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How should we respond to our lesbian daughter?
93 Answers
Our twenty-five year old daughter announced last year that her roomate that shared her flat was "more" than just a roomate.
She lives in London and we live in Wolverhampton. We were shocked and disgusted. She has dated men before and even came close to being engaged once. We told her we would always love her no matter what, but we could never accept her lifestyle.
Until now, when she comes home to visit, she has always come alone, and has only told one of her siblings about her lesbainism. Two days ago, she left a message saying she wanted to come to visit next week with her partner, and would stay in a hotel.
My husband and I are torn, our minds say to love our daughter regardless of her preferences. Our hearts tell us we don't want anything to do with her or this other girl, nor do we want our 17, 15, and 8 year old girls to see this immoral relationship, and worry they may view our meeting this girl as some kind of sick acceptance.
Any help out there as far as ideas go? We are very upset and confused!
She lives in London and we live in Wolverhampton. We were shocked and disgusted. She has dated men before and even came close to being engaged once. We told her we would always love her no matter what, but we could never accept her lifestyle.
Until now, when she comes home to visit, she has always come alone, and has only told one of her siblings about her lesbainism. Two days ago, she left a message saying she wanted to come to visit next week with her partner, and would stay in a hotel.
My husband and I are torn, our minds say to love our daughter regardless of her preferences. Our hearts tell us we don't want anything to do with her or this other girl, nor do we want our 17, 15, and 8 year old girls to see this immoral relationship, and worry they may view our meeting this girl as some kind of sick acceptance.
Any help out there as far as ideas go? We are very upset and confused!
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It will be difficult for anyone to give you solace or advice over your dilemma, as you have already nailed your colours so firmly to your mast...........
Your 17 year-old will know lesbians already, although neither she nor they will necessarily realise this at the moment; the same is true for your 15 and 8-year old. This is because lesbians are actually human beings, too.
Love is not love unless it can be demonstrated as being such.....how is your daughter to fully appreciate that you love her if you wish to reject everything that she holds dear ?
I suggest that you thank God that she still comes home to visit you despite your disapproval. Her decision to come 'home (?)' albeit leaving her partner to kick her heels in an anonymous hotel room, speaks more of compassion for your feelings than you seem willing to give to hers..........
Invite your daughters girlfriend to lunch on Sunday. I doubt that they will behave in a way that will embarrass either you, her sisters or themselves.
Your 17 year-old will know lesbians already, although neither she nor they will necessarily realise this at the moment; the same is true for your 15 and 8-year old. This is because lesbians are actually human beings, too.
Love is not love unless it can be demonstrated as being such.....how is your daughter to fully appreciate that you love her if you wish to reject everything that she holds dear ?
I suggest that you thank God that she still comes home to visit you despite your disapproval. Her decision to come 'home (?)' albeit leaving her partner to kick her heels in an anonymous hotel room, speaks more of compassion for your feelings than you seem willing to give to hers..........
Invite your daughters girlfriend to lunch on Sunday. I doubt that they will behave in a way that will embarrass either you, her sisters or themselves.
i think its quite sad that you are willing to shut your daughter out because of a lifestyle she has no control over.
It sounds as if she is sensible, shes not rubbing your noses in it, shes offered to stay in a hotel so you dont have to feel uncomfortable with her and her girlfriend in the home.
I hope you can find a compromise or you may find that you not only lose a daughter but also the respect of your other daughters who will feel that you cannot accept them for what they may be.
It sounds as if she is sensible, shes not rubbing your noses in it, shes offered to stay in a hotel so you dont have to feel uncomfortable with her and her girlfriend in the home.
I hope you can find a compromise or you may find that you not only lose a daughter but also the respect of your other daughters who will feel that you cannot accept them for what they may be.
I agree that your daughter sounds very mature and sensitive to your feelings, despite how much it probably hurts her.
Your younger daughters will not become lesbians just by meeting one, they either are or they aren't and nothing your daughter or her partner does will influence them in that way.
If you really love your daughter get over your prejudices and accept her and the woman she loves. If you can't do this you will eventually lose her forever as she will get tired of always making compromises for you.
Your younger daughters will not become lesbians just by meeting one, they either are or they aren't and nothing your daughter or her partner does will influence them in that way.
If you really love your daughter get over your prejudices and accept her and the woman she loves. If you can't do this you will eventually lose her forever as she will get tired of always making compromises for you.
i can understand the 'shock' at your daughters relationship - but exactly what do you find disgusting & immoral?
love is a wonderful thing - but i feel as though your missing this point and concentrating too much on the sexual side of their relationship. however, their sexual acts will be no different from that of a man and woman. they will be doing exactly the same things in the bedroom.
as long as its not going on under your nose, i dont see that there is a problem, i hope your 15 & 17 year olds are a bit more accepting.
i wish you all the best regardless.
xxx
love is a wonderful thing - but i feel as though your missing this point and concentrating too much on the sexual side of their relationship. however, their sexual acts will be no different from that of a man and woman. they will be doing exactly the same things in the bedroom.
as long as its not going on under your nose, i dont see that there is a problem, i hope your 15 & 17 year olds are a bit more accepting.
i wish you all the best regardless.
xxx
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I have to agree with the other posters here. Your daughter really wants to see you and wants you to meet the person she loves and is showing respect for you by not asking to stay with her partner in your house.
What do you find so disgusting? It's not as if they'll be doing anything sexual in front of you. I'm sure your daughter wouldn't want to see what you and your husband get up to in your private bedroom.
You have to make a decision. Your daughter is in a loving relationship. That's all that matters. She may have dated men before, but perhaps they were all horrible people. She may have dated them and got engaged because she wanted to please you.
There are terrible things your daughter could be doing. She could be a member of the BNP. She could be a heroin addict. She could never want to come and see you again. She could be sleeping around. Surely demonstrating being in a loving relationship is a good thing to show your other daughters, rather than any number of terrible things she could influence them with.
Please get over your completely archaic views before you lose a daughter.
What do you find so disgusting? It's not as if they'll be doing anything sexual in front of you. I'm sure your daughter wouldn't want to see what you and your husband get up to in your private bedroom.
You have to make a decision. Your daughter is in a loving relationship. That's all that matters. She may have dated men before, but perhaps they were all horrible people. She may have dated them and got engaged because she wanted to please you.
There are terrible things your daughter could be doing. She could be a member of the BNP. She could be a heroin addict. She could never want to come and see you again. She could be sleeping around. Surely demonstrating being in a loving relationship is a good thing to show your other daughters, rather than any number of terrible things she could influence them with.
Please get over your completely archaic views before you lose a daughter.
Your Daughter obviously loves and respects you as her family, so I feel she ought to have that returned. She has been honest and upfront with you and your Husband and that takes a lot of guts.
You may find that you actually like this girl she is bringing home!
If your daughter is happy, then that is all that matters. Society is much more accepting now.
Hope you all have a really nice weekend.
You may find that you actually like this girl she is bringing home!
If your daughter is happy, then that is all that matters. Society is much more accepting now.
Hope you all have a really nice weekend.
About ten years ago, a childhood friend of mine asked me if he could visit with me. I hadn�t seen him in several years and I was looking forward to catching up. We had been friends for over 20 years. But as with many people who are caught up in raising a family, serving in ones profession, etc., it�s often difficult to keep up with your friends.
My son and daughter rode with us to the supermarket. We were going to barbeque on this warm summer�s day. During the ride over we chatted about everything under the sun. And it reminded me of how much I had missed chatting to my friend.
I still remember it so vividly � we were standing in the cold section of the market. I think I was fishing out cuts of meat. My children, as usual, were discussing the merits of Chocolate Chocolate-Chip vs Pralines and Cream. As I flipped a packet of ribs into the trolly, Bob looked at me and quietly said �Bill, I�m a homosexual.� I was surprised by two things. Never in my life would I have guessed. Never. And, I was temporarily caught by the word he used �homosexual,� rather than the more common euphemism we more often hear �gay.�
I didn�t say anything as I pushed the trolley along towards the next aisle. As we reached the bottled fizzy drinks, I pulled down a couple of bottles of coke and turned to Bob. I still had on my dog collar and if I�m brutally honest, for reasons I can�t explain, I felt as if people were watching me. Of course, they weren�t. I looked at Bob. He had a pained look on his face. I would equate his expression as one of fear. �Bob,� I spoke, because you�ve been so honest with me, I feel there�s something I must tell you as a friend.� He looked at me with such a pained expression. �Bob, I�ve been wanting to share this with you for a long time.� I paused for a second. �Bob, I have green eyes.�
Continued:
My son and daughter rode with us to the supermarket. We were going to barbeque on this warm summer�s day. During the ride over we chatted about everything under the sun. And it reminded me of how much I had missed chatting to my friend.
I still remember it so vividly � we were standing in the cold section of the market. I think I was fishing out cuts of meat. My children, as usual, were discussing the merits of Chocolate Chocolate-Chip vs Pralines and Cream. As I flipped a packet of ribs into the trolly, Bob looked at me and quietly said �Bill, I�m a homosexual.� I was surprised by two things. Never in my life would I have guessed. Never. And, I was temporarily caught by the word he used �homosexual,� rather than the more common euphemism we more often hear �gay.�
I didn�t say anything as I pushed the trolley along towards the next aisle. As we reached the bottled fizzy drinks, I pulled down a couple of bottles of coke and turned to Bob. I still had on my dog collar and if I�m brutally honest, for reasons I can�t explain, I felt as if people were watching me. Of course, they weren�t. I looked at Bob. He had a pained look on his face. I would equate his expression as one of fear. �Bob,� I spoke, because you�ve been so honest with me, I feel there�s something I must tell you as a friend.� He looked at me with such a pained expression. �Bob, I�ve been wanting to share this with you for a long time.� I paused for a second. �Bob, I have green eyes.�
Continued:
Part 2
He stared at me for a moment, then tears welled up in his eyes. I pushed the trolley further down the aisle to pick up some ginger ale. My children caught up with me at that time. I never said any more to Bob about this. And he never mentioned it again to me. However, about two years ago, he phoned me to see how we were all doing. In that conversation he asked me if I remembered our conversation in the supermarket. I told him I did. He thanked me. He told me it was the most difficult thing he had ever done � telling me. He was afraid I would condemn him, ridicule him, and perhaps worst of all, refuse to ever speak with him again.
From what you�ve shared with us, I feel your daughter has made an honourable attempt to say who she is, this despite the fact she knew it would be an affront to your personal values, or morals or social beliefs. Her willingness to do so is an unimaginable tribute to her love for you.
I have five words that I find myself reciting at the very least once a day, and occasionally several times a day: I am not a judge.
My role is to serve. My role is to guide, to help, to lead. In some ways, it is just like being a parent. And as a parent, it is an honour to have this responsibility. But under no circumstances is my role to judge. That belongs to a much higher authority.
In addition to children who are HIV positive and victims of AIDS, I work with a number of Heroin addicts. Again, I am not a judge. I know the journeys of many. In light of what they�ve endured, I�m not certain I would be in much better condition had their circumstances happened to me.
I respect your daughter�s right to be who she is, just as much as I respect yours. This does not mean we either endorse or condemn her lifestyle choice. But I must repeat: I am not a judge. Nor do I have all the answers when it comes to this facet of the science of human relationships. And
He stared at me for a moment, then tears welled up in his eyes. I pushed the trolley further down the aisle to pick up some ginger ale. My children caught up with me at that time. I never said any more to Bob about this. And he never mentioned it again to me. However, about two years ago, he phoned me to see how we were all doing. In that conversation he asked me if I remembered our conversation in the supermarket. I told him I did. He thanked me. He told me it was the most difficult thing he had ever done � telling me. He was afraid I would condemn him, ridicule him, and perhaps worst of all, refuse to ever speak with him again.
From what you�ve shared with us, I feel your daughter has made an honourable attempt to say who she is, this despite the fact she knew it would be an affront to your personal values, or morals or social beliefs. Her willingness to do so is an unimaginable tribute to her love for you.
I have five words that I find myself reciting at the very least once a day, and occasionally several times a day: I am not a judge.
My role is to serve. My role is to guide, to help, to lead. In some ways, it is just like being a parent. And as a parent, it is an honour to have this responsibility. But under no circumstances is my role to judge. That belongs to a much higher authority.
In addition to children who are HIV positive and victims of AIDS, I work with a number of Heroin addicts. Again, I am not a judge. I know the journeys of many. In light of what they�ve endured, I�m not certain I would be in much better condition had their circumstances happened to me.
I respect your daughter�s right to be who she is, just as much as I respect yours. This does not mean we either endorse or condemn her lifestyle choice. But I must repeat: I am not a judge. Nor do I have all the answers when it comes to this facet of the science of human relationships. And
Part 3
again, I remind myself that I am not a judge.
What I�m saddened in feeling is that all these opportunities you�ve had to bond with your daughter, to grow, and to celebrate her accomplishments, are being caught up in an issue that as a young adult, she has chosen to make.
I stand at the graveside too often, where people are saying �I wish.� We have but a short time on this planet. If it were me, I would be welcoming my daughter into my arms and I would equally welcome anyone whom she loves.
Failing to do this, you may discover that the winter of your lives become much colder.
I wish you peace
Fr Bill
again, I remind myself that I am not a judge.
What I�m saddened in feeling is that all these opportunities you�ve had to bond with your daughter, to grow, and to celebrate her accomplishments, are being caught up in an issue that as a young adult, she has chosen to make.
I stand at the graveside too often, where people are saying �I wish.� We have but a short time on this planet. If it were me, I would be welcoming my daughter into my arms and I would equally welcome anyone whom she loves.
Failing to do this, you may discover that the winter of your lives become much colder.
I wish you peace
Fr Bill
I too would be saddened and shocked if my daughter came with the same news and I feel for you, but I have to agree with village vicar.... We only have one life and we cannot and should not waste it. You love your daughter and she clearly loves you. Try all you can to accept her new chosen life, as hard a it will be - you both will suffer if you don't. A daughter needs her mother and a mother is lost without her daughter and you will both only have sadness ahead of you. You will suprise yourself and learn to accept it if you concentrate on what is really important.
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I don't mean to be harsh here but have you checked the calendar - it's 2007! Younger generations are more open to people of the same sex having relationships, I wouldn't bat an eyelid. And in fact someone in my family lived with someone for six years who was the same sex and we was all very welcoming - the person was nice and made them happy and that's all that mattered.
Your poor daughter, she has probabaly been fighting feelings and fretting and plucking up the courage to tell you for ages and you're willing to not have anything to do with her, simply because she doesn't conform to your ideal! Ridiciulous - the girl is your flesh and blood - you should love and support her - so many people have terrible relationships or non at all and this child of yours has told you something which may have been burdening her for ages because she loves you and doesn't want to live a lie. Many younger people wouldn't even visit their parents, so you should be really proud that she loves her family and wants to introduce the girlfriend to you - and she's obviously thought it through because she's staying at a hotel to not make things awkward.
I understand for the 8 year old it may be confusing - but all you have to say is (and you can say it to the other 1 if it makes you happier) that they're good friends and if it gets really serious let the 8 year old know when they get older.
Would you prefer her to live a lie to make you happy and to accept her?
I understand this may of come as a shock but please read your post - 'sick acceptance' - she's not killed anybody!
Your poor daughter, she has probabaly been fighting feelings and fretting and plucking up the courage to tell you for ages and you're willing to not have anything to do with her, simply because she doesn't conform to your ideal! Ridiciulous - the girl is your flesh and blood - you should love and support her - so many people have terrible relationships or non at all and this child of yours has told you something which may have been burdening her for ages because she loves you and doesn't want to live a lie. Many younger people wouldn't even visit their parents, so you should be really proud that she loves her family and wants to introduce the girlfriend to you - and she's obviously thought it through because she's staying at a hotel to not make things awkward.
I understand for the 8 year old it may be confusing - but all you have to say is (and you can say it to the other 1 if it makes you happier) that they're good friends and if it gets really serious let the 8 year old know when they get older.
Would you prefer her to live a lie to make you happy and to accept her?
I understand this may of come as a shock but please read your post - 'sick acceptance' - she's not killed anybody!
Thank you for your answers. Especially you Village Vicar, you sound like a very compassionate man.
jackthehat I take exception to the suggestion that my daughters already know lesbians - they most certainly do not!!
My husband has been really affected by this, in fact he has been unable to digest a decent meal since we heard the news. We worked so hard to instill a good set of values in our children and now we just cannot understand where we went wrong.
I suppose she is our daughter regardless of how she chooses to live her life, but her partner shall never darken our doorway.
jackthehat I take exception to the suggestion that my daughters already know lesbians - they most certainly do not!!
My husband has been really affected by this, in fact he has been unable to digest a decent meal since we heard the news. We worked so hard to instill a good set of values in our children and now we just cannot understand where we went wrong.
I suppose she is our daughter regardless of how she chooses to live her life, but her partner shall never darken our doorway.
Philanthro! I undersand you may be shocked if daughter has always had boyfriends but I just don't agree with your attitude. Have you lived in a cupboard all of your life?!! "Where we went wrong"...the only thing you're doing wrongly is not accepting your daughter for whom she is, the girl is your flesh and blood!....Unless your other children have been cupboarded up with you then they probabaly do know of lesbians but have probabaly seen your freaked attitude so for a quiet life are saying nothing!
If your husband isn't able to digest a proper meal, I've just seen an advert for danone activia - meant to help.
If your husband isn't able to digest a proper meal, I've just seen an advert for danone activia - meant to help.
So, your younger daughters know no other female children, then ?
Because, if you had bothered to read my message completely, you would have noticed that I was making the point that there will be people your daughters know now (possibly the same age, even) who will ultimately turn out to be gay.
Oh, and by the way, "we can all think of one lesbian they already know, can't we children ?"............or are you too busy thinking about your poor, poor husbands digestive system than to really consider your eldest child ?
I hope your eldest daughter finds it in her heart to reject you and your self-centred ramblings woman...........'never darken our door' pah !
'Poor me, poor me..where did I go wrong ? bleat, bleat'.....This is actually about you, isn't it ? Your daughter obviously craves the demonstration of the love and attention of a good woman............and that's certainly NOT YOU, is it ?
Because, if you had bothered to read my message completely, you would have noticed that I was making the point that there will be people your daughters know now (possibly the same age, even) who will ultimately turn out to be gay.
Oh, and by the way, "we can all think of one lesbian they already know, can't we children ?"............or are you too busy thinking about your poor, poor husbands digestive system than to really consider your eldest child ?
I hope your eldest daughter finds it in her heart to reject you and your self-centred ramblings woman...........'never darken our door' pah !
'Poor me, poor me..where did I go wrong ? bleat, bleat'.....This is actually about you, isn't it ? Your daughter obviously craves the demonstration of the love and attention of a good woman............and that's certainly NOT YOU, is it ?
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