How do you let things go?

[lorla]

Hoping someone has some words of advice? I was at loggerheads with my sister about something and my Mum stopped in to try and stop it but sided wih my sister as always and made a bad situation bad. I backed down and wrote a grovelling e-mail to my sister to shut my Mum up and to try and settle things. The e-mail was full of things I didn't believe but knew she wanted hear so did it anyway....but I feel angry that I had to send the e-mail and degrade myself like that. I want to not be bothered and move on but I don't know how to let things go? I'm the sort of person that goes over a row a thousand times in my head afterwards....but I wish I wasn't like that - I wish I could just let things go and move on. Any suggestions?

[shazzzz]

Lorla never say sorry if you think you are right,your mum knows you are the soft one ,been through the same thing myself.In the end you will relise you and your mum have empowerd your sister . untill she becomes a controling nutter like mine,you wouldent belive what she done.get your best mate and a bottle of what ever you drink and have a good laugh .in my case my friends are the most important,and blood aint thicker than water .your mum just wants a quite life.and she gets it from you.so chin up girl and go to the offie

[ladyalex]

Wish I had a penny for every time I have felt like you do now! I'd be a millionaire. I am getting a bit better at it now, though.
I think what you have to do is to keep telling yourself that , although you have written a load of rubbish in the e-mail, it has had the desired result and stopped the row.(Hope it has, by the way). Your sister is unlikely to see your point of view, otherwise you wouldn't have had the row in the first place. Same goes for your Mum. As for the future, try to get better at seeing the arguments coming and either avoiding them or handling them more coolly. If you can keep your emotions in check and give reasoned arguments to people, they may not back down or agree with you, but you will not get so upset. It's hard, though. I am sure your sister knows all the buttons to press to annoy/upset you, but remember, they are your buttons and you don't have to respond to them every time. Try not to rise to her bait.
At the moment, though, you've got to try to stop yourself thinking about this row over and over. You don't need me to tell you that it will get you nowhere other than more upset. The only way i have found to stop myself thinking about something is to make myself think about something else. So, when the thoughts come into your head again, try to be ready with something nice to think about like how you are next going to treat yourself.(Doesn't have to be a big treat, some new smellies for the bath counts). Or try to remember something nice. Logic is no good with these thoughts, just stopping them is what you want to do.
Remember, you put yourself in the right, you were the bigger person because you stopped the row.
Good luck. I do feel for you.

[ladyalex]

shazzz's answer has a whole lot going for it too....

[Marijn]

I agree with ladyalex's answer.
Every time the upsetting thoughts come back into your mind, re-read her answer.

[lorla]

Fantastic, thanks so much! I can't tell you how much your words mean. I feel better already - I feel bullied and bruised so its good to hear some encouraging words.

I will to stop thinking about it - you're right. I am getting married in a few months so have plenty to think about!

As so far as the effect the e-mail had - yes we stopped rowing but only because she didn't acknowledge my e-mail or reply. I sent the e-mail a week ago and have had no feedback. Nothing's moving forward despite me giving in and telling her what she wnated to hear - what can I do next?

[ladyalex]

Concentrate on your wedding.

Do you really need your sister to get in touch with you?
She's had her 'victory'. Leave her alone, but if/when she does get in touch treat her with the utmost politeness and relentless cheerfulness as if the row had never happened. And don't rise to the next bait.
I guess I'm saying, stop dancing to her tune, get on with your own life.

[lorla]

Pearls of wisdom - I know exactly what you mean. I just am struggling with how to do it. Like I find it difficult to 'let things go'.

I hear what you're saying and I'm going to give it my all! and am going to grab a vodka now too Shazzzz!

Just sad really, we're such a close family believe it or not. I never go a whole week without seeing her let alone speaking to her.

[Marijn]

lorla, you're a lovely person. you don't need your sister's approval.
Enoy your wedding. Congratulations!

[Marijn]

Whoops... Enoy = Enjoy

[FoxLee2]

Have just seen your post. One way that might help you to let things go is to write your sister a letter. Air all your grievances, be as blunt and brutal as you like and when you've said all you really wanted to say DON'T POST IT but tear it up. Giving 'voice' to your true feelings and anger will hopefully get it out of your system and you can move forward in a happier frame of mind with lovely thoughts of your wedding. Good luck anyway.

[Ice.Maiden]

Some good advice here lorla. In future, when you feel tension or an argument brewing, just look at your sister, but don't listen to her. Think of something amusing about her - fill your mind with other thoughts while she has a rant - then smile and walk away. Do the same when you feel the urge to retaliate. Don't rise to the bait - just quickly try and think of something amusing, or completely different. When your sister sees that she's having no effect on you - or anyone, come to that - they'll soon realise that there's no point in starting anything with you. If you want to vent your anger - write it down, then tear it up - and get on with whatever you were doing before it. x

[lorla]

Fantastic advice - thanks all so much. I think this will all really help.....I am going to try some of these tactics and see how I get on. I like the idea of writing everything down and saying everything I feel but not actually sending it - great stuff!

Thanks all so much.