My daughter has left home she is only 16

[debs6913]

Help. My daughter went off to school and never came home. She has gone to live with her boyfriend over 100 miles away. She is only 16, he is 19 and lives with his dad. It seems one minute she is doing her A levels and the next she has taken leave of her senses.
I have managed to speak to her briefly she is always busy and can't talk, her mobile is always off!! She knows I am not at all happy with the situation and want her to come home. The boyfriends dad has told her he feels uncomfortable in the house with her there and told her to go home but her and the boyfriend just refuse to listen to him.
I'm at my wits end my beautiful bright respectful helpful daughter has turned into a monster and I don't know how to help her she just says i'm over reacting. All I can see is her throwing her life away, she wanted to be a barrister and could achieve it. As it is she has no money seems to be expecting someone else to support her and appears to have given up on all ambition.
Any advice owuld be useful I;m totaslly out of my depth

[sara3]

have you been to see her? she may feel different when she sees you.

[debs6913]

I haven't I've just left it for the last week to give her a bit of space. Her boyfriends dad rang me and said he had told her she had to go home but she denies all knowledge of the conversation and just hangs up the phone. I work a lot of nights and have 2 other children at home so its not easy to visit her it necessitates a 4 hr journey. Her father just rings me up and accuses me of being a bad parent which adds to the stress

[sara3]

can't her father do something? I mean, apart from being bloody rude and useless?

[DEN53]

Hi debs - have the school got in contact with you about her not being there? How did she meet this boy if he lives 100 miles away? It sounds like you are in contact with the boy's father, which is a good start. If you can keep that line of communication open, at least you will know whats going on. What you don't want to happen, is the boy's father throwing them both out. At the moment at least she is safe.

The trouble with teenagers Debs, is the more you tell them what you want, the more they rebel - I have one just the same.

I think for the moment, just communicate with the boy's Dad, let him keep you up to speed on what is happening.
When she has cooled down, then try to speak to her again. Perhaps suggest both her and the boyfriend could come and visit you - no pressure - just a visit .

I know its hard debs, but try and keep your cool - the more you question her and bring up her future career, the more she will back away.

When my son gives me grief - I totally ignore him - it works every time.

Lets us know what happens debs - I am sure this will all blow over.

As for your ex - when he rings, just put the phone down on him, don't waste your time and energy.

You sound a lovely Mum and I am sure your daughter knows this, but at the moment she is in love and all reason goes out of the window.

love Denise xx

[debs6913]

I believe her father to be the root of the problem. He sends her the most awful texts. He got married again recently and since then she seems to have rebelled against me.

[proudmary]

Hi Debs, my heart goes ou t to you, having been in the same situation all I can suggest is that you text her, tell her you love her and that you will be there for her if she needs you. I would then text once a week to say hello and let her know what's happening at home and that it would be nice to hear from her when she can text and maybe put some credit on her mobile for her? You are not a bad mother, your little girl is growing up and being rebellious you just need to hang in there however hard it is and know that underneath all her brevado she knows you love her.

[grasscarp]

I am sorry to hear of what has happened. I just wanted to let you know that at about the same age my elder daughter was so impossible that she had to live somewhere else for a while. It was very distressing for both of us at the time. I dont even remember how it got resolved in the end but we are now the best of friends and she is now a barrister.

[debs6913]

Thanks for the support I just feel such a failure as a parent. I can see the attraction we live in a small village with no public transport, he lives in the middle of Liverpool, but they are too young to be taking this step. His father has made it clear he thinks she should go home but wont throw her out. Her father refuses to offer any support.
I just wish she would speak to me about it. she says all 16yr olds move out although she doesn't actually know any who have. The hardest part is her not talking to me. They plan on getting a flat at the end of the month and she says she can get a job and go to college there but she is living in a fantasy land. I dont want her to get hurt but she acts like her family are surplus to requirements.

[ummmm]

I left home at 13.....I learnt a lot before hand. Mum was a good Mum (until then) Dad was a good Dad (always) I never lost my morals, my manners or my respect for elders. You sound like a good Mum....she won't forget what you have taught her. Just be there for her when things go t!ts up.....My Mum wasn't..

[debs6913]

Thanks ummm it helps to talk to people who have actually taken this step. She knows she is loved and wanted but for some reason tells people she has been thrown out!!!!She will always have a home here when she wants it

[ummmm]

That's because she doesn't want to come across as a spoilt brat...which means she knows damn well that she's playing up...which proves she knows what she's doing but has gone too far to admit it.

Stay patient....she will (hopefully) figure that the grass isn't greener.

(My grass was greener but that had nothing to do with my Mum)

Don't beg her home though...that will give her the upper hand. Just make sure she knows that she is welcome back when and if she needs to. You are in charge though xxx

[debs6913]

You sound like you've really got your head screwed on. I'm glad its worked for you. Patience has never been my strong point and she knows exactly which buttons to press. thanks

[ummmm]

Patience...I am very bad at it.

Although my life was a bit mish mash I have always been loved. I have a big family circle (and grew up in a pub) as long as someone knows they are loved they gain some confidence....hopefully both of you will be fine...if all goes t!ts up...just be there xxnmcd

Debs....you have done your duty...don't beat yourself up. She will come to her senses....in the end..

[Whoever]

It seems to me that the boyfriend's father is key in this business. You and he are obviously in touch with each other, and I'm surprised that if he feels uncomfortable with the situation, he is allowing his son to decide the rules of the house. Talk to his father again, tell him of your concerns about her education being wrecked and the possibility of her becoming pregnant, and ask him to exert his authority and tell your daughter to leave. If you and he work together, jointly fix a date for her leaving after Christmas, when her bags must be packed, and she must leave. . Arrange to go and collect her. You don't say whether the boyfriend is working, but I doubt whether he has sufficient money to support your daughter if they both have to move out, so the financial realities will eventually dawn on them. Tell them that you have no objection to their friendship continuing, but if they are planning a long term future together, they have to prove to everybody that they are mature and competent enough to be able to financially support themselves, rather than relying on parents to fund them..