Boyfriend can't accept son

[rubyrocket]

I'm a single mom who has been involved with a man for 8 months now. I have a 9 year old son from a previous marriage. When I met my boyfriend he was a dream come true. He was very romantic and always fun to be around. He talked about what a family guy he was and all. He seem to be anxious to form a relationship with my son. He soon proposed and I accepted but we never got around to getting rings right off. He moved into my place and has helped me out with expenses and home repairs.

Here is the problem as time went on I realized he has a very bad temper. He has fits of rage where he screams at the top of his lungs. He has not formed a relationship with my son and doesn't do much besides criticize him. He complains that he leaves the toilet seat up, doesn't flush the toilet, eats too much, is spoiled, and makes fun of him. When I complain he says that is how men bond. Any efforts he seems to make to form a bond are always short lived. When ever I get upset with him he seems to go out of his way to do nice things for me or my son but it never lasts and he returns to his old attitude.

One day when I left early for work he had to watch my son for 30 minutes until my mum picked my son up for school. He snapped at my son because he was going out and didn't have his shoes tied. My son fumbled with the shoe strings but couldn't get them tied because the laces were too short. he wouldn't let my son out of the door. He said you are not leaving until you tie your shoes. My son said he couldn't and my boyfriend said only babies can't tie their shoes and my son began to cry. I never saw this side of my boyfriend but after catching wind of this I supported my son whole heartedly and sided with him every time I suspected my boyfriend was badgering him unfairly. The behavior as subsided but he still can not seem to accept my son. I discovered I was pregnant and that is why I've been putting up with it .

[excelsior]

not sure what it is you are asking of us .. whether you want advice, or help in reaching a decision.

personally, if it were me - my son would come first. especially if the boyfriend is quick tempered - there is a danger that could lead to abuse.

i would leave him.

fortunately i'm a single male so i'll never be in this spot.

whatever transpires i only hope you will come out of the other side of this well, and in one piece . . . good luck

[cazzz1975]

get rid of him!, why would you let a man treat your son in that way?!

dont put up with it ffs! because it will get worse and your son will get withdrawn, what a horrible situation for the poor boy to be force to live with

I would rather stay single than allow my son to be abused because I was too weak to do anything about it, he looks to you as his saviour, and you are letting him down.

[raysparx1]

Hi rubyrocket, Sorry to say it, but he will never accept your son by the sound of it, sounds to me as if he is jealous of the closeness you have with your son or the fact you had a life before him, he needs to grow up, but I agree with cazzz, get rid, you will be better off without the d!ckhead, Ray

[figure]

Your son should always come before boyfriend. Poor kid, hope he never feel neglected or rejected.

[unrulyjulie]

I agree with raysparx! It never changes and if he's jealous of your own son, what else is gonna make him jealous?
good luck!

[ojread2]

If he is like this after only 8 months what will he be like in a couple of years? Think about when you really do become 'his' once you're married. Your son is already living in a home that is not so homely anymore, do you really want more of this?

Get rid of him, now, it's the only way. You will find some one else who will love your son as much as he professes to love you too.

Love doesn't cause pain like this

[unrulyjulie]

i agree with raysparx, it never changes and your son MUST come first else you'll live to regret it, take my word for it
good luck

[Bewlay Bros]

I agree with the rest. Your son, is in effect, an exstension of yourself. a simple equation is if somebody is emotionally involved with you, they have to be emotionally involved with your son. Simple as that.

I think that is the issue with single mums.

My advice, leave him. He can not change. And find a single dad who knows all about bonding with children.

A harsh decision as you love him and may feel it is hard to find a partner, but I am afraid your son should come first.

ANd as for my own father and me "bonding", he was only ever critical in a constructive and loving way. I can not recall him ever belittling me.

Good luck, and hopefully Mr. Right is out there for you.

[Ice.Maiden]

Ruby - I have to agree with every single person on here. I've seen exactly the same situation as you describe, within my own family. As much as you love your partner, the worst thing you could do would be to marry him. You can always find a kinder man, but you can't undo the damage that's happening to your son. He deserves to come first, always. The best of luck to you.

[banjobabe]

Hey Ruby,

I have to say that I agree with the other answers.

One thing that no-one seems to have mentioned is how will things change when your new child is born? Highly unlikely that they will improve for your son. I think that his own child will always come first - probably above you too. I was a single Mum for a long time and also had partners who were not good for my children. You will have to do what you think is right for yourself and your son.

It will be a very difficult decision to make, not least because of the time of year. You may think that if you split that things will be much more difficult but you never know what is around the corner.

I wish you well whatever your decision and I hope you have a very merry christmas and a happy new year.

BB xx

[Pippa68]

This breaks my heart.

When I moved in with Mr P we had the odd occasion where we had to 'iron out the rough spots' as it were. Both of us did as we were both getting into relationships where children were involved ~ I am also a stepmum to his daughter.

I would say that the first 3 years were trying, however I never witnessed the form of parenting you describe.

Your son cannot be raised in such a hostile environment. If things cannot be sorted I can only see the situation becoming far worse when your new baby arrrives as it will be your boyfriends natural child.

I couldn't stay there and watch my child being mentally abused, pregnant or not. I wish you all the luck in the world ~ and the strength move on.

[4GS]

. When I complain he says that is how men bond.
utter rubbish!!!!! That is not the way men bond. Your partner sounds like he is jealous of your son, or that he had an overbearing parent and this is the way he thinks children should be brought up.
You can either accept his behavior and hope he changes, or try and make him see that his attitude is unacceptable and needs to change.

[figure]

From what you have said I don't believe he will change permanently. As you said, he change for a lil while then return to his 'old' ways.

[Pippa68]

Yeah grav, you are wrong.

[rubyrocket]

I have tried to break it off two times already. We wind up reconciling because he says I'm taking away his chance at being a father to his child which makes me feel guilty. I have gotten into knock down drag out fights if he even looks at my son cross eyed but trying to constantly shield my son from him is exhausting and is taking the joy out of our lives. When ever he does something nice for my son he actually sabotages his own efforts. He took my son out to buy a packback and school supplies. My son was excited and happy. My boyfriend came home and said my son didn't thank him. I asked my son and he said he did in the store. My boyfriend said don't you have something to say to me and my son said he said thank you but maybe my boyfriend didn't hear him. Well my boyfriend went off about how my son was ungrateful and spoiled. The argument was not in front of my son and I did defend my son tooth and nail. He is wonderful when we are alone but I am not a single person I am a package deal. Thanks I really needed to hear this feedback. It gives me confidence in the decision I believe I've already made.

[banjobabe]

Hey Ruby,

What you have to remember is that it is not you that is taking away his chance to be a father, it is him by his behaviour to your own son.

Take care and make sure you come on here for a rant or whatever you feel if your life becomes difficult.

Big hugs

BB xx

[Pippa68]

I second that, BB.

ruby ~ don't let him make you feel guilty. NONE of this is your fault. On the contrary it is your boyfriends fault for not being a man...by mentally abusing your son.

It is in a womans nature to nurture and protect their children. There are plenty of men out there who aren't like your boyfriend, however you only have one son.

Please let us know how you get on xx

[rubyrocket]

Thanks Banjobabe!!! You're the best!!