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Wedding Trouble
15 Answers
I am having real trouble with my mother in law to be. My wedding is in a few weeks time and she has done nothing but spoil it all saying she has not been involved and feels like a guest. My mum and I have been very organised with everything since it was booked over a year ago and when anything is arranged eg flowers or colours I inform her of my decisions etc so she is aware. My sister in law to be is the same, for instance (very petty but this has tipped me over the edge) for my hen do she has invited 3 friends along that I dont even know and I said that was fine but I didnt really want them to dress up like the rest of us as I dont know them and every one else going is friends/family of mine and are all coming to the actual wedding. There has been arguments for so long about it and guess what, she cries too.
I feel that whatever I do she doesnt agree with and my partner is stuck in the middle. They cry if they feel that they aren't involved, which is awful for him as he feels in the middle. I am now at the point where I dont want to have my party and the thought of them stressing around at my wedding will just ruin my big day, it makes me so upset that all the planning has worked out as it should and we should be enjoying the run up to the day but we can't. I am stressed out bringing everything together now and could really do without it, please help me!!
I feel that whatever I do she doesnt agree with and my partner is stuck in the middle. They cry if they feel that they aren't involved, which is awful for him as he feels in the middle. I am now at the point where I dont want to have my party and the thought of them stressing around at my wedding will just ruin my big day, it makes me so upset that all the planning has worked out as it should and we should be enjoying the run up to the day but we can't. I am stressed out bringing everything together now and could really do without it, please help me!!
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God, I feel for you. It must be really stressful. I get myself worked into a state just organising my own birthday so I can't even begin to imagine how tense you must be over all this.
With regards to your future sister in law inviting her own friends out, I wouldn't get into a state about it. I can completely understand why it would annoy you, but for your own sanity, I'd say that that particular battle is not one worth fighting. Go on the hen night, relax, and enjoy yourself with your friends and family, let your future sister in law worry about those she has invited.
As for the mother in law, I don't really know what to suggest. Has your fiance spoken to his mother about giving you some space? Perhaps you could invent a specific job and tell her that you'd reall appreciate her help with it (could be something as silly as buying balloons to have up, or which cutlery you should have). Of course, you must have the final say in all decisions but it wouldn't hurt to say, 'which of these do you think would be best?' She may say the same as what you think anyway, and if not, just order what you wanted and tell her you couldn't get hold of the others or something. (a few white lies never hurt anyone!)
Hope you enjoy your day in the end, Good luck!
With regards to your future sister in law inviting her own friends out, I wouldn't get into a state about it. I can completely understand why it would annoy you, but for your own sanity, I'd say that that particular battle is not one worth fighting. Go on the hen night, relax, and enjoy yourself with your friends and family, let your future sister in law worry about those she has invited.
As for the mother in law, I don't really know what to suggest. Has your fiance spoken to his mother about giving you some space? Perhaps you could invent a specific job and tell her that you'd reall appreciate her help with it (could be something as silly as buying balloons to have up, or which cutlery you should have). Of course, you must have the final say in all decisions but it wouldn't hurt to say, 'which of these do you think would be best?' She may say the same as what you think anyway, and if not, just order what you wanted and tell her you couldn't get hold of the others or something. (a few white lies never hurt anyone!)
Hope you enjoy your day in the end, Good luck!
Oh dear this does sound familiar we had a similar experience two years ago my niece got married she lives in dubai she married over here but organised the wedding herself and the grooms parents her mum felt excluded and arguments and tears were frequent it has now reached the point where my niece is about to give birth due date today and mum has disowned her so my wife and i have stepped in to help do not let this happen to you my advice would be a meeting with Mother in law and sister in law and sit down and tell them how you feel and your fears for the day before the meeting write down everything you want to say and you will not forget anything if they then ignore what you have told them your conscience is clear and you have done as much as you can hope this works for you and evrything goes well on the day its my 36th wedding anniversary next week and have enjoyed every minute of it Good luck Joe
Sound advice from tiny e.a.
What you have to accept, and roll with, is that the words 'wedding' and 'stress' go together like 'love' and 'marriage' - you cannot avoid stress - all you can do is try and minimise it, and enjoy your day.
I now you are looking forward to everything, and you and your mum are naturally sortung everything out - but take a step back and have a look at things.
Your mother-in-law is about to 'loose' her son to another woman. Yes I know it's not as dramatic as that, but believe me, subconciously that is what is going on. What's worse, as she sees it, is that she is providing half the partnership for this wedidng, and being shut out of most of the arrangements, and she is hurt.
Of course you have what you want, and as tiny e.a. says, make her 'feel' involved, and just do what you want - makes life a lot easier.
Th standard 'mother-in-law from hell' is always the groom's, but believe me, sons' mothers can be just as awkward and contrary, so for your fiancee's sake, and your future reltationship, try and get her on side, and just bite your lip if she is a bit awkward, she wil come round.
As for your hen night - let it go, enjoy your friends, and be polite to your 'new guests', but concentrate on you close friends. If the others fee left out, that is not your problem, but don't allow a drink or two to loosen your tongue and ruin your evening!
It wil work out - not stres-free - but you will have a lovely day if you stay calm, stay focused, and relax!
Be very happy!
What you have to accept, and roll with, is that the words 'wedding' and 'stress' go together like 'love' and 'marriage' - you cannot avoid stress - all you can do is try and minimise it, and enjoy your day.
I now you are looking forward to everything, and you and your mum are naturally sortung everything out - but take a step back and have a look at things.
Your mother-in-law is about to 'loose' her son to another woman. Yes I know it's not as dramatic as that, but believe me, subconciously that is what is going on. What's worse, as she sees it, is that she is providing half the partnership for this wedidng, and being shut out of most of the arrangements, and she is hurt.
Of course you have what you want, and as tiny e.a. says, make her 'feel' involved, and just do what you want - makes life a lot easier.
Th standard 'mother-in-law from hell' is always the groom's, but believe me, sons' mothers can be just as awkward and contrary, so for your fiancee's sake, and your future reltationship, try and get her on side, and just bite your lip if she is a bit awkward, she wil come round.
As for your hen night - let it go, enjoy your friends, and be polite to your 'new guests', but concentrate on you close friends. If the others fee left out, that is not your problem, but don't allow a drink or two to loosen your tongue and ruin your evening!
It wil work out - not stres-free - but you will have a lovely day if you stay calm, stay focused, and relax!
Be very happy!
I am afraid i agree with your SIL.
they are coming to the party so why try to single them out and make them feel separate and unwelcome?
i understand she wants friends with her - as you say they are all your friends and she will be the only one who comes on the hen night purely because her bro is the groom.
perhaps 3 is a bit too many, but allow her to have someone to talk to all night - unless you are going to keep her company all night....mmm?
as for the outfit thing - thats just petty and pointless - so i have to wonder how much of this pettiness has actually come from you rather than them?
different outfits will only have the affect of creating an atmosphere and possibly ruin it for you
they are coming to the party so why try to single them out and make them feel separate and unwelcome?
i understand she wants friends with her - as you say they are all your friends and she will be the only one who comes on the hen night purely because her bro is the groom.
perhaps 3 is a bit too many, but allow her to have someone to talk to all night - unless you are going to keep her company all night....mmm?
as for the outfit thing - thats just petty and pointless - so i have to wonder how much of this pettiness has actually come from you rather than them?
different outfits will only have the affect of creating an atmosphere and possibly ruin it for you
stresshead- I would imagine the responsibilities and involvement of both sets of parents depends on how much cash they are contributing to the wedding! If your parents are paying, then they have a greater contribution to make with organisation etc. Traditionally, the brides mother is way more involved than the groom's and as your mother-in-law has a daughter, this will be the case when she gets married. Perhaps pointing this out would help......
If your m-i-l has contributed a stack of money towards the wedding, then I feel it would be reasonable for her to want more involvement. Personally, I'd be delighted to go to a lovely wedding and not have to do anything if I were her!!!
As for the hen night - you should have been more assertive from the word go. This is your night out with all your close mates and you don't need a couple of hangers on. That being said...as you have agreed to then coming on the night, then it's a bit grim of you to not include them in the outfits! In for a penny ....
I have been married twice- the first time my parents paid for everything and my mother-in-law didn't expect to be involved, the second time we paid for it all ourselves and no-one else was involved!!
I work in a Beauty Salon (where we have a lot of brides to be, mother's in law etc) and find that the whole 'wedding arena' is a minefield, life consuming and a pain in the ***! Good luck!!
If your m-i-l has contributed a stack of money towards the wedding, then I feel it would be reasonable for her to want more involvement. Personally, I'd be delighted to go to a lovely wedding and not have to do anything if I were her!!!
As for the hen night - you should have been more assertive from the word go. This is your night out with all your close mates and you don't need a couple of hangers on. That being said...as you have agreed to then coming on the night, then it's a bit grim of you to not include them in the outfits! In for a penny ....
I have been married twice- the first time my parents paid for everything and my mother-in-law didn't expect to be involved, the second time we paid for it all ourselves and no-one else was involved!!
I work in a Beauty Salon (where we have a lot of brides to be, mother's in law etc) and find that the whole 'wedding arena' is a minefield, life consuming and a pain in the ***! Good luck!!
i agree with tiny AND with joko! tiny has excellent advice re: handling of the MIL, but joko has a good point re: the SIL - why single out the 3 friends just because they aren't your friends? If they are coming to the hen night, then they should be allowed to join in with all the fun and activities, and that means dressing up too. Who knows, by the end of the night, you may have made 3 new great friends!
I have deliberately not read any of the previous responses to your question? Why on earth do you want to isolate your Sis-in-Law to be friends? Why shouldn't they celebrate with you, their friend and the brother of their friend!! I really think you are being the selfish one here - you tell them what has been decided! you don't want their friends to as involved as your friends - take a good long look at yourself - embrace the extended family of your hubby to be. You say you don't want him caught in the middle so stop making that happen - ask you SiL and Mil to be and go out buy some silly accessories for your hen night!!
Thank you for the comments. I should have mentioned that i have been giving MIL things to do such as the men and womens favours and to have an input on the balloons and evening meal menu etc which she did but still didnt keep her happy. I have tried, but she also wanted to be involved in my dress choice, colour scheme and flowers which was a little overbearing but i made her think that her points were valid and i would think about them. However when she does come along for instance like she did for flowers she looks so miserable to be there, and if she isnt invited to something kicks up a fuss again?!?!
Joko i had never met the 3 people in my life and as i had paid for the outfits (while the attendees contributed to other things) i really did not see the point. Oh and juleejules it was not that "i didn't want her friends to be as involved as mine" as you said, i just did not see the point of her dragging her 3 mates along who firstly had never met me and secondly have never met her brother either! they were not friends from childhood or anything. If SIL decides to ever get wed, she can do what she likes!
Joko i had never met the 3 people in my life and as i had paid for the outfits (while the attendees contributed to other things) i really did not see the point. Oh and juleejules it was not that "i didn't want her friends to be as involved as mine" as you said, i just did not see the point of her dragging her 3 mates along who firstly had never met me and secondly have never met her brother either! they were not friends from childhood or anything. If SIL decides to ever get wed, she can do what she likes!
congratulations and it will be okay.i have been with my partner 5 and a half years and his family have not agreed with me from day one.they disagree with everything we decide.we are getting married next year and they have said they are going to spoil our big so we r deciding to do it without them.i feel so sorry for my partner but he even said they will never be happy for him.do what you and your partner think is best and ignore everyone else.
Maybe I'm too late here. My daughter is getting married in October and both my sons are married so I have some experience. My feeling is that this is practise for life and amongst your first steps in dealing with everything life throws at you. Firstly - this is 'your day'. You must feel right about everything. Try to find some time to think cooly about all the seperate issues and apply fairness to your decision. Then make up your mind and put your foot down. There are always disagreements - don't let them spoil it all. Your mother-in-law is an older woman and should have enough life experience and self-control to fall into line. Your sister-in-law should understand that your wedding is not a signal for her own sub-party with her mates. Get a grip and stand up for yourself! Men hate all the weeping and wailing - give him a break. For goodness sake be strong - everyone who loves you will still love you afterwards!!!
lol i take it u dont like the mother in law lol.. well u marry her son u r part of the family ... tell u the truth i feel sorry for your partner and the mother in law what you are saying is no matter what she says u will not like it and its just you and your mother... and you wonder why she is bitter ! and its not your wedding its both of yours ! remember that u r not marryin the wedding u r marryin your partner .. i am a male and i will put you straight.. it will end in heartace ... for god sake give his mum a big hug and tell her she is a big part of your life.. not only will it help your mother in law it will be the best thing for your partner too ! and you have something old and new egc at the day of your wedding .. get something of your mother in law for something old or new or something blue BRING HER IN !! DONT LEAVE HER OUT ! all i can say is how would you like it if your mother was left out ! ... p.s .. have a great day lol
Hi, read all the answers and think there is wisdom in pretty much all of them.
My view in general is that too much emphasis these days is put on the wedding and not enough on the fact that you are marrying for life (but thats another debate)!!!
Of course, you and your mum are excited and have been planning this day for ages but (as a mother of 2 sons) I wonder if she is simply feeling jealous and peeved that she is not more involved. Not very mature I know but human enough.
I wondered if it would be feasible to perhaps invite both sets of parents out with you and your fiance for a pre-wedding meal. Maybe even at the venue of your wedding so that you can "try out" your menu?
You could thank both mums for their help and advice and let them know how much you both appreciate it .
Maybe that would make your MIL feel a little more equal and accepted in the status quo and also your fiance might feel less as if hes in the middle of the 2 most important women in his life.
Just a suggestion but perhaps it would help?
Oh, and re the SIL maybe shes a little nervous of joining a party where she doesn't know many/any of the other girls and would just feel more comfortable with a few of her own friends. In the scheme of things bite your lip on this one and welcome her 3 friends - they could be great fun.
My view in general is that too much emphasis these days is put on the wedding and not enough on the fact that you are marrying for life (but thats another debate)!!!
Of course, you and your mum are excited and have been planning this day for ages but (as a mother of 2 sons) I wonder if she is simply feeling jealous and peeved that she is not more involved. Not very mature I know but human enough.
I wondered if it would be feasible to perhaps invite both sets of parents out with you and your fiance for a pre-wedding meal. Maybe even at the venue of your wedding so that you can "try out" your menu?
You could thank both mums for their help and advice and let them know how much you both appreciate it .
Maybe that would make your MIL feel a little more equal and accepted in the status quo and also your fiance might feel less as if hes in the middle of the 2 most important women in his life.
Just a suggestion but perhaps it would help?
Oh, and re the SIL maybe shes a little nervous of joining a party where she doesn't know many/any of the other girls and would just feel more comfortable with a few of her own friends. In the scheme of things bite your lip on this one and welcome her 3 friends - they could be great fun.
I am getting married this friday and allthe way through we have decided thats its our wedding so shalldo as we please. You will never please everyone all of the time.Its your wedding.Do it how u want.As for the crying thing thats called emotional blackmail!
Go ahead and have a fantastic time.Im going to and it will be my way!
ps im not normally this forward but i/we wanted the wedding to reflect our likes and dislikes,including hen and stag parties. Go for it xxx
Go ahead and have a fantastic time.Im going to and it will be my way!
ps im not normally this forward but i/we wanted the wedding to reflect our likes and dislikes,including hen and stag parties. Go for it xxx
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