ChatterBank0 min ago
relationship advice...
34 Answers
hi guys. not sure if this is the right section for this, but i'll give it a go. i have been with my boyfriend for a year and 9 months and we are sickeningly happy most of the time. only a black cloud has hung over our relationship the whole time... his female best friend. i had been with my boyfriend for 10 days, when i was taken to a family event on christmas eve. i barely knew him, let alone any of the other people, and being a naturally shy person, i was fairly quiet. this friend of his then proceeded to say i was a 'stuck up b***h' among other things. ever since then she has been a pain in the arse. she wants him for herself and is jealous of our relationship. she texts him day-in and day-out and he even had to ask her to stop saying nasty things about me. this wasnt too bad when she had a boyfriend, but since they broke up, she has been worse than ever. my other half cant see that she's just using him to fill her time now that shes single. he has even admitted to me that she's not even nice to him. anyway... it all came to a head when he declared he was going to stay with her at uni. i kicked up a fuss because the two of us REALLY dont get along (through no fault of my own. i was willing to make the effort but she had already decided she didn't like me before she even met me) but he went anyway. obviously to me, it now looks like he chose to go, even though he knew it would upset me. why does this girl have some kind of hold over him? he didnt contact me the whole time he was there, and then i find some pictures on "facebook" and this girl is all over him. then i find out they shared a bed. is this just friendship? does anyone else think i'm jumping to conclusions? it's getting to the point where i want to make him choose, either his relationship with me or his friendship with her. but i know thats a totally wrong thing to do. i cant stay with him with her on the scene though. thanks for any help! x.
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I don't think there is anything wrong with you giving him that ultimatum. Its time you drew the line since he is clearly not respecting your feelings over hers. Although this shouldn't really be about her, it should be about you and him. If you cannot face up to the fact that he might want to keep this 'friend' then you may just have to walk away. If you insist he drops her he may end up resenting you anyway.
The fact that he has not contacted you the whole time might be his (albeit pathetic and harsh) way of telling you that he has chosen her friendship over your relationship.
Whatever you do, retain dignity and always think of number 1.
The fact that he has not contacted you the whole time might be his (albeit pathetic and harsh) way of telling you that he has chosen her friendship over your relationship.
Whatever you do, retain dignity and always think of number 1.
I don't know Shady.
I am the 'female best friend' (I tend to just prefer 'friend') to a couple of blokes. We've shared a bed, they've come out at stupid o'clock to pick me from places, they've dashed over when I need them,... And I've done the same for them. And will continue to do so. I would do the same for any female friend.
I know that when they've had girlfriends in the past I have been seen as a 'threat' initially and they've told me that girls have admitted to being scared to meet me. Because I'm aware of this I tend to go out of my way to put the girls at ease and to show that as much as I love the guys to bits, I'm not all that interested in seeing them naked. And vice versa.
As their friend I don't want them to have problems with the girlfriends because of me as I want them to be happy. I don't think real friends go out of their way to make life harder for each other.
It doesn't sound like this girl is extending the same courtesy to you. If she's not even a good friend to him then yes, I would question the hold she has over him.
You're right, you shouldn't make him choose. So this means you have to do what's best for your own well being.
I am the 'female best friend' (I tend to just prefer 'friend') to a couple of blokes. We've shared a bed, they've come out at stupid o'clock to pick me from places, they've dashed over when I need them,... And I've done the same for them. And will continue to do so. I would do the same for any female friend.
I know that when they've had girlfriends in the past I have been seen as a 'threat' initially and they've told me that girls have admitted to being scared to meet me. Because I'm aware of this I tend to go out of my way to put the girls at ease and to show that as much as I love the guys to bits, I'm not all that interested in seeing them naked. And vice versa.
As their friend I don't want them to have problems with the girlfriends because of me as I want them to be happy. I don't think real friends go out of their way to make life harder for each other.
It doesn't sound like this girl is extending the same courtesy to you. If she's not even a good friend to him then yes, I would question the hold she has over him.
You're right, you shouldn't make him choose. So this means you have to do what's best for your own well being.
He disn't take your feeling into consideration when he went ahead and shared a house with, let alone a bed!!! are you so niave that you think nothing happened? two young people sharing a bed? after a night on the town?
Sorry if what I wrote just hurt you, but I see myself as a realist.
This guy is taking you (and probably her) for a ride
Sorry if what I wrote just hurt you, but I see myself as a realist.
This guy is taking you (and probably her) for a ride
To be fair... i did refuse to contact him whilst he was there. I told him how much i didn't want him to go and then left the decision to him (a bit of a test, which was probably wrong of me). I then carried on as normal as i really didn't think he'd actually go. Then thursday rolls round and he actually goes. So i refused to reply to his messages or answer his calls in protest. I did think he would try a bit harder to get in contact, but he just sort of accepted it and didn't bother trying. These pictures as well are a bit dodgy. But when I suggested maybe it was more than friends, he laughed. Maybe the lady (or man) doth protest too much. Or maybe I'm just paranoid. Not sure, as I have been hurt in the past. I tend to look for problems in order to protect myself.
Thanks for your advice! It is basically what my mum has been saying. But I want some other people's perspectives about it.
Thanks for your advice! It is basically what my mum has been saying. But I want some other people's perspectives about it.
China Doll... I wish she were like you!
I like to think of myself as a friendly person, and my partner often says he thinks me and this girl would get along well, as we like the same things and are quite similar. I would have been more than happy to make the effort, as you can't have too many friends! And she really does have a large effect on our relationship. Every time he gets a text message, there's a mini argument because it's her. It would be much easier if we got along, but as I say... she seemed to make her mind up before she met me as i'm "the other woman" in their friendship. I have even tried to make the effort and had it thrown back in my face. I can't see why he would want to be friends with someone who can't put their own jealousy aside and accept our relationship. I guess maybe some of my friends dont like him, but they would never tell me. they would shut up, accept it and carry on being a good friend. here i go again... off on one! hehe. And 4GS i understand what you're saying, it's perfectly logical. After seeing these pictures, he was pretty damn drunk that night. he says they slept top-to-tail, but i still see a problem with this. he had the option of sleeping on the sofa, and chose her bed instead. hmmm...
I like to think of myself as a friendly person, and my partner often says he thinks me and this girl would get along well, as we like the same things and are quite similar. I would have been more than happy to make the effort, as you can't have too many friends! And she really does have a large effect on our relationship. Every time he gets a text message, there's a mini argument because it's her. It would be much easier if we got along, but as I say... she seemed to make her mind up before she met me as i'm "the other woman" in their friendship. I have even tried to make the effort and had it thrown back in my face. I can't see why he would want to be friends with someone who can't put their own jealousy aside and accept our relationship. I guess maybe some of my friends dont like him, but they would never tell me. they would shut up, accept it and carry on being a good friend. here i go again... off on one! hehe. And 4GS i understand what you're saying, it's perfectly logical. After seeing these pictures, he was pretty damn drunk that night. he says they slept top-to-tail, but i still see a problem with this. he had the option of sleeping on the sofa, and chose her bed instead. hmmm...
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William, it is quite possible for two young (ish) people to share a bed after a night on the town without getting jiggy with it thank you very much!
Shady - You can't go arount 'testing' people as they will invaribly fail to live up to your expectation if they don't know they're being 'tested.' It's a very immature thing to do and rarely leads to the result you want.
Refusing to talk won't make things better either. And actually, chances are he's telling his mate all these things and asking for advice. How do I know? Cause my mates would come and ask me what my perspective is on the situation. You're playing right in to her hands and giving her a lot of power. Not a smart thing to do.
If you don't trust this guy then it's just not going to work out anyway. And fundamentaly that's what this is all about. Don't make it about her. Yes she sounds like a nasty piece of work and could well fancy your boyfriend. However you have stated you have trust issues. You need to work on those in order to have a secure happy relationship.
Good luck.
Shady - You can't go arount 'testing' people as they will invaribly fail to live up to your expectation if they don't know they're being 'tested.' It's a very immature thing to do and rarely leads to the result you want.
Refusing to talk won't make things better either. And actually, chances are he's telling his mate all these things and asking for advice. How do I know? Cause my mates would come and ask me what my perspective is on the situation. You're playing right in to her hands and giving her a lot of power. Not a smart thing to do.
If you don't trust this guy then it's just not going to work out anyway. And fundamentaly that's what this is all about. Don't make it about her. Yes she sounds like a nasty piece of work and could well fancy your boyfriend. However you have stated you have trust issues. You need to work on those in order to have a secure happy relationship.
Good luck.
I would go mental if my partner shared a bed with a girl - friend, my partner does have a cose girl friend and since we met i have never met her, she doesnt know me, but wheni have read her texts to him i must admit they do wind me up they are full of kisses and hugs etc,. he doesnt see her, well not my fault i have said nothing to him, but i know i woudl go mad if he shared a bed with her, same as he would go mad if i shared a bed with a male friend.
Id ont blame you feeling this way, you need to tel him EXACTLY how you feel and what its doing to you and that you have never been the one to be the nasty one about her, i.e she called you the 'stuck up b1tch' not other way round so its only natural you now feel like this as it seems she doesn't like you around and why would just a FRIEND not like you around???????
Id ont blame you feeling this way, you need to tel him EXACTLY how you feel and what its doing to you and that you have never been the one to be the nasty one about her, i.e she called you the 'stuck up b1tch' not other way round so its only natural you now feel like this as it seems she doesn't like you around and why would just a FRIEND not like you around???????
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Just wondering how long he's known this 'best friend' for? And how long have you known him for?
Old habits die hard so if he's used to having her around I'm sure it's not his fault.
Even though he could be more considerate, are you guys serious about each other? In my view it�s not nice for a person to reject their friends over a partner then go back to them when it�s all over.
You can give him an ultimatum but then if he tells his friend she might turn it around on you.
Old habits die hard so if he's used to having her around I'm sure it's not his fault.
Even though he could be more considerate, are you guys serious about each other? In my view it�s not nice for a person to reject their friends over a partner then go back to them when it�s all over.
You can give him an ultimatum but then if he tells his friend she might turn it around on you.
Funny how the females above don�t see the threat of a female best friend but the men do! Maybe for men, the sex part does get in the way. I know my wife would never accept me having a female best friend that I jumped to/for, but then I would feel the same about her having a male friend that pandered to her every need, as well as me. Neither of us would accept the same bed story.
My sentiment is that there is no room for a third person interfering within a relationship (children excepted), that goes for best friends of any sex, jealous siblings or over-bearing parents/in-laws. Some people can accept the 3rd person principle and if that is you, fine, but if not then you need to make some decisions.
My sentiment is that there is no room for a third person interfering within a relationship (children excepted), that goes for best friends of any sex, jealous siblings or over-bearing parents/in-laws. Some people can accept the 3rd person principle and if that is you, fine, but if not then you need to make some decisions.
Sorry am I understanding you correctly Octavius?
As the close/best friend of at least two blokes I am in some way a third person to any relationship they have?
Even though I treat them no differently than I would a close female friend? (Well actually, one of them is better at wiring my TV and getting rid of bugs than the girls).
Or have I actually misunderstood?
As the close/best friend of at least two blokes I am in some way a third person to any relationship they have?
Even though I treat them no differently than I would a close female friend? (Well actually, one of them is better at wiring my TV and getting rid of bugs than the girls).
Or have I actually misunderstood?
If your friendship interferes within their relationship, then yes, but as you said above in your own experience it generally doesn�t. This would go for a man with a male best friend as well, or if my wifes best friend or sister interfered.
My point was that this friend in shady's experience is interfering with the relationship.
My point was that this friend in shady's experience is interfering with the relationship.
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