or push her right back to him because she has no-one else...either way its not your problem any more...

however her 'crime' is nothing more than being a dramatic, over sensitive fool who lets her heart rule her head and doesnt learn from her mistakes, who has been sucked in and sucked under by other people... i dont know a single other person who doesnt tick at least a couple of those boxes...whether they realise it or not...

[merciasounds]

You can't help somebody so set in their ways, they don't want help. I think I've said all I'm going to say. Thanks to all who read/replied, I do appreciate it.

[tigwig]

I agree with what you have done too mercia. Maggie sounds like a very very selfish person who is clearly not a friend to you so there's no point in your friendship anymore. When you feel able to I would be honest with her and tell her exactly how she has made you feel and that you dont wish to be friends anymore unless she changes.