It's not fair right???

[SuDFB]

I will try and keep this short...

I have been living with my inlaws for 3 years, me and my hubby got married last year :) anyways... We pay quarter of the rent and a few bills (we are trying to save for a house) where as his younger brother (only by a couple of years) doesnt pay ANYTHING...

He has a job but doesnt pay rent or bills not even bread when its running out... Won't cook or clean... won't even tidy his room URGH... His 20 years old and his mum still does everything for him (my hubby was the same when I moved in and slowly I taught how its done, although his mum won't drop it)

I have mentioned to my inlaws that my bro in law should at least pay a bit of rent, and the reply I get is ''you know how he is tight with money and that'' is that a good enough reason? Why does one son pay and the other not???

Do you think it's fair if from now on only I give some towards the rent (as I am not their daughter) and my hubby doesnt pay anything untill his brother does too???

[ummmm]

Err...it's not one son though. There are two of you..!! It's up to his Mum...her house her rules.

[evedawn]

yup - it might seem unfair. But don't you think the parents in law are doing you a favour. They don't HAVE to put you up. In a nutshell...if you don't like it ...leave. Sorry to be harsh but...

[SuDFB]

I know it's not my place... but she has two sons why is she making onn one of them pay? It's unfair and my hubby keeps getting walked all over and her brother gets away with everything...

I can't afford to move out yet I need a few morw month to save...

But I find it so hard to see my husband always being called for everything they need, money, bank stuff etc and the other one does NOTHING... We don't even get our privacy respected. I know it's her house but I pay for my room, but she walked in touches my stuff moves them around when we are not home URGH... and last weekend she walked in on us havind sex, didn't knock or call our names, just simply opened the door stood there untill we realised and they she was crying because my son shouted at her... She is now going around the house all sad as if we did something wrong, when she hasnt even apologised for what she did... So a lock on our door untill we move which hopefully will be soon...

[redcrx]

has the other son got married and moved his wife in?

you are not in same position as the other son and certainly not in any position to complain about whats fair and what isnt.

after 3 years surely you have enough funds to put a deposit on a place?

[SuDFB]

No she doesnt have to put up with me that is true... But she doesnt want us to move out for these reasons...

1. She needs the money we give her monthly
2. She needs my husbands help for EVERYTHING as her english is basic
3. She can't live without her boys (her words) yet treats one better then the other
4. If we move out she will have to start cooking and cleaning

I have wanted to move out so many times but didn't because she begged us to stay so we did... Now we want to move regardless but we can't because we have helped them so much financialy that we now can no longer afford a place of our own :(

[dot.haukes]

ahhh it is probably because that is her inbuilt belief, that families support one another unselfishly and without complaint, to her the family unit is and always will be the single most important part of her life, good luck with trying to take her son away from her.

[redcrx]

anyway, what is your husband saying or doing about this?

[dot.haukes]

your mother-in-law probably started her married life in much the saem situation, where they helped and supported the family and made a home with an extended family that meant everyone had a role, Your nrother-in-lawsd rols is to be the apple of his mothers eye and to go onto great things, having been supported and nurtured by all of you to ensure his future

[SuDFB]

I know...

I help as much as I can but it feels like nothing is enough... And little things like teaching her she no longer needs to wash and iron his close that we take care of our thing, is the end of the world for her...

I saved so much money and they needs it so we lent it... do you know where it is now? God knows she spent it 8 thousand pounds in 6 months and I don't know on what... and you want to know the worst bit she tells me
''my gave GAVE me the money to help me out''
WE not just him WE and its was both our sweat and blood in that money, WE LENT IT ... but we won't get it back so I am stuck untill at least next year...

[SuDFB]

I'm sorry guys I am just letting it all out, it's just that at home I can't say certain thing as I get seen as the b.i.t.c.h :(

I feel so frustrated it's like shes done everything on purpose do he sons statys with her (shes sick in the mind)

[SuDFB]

my mother in law didnt start like that at all...

My husband is stuck in the middle bless him... at the begining he took her side but now he is starting to realise that she is doing everything for him not to leave...

He has told me he doesnt want ptoblems or arguments, for us to keep our heads down and save so we can leave...

But for me that is no solution, but I have to respect him as its his family, but I just feel so frustrated...

[black bunny]

poor you... I advise the following-
1. DO NOT under any more circs lend her any more money. Not till she's paid back every penny she owes you both.
2. Persuade your husband this is going to damage your relationship if you stay much longer...rent anything, even a room in a house, live in a tent if necessary, but move out as quick as you can.
3. Your husband loves her, I'm sure, but he must not let her walk all over both of you, and must assert himself and tell her that although he loves and respects her the present situation is not working. Give her one week to change her behaviour and leave without further debate if nothing gets better.

Good luck, support and look after each other and let us know what happens.

[caththecrazy]

You said your husband was the same until you moved in and taught him so how did she manage before?

Just keep thinking it won't be forever and look forward to the day you can move out.

[SuDFB]

Thanks guys for all your support, I have spoken to my husband and he thinks we should stay untill we are better off financialy to move out.... which I hope is soon

As for the money she owes us its as good as gone :(

She isnt speaking to us as in her mind we have done something wrong, so at the mo we are just doing our thing and saving as much as we can...

p.s. managed to get my bro in law to pay some rent too, so at least one good thing :)

[pastafreak]

I think you really need to sit down and talk to your MIL.....otherwise this situation will just continue. Your husband seems to be afraid to 'rock the boat' and is unwilling to assert himself. Meanwhile the other brother is-in your eyes-living rent free. Your MIL may take the attitude that as he has lived in the house all along......then she cannot start to ask him to pay now. I would imagine she is somewhat old fashioned in her attitudes about such things. But she could be educated in how MOST families pull together ...and that ALL family members should contribute. As for what she has borrowed...I fear that she knows full well that what she has taken is what you'ved saved so that you and her son can LEAVE...and she may not want that. Obviously....she is trying to stop it from happening...

[Ice.Maiden]

Sorry, I agree with ummm. Your mil now has two extra people to keep, so it's only right that you should pay something. Perhaps she's not actually charging your husband either - just you, and I think you'd be hard-pressed to find somewhere of your own for the amount you're being charged, so she's doing you both a favour by not charging too much and allowing you to do a bit of saving.
What she does with her other son has nothing to do with anyone else. He's not the one bringing a partner in.

[MWB]

Your mother-in-law is emotionally blackmailing.

I see 2 choices.

Be assertive with her or move out.

Good luck.

[pinktwink]

just watched britains worst MIL today. It does your husband no good relying on his mum at his age even to save money. Is there a more neutral place yee can stay for a while??