angry teen

[couscous]

My previously delightful daughter, 15, has been angry, destructive to property, threatening and occasionally violent to me (if confronted). Recently she has been refusing to go to school. This behaviour started a year ago, coinciding with the arrival of her foster sister, 9, who I hope to adopt. The girls get on well, but I, my car, house and property, are taking the brunt of it. Both girls are bright, popular with other children, and have happy lives outside the home (guitar lessons, horse riding etc). I've tried financial sanctions, grounding and confiscating her stuff for limited periods (stereo, hair straighteners) with the older one, but nothing works. Anything I can do beyond weathering the storm until she grows up?

[Liza B]

HI there is a really good site which deals with children of all ages, parents all helping each other it is raisingkids.co.uk. Hope that is some help to you, it is good to hear from other parents going through the same things as you, you do not feel as alone.

good luck

[stanleyman]

This sounds like classic sibling rivalry. You are not, at least in the eyes of your daughter, giving her enough attention, difficult for you I know but that's about it aside from the usual problems of bullying etc. You need to make her feel important and at her age you can involve her in household decisions especially regarding her foster sister. Get her on your side as your confidant and I think you will see her attitude change overnight.

[Scarlett]

I agree with Stanley. It sounds as if she is doing these things to get attention from you, and clearly, it is an attention issue, if it co-incided with the arrival of another sibling. She must be made to feel special. Can you do some things on a regular basis that only involve her and not her sister? Also allow her priviliges- parties or trips, since she is 15 and will want these things. You could also give her more responsibilities and treat her like an equal adult, and see how she responds to that.

[lady_p_gold]

Is she your blood daughter and the nine year old is not or was she also a foster child ? If she is your blood daughter then to her I suppose another child has come into her world with all the conflicting feelings that brings. If she was also once a foster child then did she have some issues in her early life that may now be brimming to the surface in her teenage years ?

[NiceCupOfTea]

I can only answer using my own experience, which was that I turned into the most horrible girl on the planet towards my mum when I was fifteen - bar the violence. I wanted to be accepted as an adult and took everything my mum said or did as a personal attack on my wished for independance. With hindsight, she had to keep me in line for good reasons, but at the time she seemed petty, domineering and unsympathetic.

I calmed down when I was about 17, I think, because to my mind she began to treat me more like an adult, in that she didn't want to rule my every waking minute and allowed me to do more of the things I wanted (like go to the pub, I suppose, and not have to be in at 'babyish' times like 10 O'Clock).

Not advice, I know, just what my thoughts were at the time. Maybe that's how your daughter is thinking at the moment. Good luck, and bear with the situation as she will calm down (touch wood).

[sam82]

not that im a parent, but it wasnt so long ago i was 15, and had a younger brother, it wasnt that i was jealous of him or sibling rivalry, my hormores where just mental, it was hard dealing with the pressures of being a teenager, now it all seems so stupid but back then evertything could sometimes just be so tough. school life, exams, friends, your body changing, you yourself trying to grow up... personally i just needed a release, my parents keeping calm and trying to talk to me did help eventually.. but i was just so angry inside. and couldnt talk to them about my life! ...and if i felt pressured everything came out with me being a angry little madam in the home!! oh i have grown out of it now!!!

[Morrisonker]

I'd agree that she's probably jealous of your foster daughter, it's got to be tough going from an only child to having new sister who is already kinda grown up. You could try treating her more like an adult, give her some privilages that only she can do, that they younger girl isn't old enough for and if you can get involved as well and make it about the 2 of you then that's probably going to help too.

Call her bluff, don't be subtle, if she's ranting to you about how unfair life is then just say exactly what you're thinking. Just say you know she's upset about having to share you now but she's got to grow up and realise that life is about sharing and compromise and sometimes she just needs to bite her tongue and deal with it in a more mature manner.