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Boyfriend can't accept son
37 Answers
I'm a single mom who has been involved with a man for 8 months now. I have a 9 year old son from a previous marriage. When I met my boyfriend he was a dream come true. He was very romantic and always fun to be around. He talked about what a family guy he was and all. He seem to be anxious to form a relationship with my son. He soon proposed and I accepted but we never got around to getting rings right off. He moved into my place and has helped me out with expenses and home repairs.
Here is the problem as time went on I realized he has a very bad temper. He has fits of rage where he screams at the top of his lungs. He has not formed a relationship with my son and doesn't do much besides criticize him. He complains that he leaves the toilet seat up, doesn't flush the toilet, eats too much, is spoiled, and makes fun of him. When I complain he says that is how men bond. Any efforts he seems to make to form a bond are always short lived. When ever I get upset with him he seems to go out of his way to do nice things for me or my son but it never lasts and he returns to his old attitude.
One day when I left early for work he had to watch my son for 30 minutes until my mum picked my son up for school. He snapped at my son because he was going out and didn't have his shoes tied. My son fumbled with the shoe strings but couldn't get them tied because the laces were too short. he wouldn't let my son out of the door. He said you are not leaving until you tie your shoes. My son said he couldn't and my boyfriend said only babies can't tie their shoes and my son began to cry. I never saw this side of my boyfriend but after catching wind of this I supported my son whole heartedly and sided with him every time I suspected my boyfriend was badgering him unfairly. The behavior as subsided but he still can not seem to accept my son. I discovered I was pregnant and that is why I've been putting up with it .
Here is the problem as time went on I realized he has a very bad temper. He has fits of rage where he screams at the top of his lungs. He has not formed a relationship with my son and doesn't do much besides criticize him. He complains that he leaves the toilet seat up, doesn't flush the toilet, eats too much, is spoiled, and makes fun of him. When I complain he says that is how men bond. Any efforts he seems to make to form a bond are always short lived. When ever I get upset with him he seems to go out of his way to do nice things for me or my son but it never lasts and he returns to his old attitude.
One day when I left early for work he had to watch my son for 30 minutes until my mum picked my son up for school. He snapped at my son because he was going out and didn't have his shoes tied. My son fumbled with the shoe strings but couldn't get them tied because the laces were too short. he wouldn't let my son out of the door. He said you are not leaving until you tie your shoes. My son said he couldn't and my boyfriend said only babies can't tie their shoes and my son began to cry. I never saw this side of my boyfriend but after catching wind of this I supported my son whole heartedly and sided with him every time I suspected my boyfriend was badgering him unfairly. The behavior as subsided but he still can not seem to accept my son. I discovered I was pregnant and that is why I've been putting up with it .
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rubyrocket,
what im going to tell you now is my own experience of this situation.
i was with a man who treated my son from a previous relationship this way. he never had a good word to say, was constantly critisizing him, putting him down in whichever way he could. it was a constant battle between him and myself because all mothers will defend their offspring.
i made a huge mistake, of which i am now paying for in guilt, i stayed with this man.my son is now a teenager and i have chatted to him about this issue and he hates him with a passion for how he was treated by him. ultimately though, i feel that the responsibility lies at my feet for allowing it to by remaining with him. he not only treated him in this way but also myself so i suppose after so long you just live with it. i have since parted from my other half and have never been happier. It is so easy to drift along just taking the good bits and pushing the bad bits to the back but trust me, they DO resurface!
take my word for this ruby, it will not get any better. please please do not end up like me, full of regret for the different life you could have given your son. every day i feel guilty and have some real issues as to why i let this happen to us. They will never go away. I know my son doesnt blame me and despite all this he is an amazing boy whom i am increibly proud of!
Yes you are pregnant, but he could well end up jealous of the new baby too! Please please rubyrocket, dont make the same mistake i made, you can't turn back the clocks 10 years down the line. Who is most important, the man or your son? you know the answer
i wish you all the very best of luck in making the right decision. i wish id been given this advice many years ago.
mustardchops xx
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ruby, made me so sad reading your post. Your boyfriend is a jealous bully. Please get rid of him. I feel so sorry for your little boy. I have a daughter of the same age. Be strong and tell the boyfriend to go. Your son comes first. You are better off by yourself with him. Please let us know what you decide. xx
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Hi Ruby, i can only echo what everyone else has advised you to do.
The most important person in your life is your son. Your son doesn't have a choice in this matter, but you do, and you have to do the right thing by him.
Your boyfriend is using emotional blackmail to try and keep you in this relationship, and that alone is wrong. He's an adult and is responsible for his own actions.
Your son will always be with you, but men will sadly come and go.
Good luck Ruby. Keep us posted xxx
The most important person in your life is your son. Your son doesn't have a choice in this matter, but you do, and you have to do the right thing by him.
Your boyfriend is using emotional blackmail to try and keep you in this relationship, and that alone is wrong. He's an adult and is responsible for his own actions.
Your son will always be with you, but men will sadly come and go.
Good luck Ruby. Keep us posted xxx
Ruby, by continuing to stay with this man you are giving him all the wrong signals. He abuses your son, you have a go at him, he's nice to you for a while, then everything is back the same again. You aren't giving him any reason to stop this cycle. I don't mean this to sound like I'm having a go or blaming you. Not at all. I just wanted to point out in the simplest of terms what's happening here.
Protect your son and send this man packing. Otherwise you are giving the message that even though you argue about it, you will allow this totally unreasonable behaviour continue.
Think also of the message this is giving to your son. It's unacceptable isn't it?
Imagine for a moment that you weren't in this situation yourself but your best friend came to you and told you this was going on with her son and boyfriend. You would no doubt be telling her what we are telling you hon. And if indeed that is the case, then there is your answer.
You have acknowledged that this is a major problem for you so from here on you can only be treated as badly as you allow yourself to be. You and your son deserve to be treated with love and respect. Accept nothing less.
Protect your son and send this man packing. Otherwise you are giving the message that even though you argue about it, you will allow this totally unreasonable behaviour continue.
Think also of the message this is giving to your son. It's unacceptable isn't it?
Imagine for a moment that you weren't in this situation yourself but your best friend came to you and told you this was going on with her son and boyfriend. You would no doubt be telling her what we are telling you hon. And if indeed that is the case, then there is your answer.
You have acknowledged that this is a major problem for you so from here on you can only be treated as badly as you allow yourself to be. You and your son deserve to be treated with love and respect. Accept nothing less.
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Hi
You don't say how old this man is or if he has had children of his own I think he might be jealous of your son or maybe when hes annoyed with you picks on him to get at you .I know it seems daft but some men are like that .Just make sure you son is happy Men can be like big kids even when they are the father of the child. Good luck with you new baby and make sure your son doesn't feel left out
You don't say how old this man is or if he has had children of his own I think he might be jealous of your son or maybe when hes annoyed with you picks on him to get at you .I know it seems daft but some men are like that .Just make sure you son is happy Men can be like big kids even when they are the father of the child. Good luck with you new baby and make sure your son doesn't feel left out
Hi ruby rocket - all the answers and advice have been great except Gravitates' - dont know what planet he is on. Anyway I am going to say too - get rid of this controlling bully - your son comes first - he was born to you first and the "control freak" came next. You reared your son for nine years on your own and you will be given the strength to rear your next baby too. If you are young there is sombody kind out there who will look after you. PLEASE GET RID OF HIM
I think you possibly already know the answer in your heart and have come on here for confirmation, and that is that your son has to take precedence over your boyfriend. You say you discovered you were pregnant and that is why you are putting up with it. I'm a little confused. Are you currently pregnant with your boyfriend's child?
It is very damaging for a small child to be continually bullied in this way - and bullying is what it is. You have been with your boyfriend for long enough know to realise this is how he is, and how he behaves towards your son, will probably not change. From his point of view, your son's presence will probably always be resented. Your son is probably being quietly traumatised by this new man you have moved into your home, (presumably with no discussion with him about he felt about it?) and who has invaded his life with such unpleasantness. Your son's wellbeing must come first. Break off the relationship before you do him any more emotional damage. How this man behaves towards your son is probably indicative of how he will behave to any other small child. Don't make the same mistake twice.
It is very damaging for a small child to be continually bullied in this way - and bullying is what it is. You have been with your boyfriend for long enough know to realise this is how he is, and how he behaves towards your son, will probably not change. From his point of view, your son's presence will probably always be resented. Your son is probably being quietly traumatised by this new man you have moved into your home, (presumably with no discussion with him about he felt about it?) and who has invaded his life with such unpleasantness. Your son's wellbeing must come first. Break off the relationship before you do him any more emotional damage. How this man behaves towards your son is probably indicative of how he will behave to any other small child. Don't make the same mistake twice.
poor kid ! ... why are you lettin this man abuse your child ?
your child comes first every time ...boyfriends / husbands come and go ..children are for life ... remember that !!!!!!.
..... get rid of him before you loose your child .... he is jelous anyone can see that coz you are probly close to your son he hates it !!!!......
as for being pregnent ! your son will be left out altogether by him thats for sure .....
dont give me the love thing !!!!!!... your love for your child comes before anything...............or anyone !
your child comes first every time ...boyfriends / husbands come and go ..children are for life ... remember that !!!!!!.
..... get rid of him before you loose your child .... he is jelous anyone can see that coz you are probly close to your son he hates it !!!!......
as for being pregnent ! your son will be left out altogether by him thats for sure .....
dont give me the love thing !!!!!!... your love for your child comes before anything...............or anyone !
Hello Again,
I did send my boyfriend packing, we still talk but we are no living together and I've insisted that he have no contact with my son. He is very angry at me for this decision. My boyfriend is 34, so he isn't a really young man. He has no children of his own but I think the issue stems from the fact that he had a very uncaring mother who was verbally abusive and gave him up to foster care. She let his step father beat him so badly that the authorities took him out of the home. When he sees the close and loving relationship my son and I share I think it acts as a trigger for the emptiness he feels in his own relationship with his mum and the abuse he endured due to her neglect and lack of empathy. I can not solve his problems and he is going to therapy now. I hope he stays in therapy, it will only benefit my daughter, she will have a life long relationship with him. He is a very sweet and caring person towards me although he is a screamer when he is faced with adversity. He just has some issue with my son. He has told me in the past that he can not deal with the fact that I had a previous life, that I was married and had a child with someone else. He is insanely jealous of my ex-husband. We (my ex, his girlfriend and myself) have a very amicable relationship. My son adores my ex-husbands girlfriend as do I. This is all too much for my boyfriend to take.
I did send my boyfriend packing, we still talk but we are no living together and I've insisted that he have no contact with my son. He is very angry at me for this decision. My boyfriend is 34, so he isn't a really young man. He has no children of his own but I think the issue stems from the fact that he had a very uncaring mother who was verbally abusive and gave him up to foster care. She let his step father beat him so badly that the authorities took him out of the home. When he sees the close and loving relationship my son and I share I think it acts as a trigger for the emptiness he feels in his own relationship with his mum and the abuse he endured due to her neglect and lack of empathy. I can not solve his problems and he is going to therapy now. I hope he stays in therapy, it will only benefit my daughter, she will have a life long relationship with him. He is a very sweet and caring person towards me although he is a screamer when he is faced with adversity. He just has some issue with my son. He has told me in the past that he can not deal with the fact that I had a previous life, that I was married and had a child with someone else. He is insanely jealous of my ex-husband. We (my ex, his girlfriend and myself) have a very amicable relationship. My son adores my ex-husbands girlfriend as do I. This is all too much for my boyfriend to take.
o my god !! liston to yourself.. read your own words !... you are in danger and so is your son.. give it till your child is teenager and your son sticks up for himself he will beat your son up or even kill him .. read his past..... mother and father the way they were with him ... and its your words not mine you said he hates your son he is nothing to him.... i bet he beats your son and tells him if he tells you he is going to get beaten or even you will get beaten !!!!.. you are a FOOL ! to stay with this man... your child is your life not this man !!!.. if you stay you are a unfit mother !!! and in the end you will loose both !!! and dont tell me that you are a fit mother all i can say to that is ...YOUR WORDS NOT MINE !!
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