Domestic Abuse

[specialmum]

were do I start? I need some help. I have been with my husband for 15 years and married for 13 of them. For many of them he has had a female friend I didn't like. I asked him not to have any contact with her. He said yes he would do this. I found a text from her to him last year and it turned out they had been texting. Why am i telling you this, well this is were things started to go wrong. He started checking my phone, wanting to know were I was and who i was with. He also keep having a go at me about friends until I stop seeing them. We kept arguing all the time and in the end I couldn't take anymore so I left. When I left he started to see with person. After a bit we got back together. He said he was sorry about the arguing and the hurt he coursed seeing this women. Then at the beginning of this year we started arguing about this women, but this time he pushed me and I hit the bed and he held me down. I didn't call the police and we tried to sort it out. But this weekend he attacked me again he tried to strangle me and pin me down. I went to the police this time and he has been charged. The thing is I can't stop crying and feeling like I'm on my own, yes I have a friend but she has her own life. I don't have much contact with my family so they can't help. I can't concentrate at work and I feel it is all my fault, because if I hadn't left last year none of this would of happened. I feel up set all the time, I can't sleep and all I want to do is end it all. I don't know were to turn. I love and miss him, is this so wrong? He is due in court next week and I want to go, I want to talk to him but know I can't. He is all I have. I don't know what to. I don't think I could cope if he is sent down as we have a child and it will be hard on him to. Please I need help

[Babz]

I'm really sorry for the situation you're in and I can't give you any advice from experience as I was lucky with my husband, though unlucky he died relatively young, but I just wanted to say that I don't think a man who is rough with a woman like your husband has been with you will ever change, we hear of it time and time again where he usually becomes more controlling and cruel rather than less, despite repeated promises to change. It's not the end of the world to be without a husband, far preferable to being subject to violence and far safer for your son and his future partner because I think that children who experience domestic abuse sometimes grow up to think that is the way of relationships and so it all starts again. I hope things work out for you, good luck, be strong.

[VHG]

>>>For many of them he has had a female friend I didn't like. I asked him not to have any contact with her.

If she was just a friend then why did you tell him to stop seeing her.

Of course there is no justification for his behaviour, but he may feel you have no right to tell him who he can and cant have as a friend (if indeed she was just a "friend").

[Barmaid]

Right, stop right now. Please stop feeling he is all you have. He isn't.

1. You have a child
2. You have self respect.

Please read back your question. You include the words "domestic abuse", "he tried to strangle me" "pin me down". You are not alone.

Please call these people for some support and advice

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/

You will cope if he is sent down, because you and your child will have a life away from his violence. Please seek advice.

[Orderlimit]

Hi Specialmum

You have done the right thing by involving the police, it shows these 'types', that you are not alone, you can call for help and that help with respond with positive and robust action. Do as Barmaid states and contact Womans Aid, as soon as you are able to.

(PS Change Domestic Abuse to Domestic Violence).

[Orderlimit]

"you can call for help and that help WILL* respond with positive and robust action.

[New Judge]

Could not agree more with Barmaid.

Statistics show that he will, in all probability, get worse. Once a person embarks on a course of DV they rarely stop. Each time you "forgive" him he will go a little further on the next occasion. If you have not already parted from him make sure you do so asap. Keep in touch with the CPS and if you are not required to testify against him make sure that the prosecutor seeks a restraining order keeping him away from you and your daughter (this can be sought even if he is not convicted).

You do not deserve to be assaulted by this man and if you stay with him he will almost certainly continue to use violence against you and you may end up seriously hurt.

[Maydup]

When you need to make a decision it sometimes helps to see the best course of action menioned more than once; so don't hesitate an longer but call Womens Aid. The are some of the kindess more supportive people you can meet.

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/

[specialmum]

thank you Barmaid for the link I am going to look at it. I am going to count next week to get the restraining order in place. He is not living with us due to his police bail conditions.

VHG, i don't know if you have ever had a feeling that when you meet someone you think they want more from the person you love, well when I meet her I have this feeling. It turned out to be true.

After adding this question I cried a lot for many hours, and I started to think I've done the wrong thing, and wanted him back. As they say you can't help who you fall in love with.

Thank you to everyone for all you help and support, it may only be a post but knowing that there are people out there that takes the time out of their life's to answer means the world.

[anneasquith]

good luck. be strong .

[specialmum]

I don't feel very strong at all anneasquith

[anneasquith]

im sure you dont. i think womens aid have a 24 hour telephone service, why not give them a ring, sometimes its easy to talk to someone who has been in your position, keep us posted, take care, anne

[EDDIE51]

Womans aid 24 hour help line here
http://www.womensaid.org.uk/landing_page.asp?section=000100010018
Phone them even if just for a friendly chat, they are VERY good.

[joko]

i agree you are best out of it.

though just a comment on your story - you forced him to cut all conta t with a friend he'd known for years, for no real reason, you just didnt like her, thrn you startd checking his phonr.
that was accepetable behaviour to you.
then he starts trying to stop you seeing sone of your friends because he doesnt like them, an checking up on you an checking your phone ...
and you didnt like it and left ...

do you think he was doing that to make a point?

[Canary42]

But still no reason for violence. This episode has shown him in his true colours so just as well it occurred, regardless of whose "fault" it was. (not a criticism of you or your post, joko)

Best of luck specialmum, from yet another supporter.

[joko]

oh dont misunderstand me, i was not suggesting specialmum deserves this or anything of the sort - nothing deserves violence and as you say hes shown his true colours and SM is better without him

i was just noting that you cannot be so controlling and demanding of a person, then throw a fit when they turn the tables, and be seemingly oblivious to the hypocrisy of that ... and that perhaps SM should bear that in mind with her next BF.

[specialmum]

I only say about last year because that is when he changed for the worst. for years he keep any eye on me. I was not aloud to go out with out him. He would take me to work and pick me up again, ring me at work to make sure I was there. He wouldn't let me see any friends or family without him. If I had a male friend at work he would make so much of a fuss and say I was sleeping with them that in the end I would have to stop talking to them.
I have started to write a diary about how I feel. This is helping me to understanding me and what has happened. thank you everyone