How Do You Stop Worrying When Waiting...
Body & Soul3 mins ago
Fathers Rights
My boyfriend and I recently split up after having some complications with his ex girlfriend. She is expecting his child, and has told him as long as he is seeing someone else he won't see the baby or have anything to do with it's life once born. She says he won't be named on the birth certificate as long as he is seeing anyone else. This isn't what he wants as he fully accepts responsibility and wants to be a part of his childs life. However, she claims she doesn't want any money from him as long as he is seeing someone else.
As far as we have been told, if his name isn't on the birth certificate, he is only entitled to a parernity test with her permission. Which basically means he has to live by her rules until he is named as the father. Is this right?
I am hoping someone may be able to provide me with some advice on fathers rights and perhaps enlighten me some more on this matter. Surely it isn't right that she has the power to control his life in this way?
If anyone knows any useful websites involving help / advice, I would really appreciate any help. Thanks.
As far as we have been told, if his name isn't on the birth certificate, he is only entitled to a parernity test with her permission. Which basically means he has to live by her rules until he is named as the father. Is this right?
I am hoping someone may be able to provide me with some advice on fathers rights and perhaps enlighten me some more on this matter. Surely it isn't right that she has the power to control his life in this way?
If anyone knows any useful websites involving help / advice, I would really appreciate any help. Thanks.
Answers
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I don't know the circumstances of why your boyfriend is no longer with his pregnant ex, but what an awful situation for him to be in. I do feel sympathy for both parties, but it does sound rather like she wants him back & is using blackmail to do so. I may be totally wrong, but it's so sad when these things happen, because at the end of it is an innocent baby!
I wish you all good luck.
I agree with Smudge. It looks like his ex wants him back. She is blackmailing him emotionally. And I agree also with you, that she should not have this power over him. He is willing to pay towards the childs upkeep and wanting to be involved, so as far as I see it, she is making things very difficult for you both. I wish you lots of luck.
It may not necessarily be that she wants him back, just that she wants everything on her terms and knows if he is involved with someone else she won't get that level of control. It's possible that she is just like this at the moment due to her pregnancy (I went a little weird myself when I was pregnant, still am I think!) and she may calm down. If she feels abandoned she will be hitting out in the only way she knows how - through the unborn baby.
Me and Mr NiceCuppa aren't married, and if he hadn't come with me when we registered our baby he wouldn't have been on the birth certificate and wouldn't automatically have had any paternal rights.
WHat a nitemare. Men have very little rights... she's in a powerful situation. BUT, I do know you do not need her permission for a DNA test. You can order a home kit (try www.genetree.com), take a swab from th ebaby when born (behind her back), and there is nothin illegal about doing this.(costs about �150).
I also know that if your boyfriend doesnt pay, and years down the line she changes her mind, he will be persued for the back payments. Get him to contact the CSA and start paying a minimum amount so he doesnt get hit with a massive bill.
She has 6 weeks to register the childs name. If your boydriend doesnt go with her, he wont be on the certificate. But dont panic. Not being on a birth certificate, means nothing in the eyes of the law. He could still persue a legal access or custody suit. His name can always be added at a later date as well. Go to your registry office and you will find leaflets on all this. The mother of this baby is angry now... she might calm down later and things will settle down.
For the time being however, no, it isnt RIGHT, but she does have the power to control his life in this way. I would treat her with kid gloves if i were him.
GOOD LUCK... you've been put in such an awful situation and all your worried about is your boyfriend. Your so nice, try not to get hurt xx
Hi , you are being ery supportive, he needs that now
go to Famillies need fathers
www.fnf.org.uk for advice.
At the moment it looks pretty bleak
the law in this country is sexist against father abd is totally unjust.
He may have a long and difficult fight on his hands for the next 10-15 yrs. It hurts,it hurts alot but sometimes you just have to take the pain and endure it.
He needs to tke the long view of the situation 10/15yrs.
IMHO she sounds like a total manipulative bitch.
Tis comes from someone who has worked for 20 yrs with womens aid.
You need to consider if you can cope with an ex who will be around for the next 15 yrs barking at him and you. Not a nice scenario but that is what it may be like.
if you can handle that then go for it and support him. Don't let this bitch get in yourway of happiness.
Your BF is torn with paternal feelings but that doesn't mean your relationsip should end. He will need support.
She knows how to twist the knife and is doing it.
We men often need the insight of a women to help us understand what thr frick is going on in such circumstances.
He needs to speak to people who have been in this situation themselves and have group support and advice.
I would suggest he puts a certain amount of money away in a trust fund account ( tracker savings account) in the baby's name when he/she is born then it will be earning tax free interest.
If the mad cow then decides to claim money it will be there, with interest.
I am a divorced father with 5 boys all one marriage. However, my ex of 9 yrs is doing the same with the 3 sons she has residence over despite my shared care because I am in a relationship.
good luck
go to Famillies need fathers
www.fnf.org.uk for advice.
At the moment it looks pretty bleak
the law in this country is sexist against father abd is totally unjust.
He may have a long and difficult fight on his hands for the next 10-15 yrs. It hurts,it hurts alot but sometimes you just have to take the pain and endure it.
He needs to tke the long view of the situation 10/15yrs.
IMHO she sounds like a total manipulative bitch.
Tis comes from someone who has worked for 20 yrs with womens aid.
You need to consider if you can cope with an ex who will be around for the next 15 yrs barking at him and you. Not a nice scenario but that is what it may be like.
if you can handle that then go for it and support him. Don't let this bitch get in yourway of happiness.
Your BF is torn with paternal feelings but that doesn't mean your relationsip should end. He will need support.
She knows how to twist the knife and is doing it.
We men often need the insight of a women to help us understand what thr frick is going on in such circumstances.
He needs to speak to people who have been in this situation themselves and have group support and advice.
I would suggest he puts a certain amount of money away in a trust fund account ( tracker savings account) in the baby's name when he/she is born then it will be earning tax free interest.
If the mad cow then decides to claim money it will be there, with interest.
I am a divorced father with 5 boys all one marriage. However, my ex of 9 yrs is doing the same with the 3 sons she has residence over despite my shared care because I am in a relationship.
good luck
PART ONE
My comments will provoke outrage, but here goes anyway. Why is it that a man thinks he can “be involved with his child’s life” on a part time basis? In the vast majority of cases where a partnership breaks down it is the mother who assumes responsibility for the children’s upbringing. This is sometimes at as a result of court orders, sometimes by mutual agreement, sometimes (as perhaps here) because the mother has imposed her will upon the father, and sometimes because the father has chosen to absent himself.
Of course all children love their Daddy – even if they rarely see him. When they do (provided nothing else more important has cropped up between making the arrangement and keeping it), he takes them to the cinema and treats them to a Big Mac. If they are good he will treat them to a new pair of trainers or a game for their X-Box. Mummy, of course, will have to explain to any other children she may have by other partners, why they cannot be so indulged.
However, Daddy does not make sure they are fed and clothed 365 days per year. He does not get them to school each morning, very often against their will, and sometimes in atrocious weather. He is not disturbed during the night when they are ill, and does not have to take time off work (or more probably interrupt his social arrangements) to take them to the doctor. Paying �20 per week from his pocket money does not absolve him from these responsibilities.
My comments will provoke outrage, but here goes anyway. Why is it that a man thinks he can “be involved with his child’s life” on a part time basis? In the vast majority of cases where a partnership breaks down it is the mother who assumes responsibility for the children’s upbringing. This is sometimes at as a result of court orders, sometimes by mutual agreement, sometimes (as perhaps here) because the mother has imposed her will upon the father, and sometimes because the father has chosen to absent himself.
Of course all children love their Daddy – even if they rarely see him. When they do (provided nothing else more important has cropped up between making the arrangement and keeping it), he takes them to the cinema and treats them to a Big Mac. If they are good he will treat them to a new pair of trainers or a game for their X-Box. Mummy, of course, will have to explain to any other children she may have by other partners, why they cannot be so indulged.
However, Daddy does not make sure they are fed and clothed 365 days per year. He does not get them to school each morning, very often against their will, and sometimes in atrocious weather. He is not disturbed during the night when they are ill, and does not have to take time off work (or more probably interrupt his social arrangements) to take them to the doctor. Paying �20 per week from his pocket money does not absolve him from these responsibilities.
PART TWO
Here’s where the outrage will certainly kick in if it has not already. I believe that when a relationship breaks down one parent or the other should forfeit all “rights” to any involvement in the life of the children. The children will then be left free to develop stable relationships and friendships without being dragged away by a daddy (or, in a very few cases, mummy) eager to exercise his rights whilst having few, if any, of the responsibilities.
And before all the absent fathers get out of their prams, each should ask himself if he would he be happy to have permanent custody of his children. Would he be happy to be consigned to a career limited by the availability of childcare? Would he be happy to be unable to go out unless he arranged a baby-sitter? In short, would he be happy to live his life as the mother of his children has to?
Here’s where the outrage will certainly kick in if it has not already. I believe that when a relationship breaks down one parent or the other should forfeit all “rights” to any involvement in the life of the children. The children will then be left free to develop stable relationships and friendships without being dragged away by a daddy (or, in a very few cases, mummy) eager to exercise his rights whilst having few, if any, of the responsibilities.
And before all the absent fathers get out of their prams, each should ask himself if he would he be happy to have permanent custody of his children. Would he be happy to be consigned to a career limited by the availability of childcare? Would he be happy to be unable to go out unless he arranged a baby-sitter? In short, would he be happy to live his life as the mother of his children has to?
I agree with a lot of what you have written JudgeJ, as my sister was dumped by her fiance years ago & left to pick up the pieces. This was after he'd sworn undying love to her, but then realised he wasn't ready for Fatherhood after all!
She went back to work six weeks after giving birth & never asked a penny from him, nor anyone else! Her son is now 42 years old & has managed all his life without his absent Father.
However, in this case, I don't know the circumstances of why BIRDCAGES's boyfriend is no longer with his pregnant ex. It could be for various reasons, of which may not be solely his fault.
get yourselves to a solicitors and apply to court for a visitation order. Make sure he persues this and puts in 110% worth of effort. As long as he can prove that he is maintaining or wanting regular access to the child, then the court shouldn't have a problem.
If the ex is of this disposition, it is probably best to get it done through the courts now while the baby is too little to understand and therefore be upset by court action. It also keeps everything square and third parties are able to keep a tab on her behaviour.
It is not that expensive, and you may be eligible for legal aid (don't know abou that tho, it's been a while), but apply to the court for the order and also an parental responsibility order too. This means that he has rights to the child that a regular father has. If they were/are unmarried, she can register the baby and leave his name off the cert, making it complicated. If you have parental responsibility, then you can help make decisions for the child and be considered in law with as many rights as a married stay at home with the wifey father....
Long and short: best to chat to a solicitor:
You need: a COntact order and a parental responisbility order.
If the ex is of this disposition, it is probably best to get it done through the courts now while the baby is too little to understand and therefore be upset by court action. It also keeps everything square and third parties are able to keep a tab on her behaviour.
It is not that expensive, and you may be eligible for legal aid (don't know abou that tho, it's been a while), but apply to the court for the order and also an parental responsibility order too. This means that he has rights to the child that a regular father has. If they were/are unmarried, she can register the baby and leave his name off the cert, making it complicated. If you have parental responsibility, then you can help make decisions for the child and be considered in law with as many rights as a married stay at home with the wifey father....
Long and short: best to chat to a solicitor:
You need: a COntact order and a parental responisbility order.
I do however, also agree with the comments that have been made re the other side of the coin. I was that mother when my daughter was born and fought tooth and nail against her bio father having any contact which he did assume was his 'right'. I think your BF needs to really sit down and think why he wants contact with this child. Is it because he thinks it is his right? or maybe that it wouldbe kinda cool? or because he wants to be utterly responsible for his share of the situationin teh first place. Tough questions need to be asked and answered.
I do not however, agree that father's shoudl never have any rights, esp when it is sometimes the mother being just as selfish as the father. sometimes a mother refuses contact just to spite the father or ex partner and then the child misses out on the contact with their heritage.
At the end of the day it is not the father or mother's right that the court cares two hoots about, it is the right of the child to access to both of its parents that the court wants to preserve. They don't care if seeing the ex upsets the mother or vice versa, they are there to protect the right of the child. This is clearly set down in the Children's act. And one I happen to believe in.
I do not however, agree that father's shoudl never have any rights, esp when it is sometimes the mother being just as selfish as the father. sometimes a mother refuses contact just to spite the father or ex partner and then the child misses out on the contact with their heritage.
At the end of the day it is not the father or mother's right that the court cares two hoots about, it is the right of the child to access to both of its parents that the court wants to preserve. They don't care if seeing the ex upsets the mother or vice versa, they are there to protect the right of the child. This is clearly set down in the Children's act. And one I happen to believe in.
Judge J, I am very sorry you are so ignorance of the issues of famillies and fathers who really care and do all the things you say mothers do.
The ability to be a good parent is not defined by gender.
You really need focus on reality, maybe this will help
I have been a better mother and father to all my children
I gave up my carrer to care 24/7 for all of my children whilst their mother was in and out of hospital and after recovery of sorts abandoned them.
I have stood between her and them when she has attempted to cut them up with a carving knife.
When she has torn their hearts out with her words I have been there to hold them and help them heal
it is I who have given one mouth to face resuscitation and brought him back to life . it is I who realised another was in a coma and brought him around when the nurse had ignored him. It has been I who has cared for one which was born with cancer.
I have the full support of their schools, and the statutory and non statutory organisations which have been involved with them over the years and been applauded by the childcare team for excelling despite what they thought were impossible odds. But i am not extraordinary , men yes men do this everyday as well as women.
I would never consider living the life the mother of my children does as I would not subject them to the physical and mental violence she has.
You cannot generalise each case is different and should be assessed as such.
Judge J
I am not angry but sad that there are such people with biggoted and sexist ideals and who do not realise that a childs development is distorted when they do not have the affordance of a mother and a father figure
I am a far better, more whole as a persn because I have brought up my children. Fathers who do not get involved are missing out on the most amazing experience their life has to offer.
I would suggest you have missed out a lot on either good parenting or enjoying your children as a parent or both.
How very sad., I hope its not too late to make ammends
Birdcage do not allow such barren individuals distort your judgement.
It is almost impossiblet for him to be objective, yes he needs to listen to his heart but also to friends and advisors who can view the situation objectively
I am not angry but sad that there are such people with biggoted and sexist ideals and who do not realise that a childs development is distorted when they do not have the affordance of a mother and a father figure
I am a far better, more whole as a persn because I have brought up my children. Fathers who do not get involved are missing out on the most amazing experience their life has to offer.
I would suggest you have missed out a lot on either good parenting or enjoying your children as a parent or both.
How very sad., I hope its not too late to make ammends
Birdcage do not allow such barren individuals distort your judgement.
It is almost impossiblet for him to be objective, yes he needs to listen to his heart but also to friends and advisors who can view the situation objectively
For the majority of you who have given advice and help, thank you greatly for your words of encouragement and support.
For those amongst you who made judgements on any individual involved in this difficult and extremely sensitive problem, I suggest you look back at wmy original post. I didn't ask you to assess my situation and tell me who was wrong, who was right or who deserved what more than the other. I asked for ADVICE and HELP.
I advise you to stop imposing your OPINIONS on my situation and if you don't have anything helpful to say, don't bother. Imagine!!!!!
Again, thank you to all those with advice and words of encouragement.
For those amongst you who made judgements on any individual involved in this difficult and extremely sensitive problem, I suggest you look back at wmy original post. I didn't ask you to assess my situation and tell me who was wrong, who was right or who deserved what more than the other. I asked for ADVICE and HELP.
I advise you to stop imposing your OPINIONS on my situation and if you don't have anything helpful to say, don't bother. Imagine!!!!!
Again, thank you to all those with advice and words of encouragement.
Just to add. The CSA cannot persue him for arrears of maintenance etc years later. They are only responsible for collecting payments from the date that the ex makes a claim with them. If she leaves it 3 years to do so, then that's her tough luck.
Tell your boyfriend to start making regular maintenance payments from the word go. If she won't accept them, then put the money away in a separate account for the baby. Get receipts for everything! If it ever goes to court or CSA he can prove that he has tried to pay.
padders
Personally I think that Judge J's post is extremely offensive to all fathers. There are a lot of very evil women out there who think that having a baby means that they are financially set up for life. I know a lot of dads who would love to do all those everyday things with their children but because the ex uses the child as a weapon and moves them to the other end of the country or whatever, they are not able to do so.
All children benefit from having a proper relationship with their fathers, unless the father is abusive, an alcoholic etc. I would never stop my children from seeing their dad at any time of any day.
padders
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