Death of a much loved Grandmother

[kilkenny]

My mother died a month ago. She had been seriously ill and we were expecting at some stage a slow decline. As it happened my mother had a massive stroke and died within a matter of hours.

My children - 10 andd 13 - were upset but accepted that this was probably for the best and seemed to cope well with the funeral and burial.

In the last week or so I have found my children, separately and together, crying in what I can only describe as floods of tears. This can happen at the dinner table, in front of TV or when they are alone.

I do not now what to say or do. I want to cry myself as I miss my mum but I do not want to upset them anymore than they are already.

Any comments are welcome - please!

[smudge]

I'm so sorry to hear about your Mother kilkenny.

Our two daughters still cry at losing their Grandparents in '94 & '96. They remember the happy times together & still miss them.

Maybe this link will help you & your children.

http://us.pampers.com/en_US/learning.do?page=tpc_article_details&topicId=207&contentId=7105

[smudge]

If you search on Google, there are lots of other websites on bereavement, which could help your situation..

[Bonzo 2000]

What a sad situation.  I think its only natural for the kids' grief to extend well beyond the funeral and burial - its a sign of the affection they felt for your mum.  I suggest that you speak to them about this and let them know that its OK to feel sad this way.  Focus on the good memories they have. I also think you shouldnt try too hard to stifle your feelings around them - some bonding will inevitably result from a communal family cry-in. If they see you feel similarly tearful, you can all support each other as a family.  Its a good sign if they seem to have coped with the initial funeral, but they should learn that the grieving will not stop as soon as the funeral is over.  I hope you will all feel better as time heals and you can all share happy memories of your mum.  Good luck

[GracieC]

My gran died when i was 13. I still remember it all very vividly as it was my first experience of someone close to me dying. She was a lovely woman and I was very upset. However, I come from a family who finds it difficult to express their feelings/emotions and so I ended up bottling a lot of it up and crying on my own and at random times. From that I would say that it's much better to give your kids a big hug and (if they want to) have a chat about your mum/their grandma openly if you see them crying even if you end up in tears yourself. I think dealing with death can be very isolating for children as it's a rather "adult" subject and I know at 13 I felt that I was dealing with my grief on my own because I didn't want to burden my mum. Perhaps your children feel the same. Perhaps they don't want you to see them upset because they don't want to set you off too. Let them know it's ok to cry and don't be afraid to talk to them about it. It will help you too! xxxx

[Robinia]

 I'm so sorry about your mum.  Maybe the reality that gran won't be around anymore has only just hit your children.  I'm very much like that myself.  You know that someone has died but part of you still feels that they'll come back again. I agree with GracieC about bottling things up. It's a good thing that they are letting their feelings out but don't worry if they see you crying too.  One day the tears will ease to become happier memories, but it all takes time. x

[hopalong]

Sorry for your loss Killkenny.  I know how you feel as I lost my mum very suddenly last November. 

It may be possible, Killkenny, that due to the sudden death of your mum due to a stroke that your children may be frightened that it may happen to their own parents.   If that is the case then all you can do is reassure them.

good luck

[smee.tracey]

My sincere sympathies to you and your family.

I too lost my grandmother when I was 13 and remember feeling I had to hide away to grieve. I never got the physical support (hugs, crying etc) I desperately needed. When my own daughter died 5 years ago I again felt very alone. It was only a couple of years ago when watching a tv programme at my parents house that suddenly memories of my daughter became too much to bear and I broke down. My mother threw her arms around me, cried with me and admitted she wished she's done it when I was a child. She too had wanted to share her grief with me but didn't want to upset me.

I don't in any way want to tell you what to do, only you can decide but I decided when my daughter died that my son (her twin) would grow up knowing about his sister. I have always talked about her and tonight, quite out of the blue he mentioned her and said he missed her and wished she was here. We had a hug, talked and looked at photos. It was only 5 minutes but he, and I, felt better for it.

Good luck with whatever you feel is right for your family

[twiglet4frog]

they are probably confused as well as missing her.

My advice would be to talk them through it and try hard to answer any questions they have no matter how hard as simply as possible making them understand in some way that sad as it is that it is ok. Best to just get them through the initial shock and to make it clearer in there heads what they need to clear up so that they can deal with it themselves, I dont think it matters too much about details as they will learn more about death and illness etc as they get older. Just do your best to make it more comfortable for them, maybe look at old photos and talk about funny stories that your mum used to do when she was alive, and if u shed a tear for your mum then put a smile to the tears so they know it isnt always bad to cry, but sometimes good. And give loads of reassurances and cuddles as well. But also try to get them back to a normal routine and a busy one so that time can heal the hurt. They probably feel that everything is so up and down and in limbo they cant settle.

As for u, make sure u get some time for yourself and have a good sob. U need to grief as well and bottling it up for the kids will only make it come out of u in a years time with vengance. So put yourself first as well!

[mystress]

kilkenny,I really do feel for you, and the children at this time.I cannot hug you in person,so I am sending a "cyber hug".Please let your children show you how to grieve.If you cry with them they will understand that you hurt too, something that may not be apparent to them  ;this will not upset them any more than they are at the moment.By being"strong" you may make them feel that they are weak,not nice for children of this age.Grieving as a family can not only help to get over the bereavement,but can bind you together.As someone else has said, children get scared when ANYONE in their family dies,try(if possible) and talk about what happened, and try and reassure them that you will be there for them.Children often don't really know what to do when someone dies,after all it's difficult enough for us adults! As someone else has said, don't shut the memories of your Mum away(I lost my Mum to a heart attack when I was 24,and she was 63!) So I know how a sudden death can be shattering.

Talk to your children about how they are feeling,yes this may cause lots of tears(from you all) but tears are natures way of healing wounds;and you may be amazed how resilient your kids are.

You CAN do this together.

 If you need any more help/support,just post,because we are ALL here for you(and the kids).

[cherrybomb]

My Dad died in February and my 12yr old daughter coped well. I let her decide about attending the funeral. She wanted to go and I am glad she did but hopalong may be right because since then she often ask's if I am feeling okay or have I got a tight chest and 42 isn't that old is is mum, are you ill?   She even worries about my eyesight when I can't read tiny print.

I just tell her that nobody knows what will happen in the future but today I feel fine and then try to change the subject.

[spangle111]

Mystress is right kilkenny your children are trying to be brave because you are, if you grieve together and talk things through - all the bad feelings will eventually fade and you'll find yourself talking and laughing about all the good times - Our thoughts are with you lol x

[kilkenny]

Thank you all. The words of comfort are most welcome as are the words of advice.

Yes on reflection my attempts to be "brave" are probably backfiring somewhat and instead of being suppotive as was intended the opposite is happening. Time to loosen up a bit I think.

Once again thank you all.

I still miss my mum though even though I am in my 45th year.

[mystress]

kilkenny,

You never will stop missing her (but it changes to different type of missing).

As someone once said,as long as people are alive in our hearts and memories,they are never really truly gone from us.

[doreen steel]

why dont you cry with them so that they realise its okay to cry if they dont see you crying they will think that its wrong and theyll be worried about upsetting you which you dont want everybody hurts and sharing things and memories is a great thing and remembering the people who we have lost is important so talk to them and laugh as well i lost my mum three years ago  and i can still cry so can my boys but we also have a good laugh about their gran and the things she used to say im sorry for your loss but keep your chin up

[kilkenny]

All the kind and supportive words mean a lot to me. I have opened up with my children and this morning my daughter asked me "are you still upset dad because you have not cried since the funeral." I explained that I was and that I had been upset in private and I have to say at that point it all came out. I was amazed at how understanding my daughter was.

Interestingly, and some of you touched on this, my daughter intimated that they were being brave for me and thought seeing them cry would upset me too much. 

I have arranged with my wife that  this weekend we are going away for a quiet weekend in a farmhouse to be together as a family. No outside influences of any kind so that we can just gel and say what is on our minds. In the midst of all this I had not considered just how this had impacted on my wife. She has been supportive throughout but yesterday outlied how my Mother's death had made her feel. Sometimes we take those close to us too much for granted

Thank you all

[Robinia]

It's lovely that you are now sharing your feelings kilkenny it will help you all so much.  I was brought up in a family where you just soldiered on & didn't show emotion & you didn't talk about it.  I now know that it's not the best way to be, well not for me certainly.

Wishing you a peaceful weekend with your family. x

[smudge]

Further to my first post - I still miss both my Mum & Dad so much & often have a cry. I don't think you ever get over losing someone you love dearly.

Both our daughters have seen me in floods of tears & have also cried with me. I think it's much better to vent your feelings rather than bottle them up. Take care kilkenny.