ChatterBank1 min ago
Should I be selfish?
8 Answers
Hi, my dad is wanting to put his �300k house which is half paid for on my name as he can no longer keep up the mortgage payments himself. I have to start mortgage payments, put the mortgage and property in my name and rely on the rent he will give me towards the room he and his new wife are in and also the room my sis is occupying. I would be taking the house on my name not for myself but for all 5 of his children. Making up the rest of the mortgage will put me under a lot of financial pressure. I want to take it for the sake of my brothers and sisters so that we will always have a family home. If I do not take it on my name then he will re-mortgage it on a joint mortgage with my new step mother who hates us and would like nothing better than to have that house as hers and chuck all his children out.
My worries are that I am now 27 and starting a new family commitment to my boyfriend of 6 years (we've just bought a flat together). If the mortgage goes on my stepmothers name I'm sure she'll start kicking all my brothers and sisters out but is this my problem when I have a great life with my boyfriend away from that house and its problems? My eldest sister is 30 and the youngest is 16 so surely they should be able to fend for themselves if they do get kicked out?
My real mum obviously wants me to take the property on my name as it secures acommodation for her children, but the pressure I'll be put on financially will be a lot. When my dad goes abroad to live in 1 year, he intends to come back to the UK for working holidays and live rent free in one of the rooms with his wife.
Should I be selfish and only care about my own new life and bright future with the man I love, putting my money towards our future OR should I take this house on my name to secure acommodation and the �150K lying in the house for my brothers and sisters, putting myself under financial stress? I just don't know where my priorities should lie.
My worries are that I am now 27 and starting a new family commitment to my boyfriend of 6 years (we've just bought a flat together). If the mortgage goes on my stepmothers name I'm sure she'll start kicking all my brothers and sisters out but is this my problem when I have a great life with my boyfriend away from that house and its problems? My eldest sister is 30 and the youngest is 16 so surely they should be able to fend for themselves if they do get kicked out?
My real mum obviously wants me to take the property on my name as it secures acommodation for her children, but the pressure I'll be put on financially will be a lot. When my dad goes abroad to live in 1 year, he intends to come back to the UK for working holidays and live rent free in one of the rooms with his wife.
Should I be selfish and only care about my own new life and bright future with the man I love, putting my money towards our future OR should I take this house on my name to secure acommodation and the �150K lying in the house for my brothers and sisters, putting myself under financial stress? I just don't know where my priorities should lie.
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Wow thats a biggie.
It is not your responsibility to take all that on your young shoulders but I can see you are protecting your siblings.
Why does your dad allow his wife to be like that tho? Does he not care what happens to his own children?
Have you checked the legal implications as far as whether your step-monster CAN actually evict the family?
You have to consider your own future with your partner and this would also be a huge strain on him too. I would not like to be in your shoes.
Good luck with it all deepamoon x
It is not your responsibility to take all that on your young shoulders but I can see you are protecting your siblings.
Why does your dad allow his wife to be like that tho? Does he not care what happens to his own children?
Have you checked the legal implications as far as whether your step-monster CAN actually evict the family?
You have to consider your own future with your partner and this would also be a huge strain on him too. I would not like to be in your shoes.
Good luck with it all deepamoon x
Do you earn enough to be able to get a second mortgage (assuming you got a mortgage to buy your flat)?
I agree that your sisters should be able to fend for themselves to a certain extent, especially the 30 year old one! Does she pay rent/board? If not then she should, that would help your dad with the mortgage.
If your dad is moving abroad in a year, what will happen to the house then? Will you pay the mortgage just so that your siblings can live there? Will your dad want any of the �150,000 equity to fund his new life abroad? Can't his new wife help with the mortgage anyway without actually putting her name on the deeds?
Basically I don't think its a good idea for you to take out a mortgage on a house you aren't even going to live in.
I agree that your sisters should be able to fend for themselves to a certain extent, especially the 30 year old one! Does she pay rent/board? If not then she should, that would help your dad with the mortgage.
If your dad is moving abroad in a year, what will happen to the house then? Will you pay the mortgage just so that your siblings can live there? Will your dad want any of the �150,000 equity to fund his new life abroad? Can't his new wife help with the mortgage anyway without actually putting her name on the deeds?
Basically I don't think its a good idea for you to take out a mortgage on a house you aren't even going to live in.
What a lot of pressure you are being put under!!
I think what concerns me most is that both your parents are expecting you to bail the entire family out, and that doesn't seem fair to me. You are a sibling, not a parent and its not your place to be panicking about where your family live..that really needs to be sorted out between your real Mum and Dad, especially in the case of the 16 year old sister. Of course you can be concerned, any loving sister would be, but at the end of the day you should not have to shoulder the burden of where your family live.
Its a tricky one, as blood is thicker than water, but you do have your own life to lead with your bloke and new flat.
Can your elder sister and other 2 siblings not sort anything out with the mortgage? I am sure HSBC bank where offering a scheme a while back in which you could buy with 2 or more friends, i'm sure this could work with a family as well. Failing that, is putting the house on the market not an option for your Dad? After all, its his problem to sort out. Or does he not want to sell as its his children's legacy?
I don't know what happens to Dad's when the re-marry!! My step mum was the same, she couldn't wait to get rid of me and my brother, we were both out on our ear when we were 18!! Step-monster is the right word!!
I hope you can come to some agreement, but you cant sacrifice your own happiness and financial well being and drop everything for your Dad while he swans off abroad with the new lady!! xx
I think what concerns me most is that both your parents are expecting you to bail the entire family out, and that doesn't seem fair to me. You are a sibling, not a parent and its not your place to be panicking about where your family live..that really needs to be sorted out between your real Mum and Dad, especially in the case of the 16 year old sister. Of course you can be concerned, any loving sister would be, but at the end of the day you should not have to shoulder the burden of where your family live.
Its a tricky one, as blood is thicker than water, but you do have your own life to lead with your bloke and new flat.
Can your elder sister and other 2 siblings not sort anything out with the mortgage? I am sure HSBC bank where offering a scheme a while back in which you could buy with 2 or more friends, i'm sure this could work with a family as well. Failing that, is putting the house on the market not an option for your Dad? After all, its his problem to sort out. Or does he not want to sell as its his children's legacy?
I don't know what happens to Dad's when the re-marry!! My step mum was the same, she couldn't wait to get rid of me and my brother, we were both out on our ear when we were 18!! Step-monster is the right word!!
I hope you can come to some agreement, but you cant sacrifice your own happiness and financial well being and drop everything for your Dad while he swans off abroad with the new lady!! xx
The stepmother is dads next of kin and will get everything should he die, unless he makes a will stating otherwise.
I am a stepmother but we have arranged our wills so that nobody gets anything until we are both deceased and then all will be shared between all our children from our previous marriages, we were both widowed with grown up children.
I am a stepmother but we have arranged our wills so that nobody gets anything until we are both deceased and then all will be shared between all our children from our previous marriages, we were both widowed with grown up children.
Talk to your siblings. Explain that it is a big ask and stretch. Maybe they can all pitch in, if it is towards a family home for them in the future. If they dont mind either way and your dad does re-mortgage it with his wife and it all falls through then it would be his problem. you all need to talk about it and decide whats best all round but if it is a struggle for you alone then dont do it, you have to think about your future. Hope that didnt sound mean.
This must be absolutely awful for you but - you are not responsible here, he has a new wife now and together they should care for the others. What if he can't afford the rent that will then leave you in high waters and as mentioned before his new wife can walk with everything. You will not be thanked for it in the end if it does go wrong and you end up losing all you have because of this. I think it is a terrible thing to ask a daughter to do. You have your own life please do not be taken for a mug - I have many times and I am paying the price now. on one occasion I was asked to get a loan for my dad he needed it for a deposit on a house many years ago. It was never put on the house he ran off with another woman and my money. I did get it back eventually through the courts. Look after number one!! would your mum not take on the mortgage to house the kids? sure she wouldn't. At the age of 30 she is is old enough to take this on. If you are able to get such a mortgage would it be a better idea to buy a bigger house and take in the 16 year old until she can stand on her own, just a thought or if you all bought something between you as an investment. You didn't mention if you siblings work.
no way should you do this. you are not being selfish.
ive been typing & deleting sentences for half an hour now & getting a bit angry on your behalf!
you already know the answer. dont do it- you will regret it & end up resenting them. dont let them guilt trip you or say you are letting them down- its just not on.
your siblings are not children anymore. it would be fairer for them to all rent a cheap flat between them than for you to take on this whole financial burden.
you are very noble to consider doing this & obviously dont want to let the family down, but if none of them are in a position to help out now, what will happen if you also get in a financial mess because of this? will any of them step up & bail you out? doubtful from what you have said.
in a few yrs time the 'children' will have moved on & it will be just your dad & his wife. will you still support them then?
your future is no less important than theirs- dont ruin it
best of luck & i hope you make the right choice x
ive been typing & deleting sentences for half an hour now & getting a bit angry on your behalf!
you already know the answer. dont do it- you will regret it & end up resenting them. dont let them guilt trip you or say you are letting them down- its just not on.
your siblings are not children anymore. it would be fairer for them to all rent a cheap flat between them than for you to take on this whole financial burden.
you are very noble to consider doing this & obviously dont want to let the family down, but if none of them are in a position to help out now, what will happen if you also get in a financial mess because of this? will any of them step up & bail you out? doubtful from what you have said.
in a few yrs time the 'children' will have moved on & it will be just your dad & his wife. will you still support them then?
your future is no less important than theirs- dont ruin it
best of luck & i hope you make the right choice x
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