Am I Right To Be Feeling This Way?

[renegadefm]

Ok this is delicate because I've never experienced it and need sensible answers. 

 

My eldest daughter who is now 20 has been studying in UNI at London, and was soon to finish her courses, and the plan was or so I thought to come back to us in Cornwall soon. 

But on her current Christmas visit, which I cherish as the past 3 years I've hardly seen her, she announced shes got a boyfriend who lives in London, actually Wimbledon. 

Obviously I embraced her and said congratulations and that I am very happy for you both. 

But as a Dad part of me thinks am I slowly losing my daughter rather than gaining her back to me. 

Of course I am happy for her, and would never dream of standing in her way, but I feel I've patiently been waiting all this time to look forward to having her back in Cornwall, I'm now not so sure as she might use London as her permanent residence. 

Am I being selfish? I can't help how I feel, obviously I want my siblings to be fairly near me, not so far that seeing her is only Christmas or birthdays.

I'm aware theres nothing I can do but is this normal to be so worried that I really am losing close contact with my daughter. I'm not getting any younger myself at 55. I was looking forward to her coming home 😭

[barry1010]

Is her mother coping better?

[pastafreak]

I'm certainly not born and bred Plymothian...but it's been home for 24 years.

[DDIL]

You are not coming across as a dad, more a jealous ex.

[renegadefm]

I think its normal to want your Children to be close.  Why else do we have them?  My parents would be the same, if we didn't visit at least once or twice a week they would say we're have we been. But actually I didn't mind that anyway. 

[barry1010]

You still haven't said if her mother feels the same way, how she is coping. 

[Tilly2]

The aim of bringing up children is to let them fly away and fly back when they want to.

[pastafreak]

We don't have children to keep them close...we have them so they grow up to get independent and productive adults. Throw in compassionate and loving and we've done our job. If you have a strong bond with your daughter she will always be in your life.

Thank you for BA.

[pastafreak]

Not 'get'...'be'

[Canary42]

///You still haven't said if her mother feels the same way,///

I doubt if he's bothered to find out, he's too egocentric.

[renegadefm]

Canary42, 

I popped out hence no reply. 

Daughter's Mum was the one pushing her from a very young age to set her sights high, and go to UNI etc.

Dont get me wrong, I am sincerely proud of her. But I can't lie about missing her, why would I lie to myself?

I'm just very different to her Mum, I tend to be more of a home bird so to speak. 

My idea is I think simular to my parents, where they wouldn't have expected us to move away, and be there for them as they get older. Its just how I thought life is about. 

I can't get my head around why does people have children for them to move hundreds of miles away in the end. It just breaks my heart. 

But like I said I would never show this to my daughter, it would not do any good at all. 

[scorpiojo]

Then let her make her own choices, and do things because she wants to, not because it is expected of her.

[barry1010]

I didn't have children to keep them shackled to me, expected to visit every Saturday and look after me in my old age.

They are not mini-mes, they are individuals with their own hopes dreams and lives to live.

[DDIL]

You should not have children to look after you in your old age, that is a very selfish attitude!

Your daughter should be free to make decisions about her life without fearing how you will feel about her not being at your beck and call.

My friends mother had a similar attitude to you, she ended up driving her daughter away for several years.

[albaqwerty]

My children do not know how I felt when they moved out and hopefully never will. 

To say I missed them is an understatement. Having the occasional sniff stopped after I kicked myself after 12 hours. The agony of having your heart scooped out with a blunt spoon hurts like beggary.

You survive. Your proud of your child(ren), they have been taught by the best, you hope they use that info to the best and wish them every success.

It hurts like hell and that, me dear, is the price of unconditional love.

[Hazlinny]

Though I do not have children, I would never be "clingy" - think yourself lucky, she might have met someone who wanted her to go to go to live in Australia, Canada, etc. and then seeing her would be much more difficult.

[albaqwerty]

Forgive my howler! Am so ashamed, won't point it out lol

My mate's only daughter moved to Australia about 15 years ago. Her eldest child was 4 before she met her gran in the flesh.  On the plus side, yours is still in England :)

[pastafreak]

I first moved out when I was about 22. My best mate and I got a studio apartment together in NYC...30 miles from home. I can still see my mum bawling her eyes out as we moved our bits in. I don't remember how often I saw her after that...enough I suppose as the train ride was not that long.

She nearly collapsed on the eve of our move to the UK. After my daughter came back from Australia I was terrified they wanted to live there.

 

[douglas9401]

Hysterical inadequacies. 

[renegadefm]

I was working on the theory my parents did all they could to bring us up as children, surely the tables reverse when they get older and need a bit of TLC themselves. Thats how I feel about it. 

So are we just all meant to move away and desert them for good, I don't think I could do that, and I never have, I live a mile away.

I dont know anymore what is right or wrong. All I know is I miss my daughter so much when shes away. I cant see that as being selfish, its just raw emotions. 

When she first went away to UNI I cried like a baby into my pillow most nights for months. Sounds dramatic, but true. 

But like everyone says I just go to get on with it. Its not how I viewed things, but I guess everyone is different. 

[Peter Pedant]

My parents kicked us all out at one time or  another

I was No 4 so we both had practice and I said " OK OK I;m going, byee" before I got the boot

I knew  from their antecedence that their parents didnt do that to them. 1960s and they were all tired of the Mick Jagger look-alikes