unhappy 19 year old daughter

[Susan22_11]

My daugter has a very bad relationship with myself and her two younger sisters. She hates (strong word) her estranged father and myself. I have been a lone parent for 10 years now and I am at a dead end with her. In the past year alone she has trashed my car, writen her car off, which was given to her by her uncle and been charged with dangerous driving and failing to stop when asked. She gave me a black eye days after christmas when I was actually quite ill with the flu and constantly has unsuitable friends both male and female. I love her and unless we sort something out she will have to move out of my house as I can't stand the atmosphere any longer. Myself and her youngest sister have both had corrective surgery to our feet in the past 12 months and she has been totally outrageous to both of us. Her behaviour has been bad for at least 4 years now and she accepts no responsibility for this at all.

Has anyone got ay suggestions as to how I can help her and in turn my family.

[lady_p_gold]

What an upsetting situation for you to be in. Obviously there is no magic answer as the trouble is, we love our children unconditionally, but sometimes they stretch us to the limit. I think it is time for some 'tough love' I am afraid. There are two ways to look at this. For whatever reason you may have to accept that your daughter has turned out a wrong 'un and that whatever you do or say is never going to do any good and unless you take back control of your home and life then she will just wreck everything until one day she finally wrecks herself. You may blame yourself or the break up of your marriage for this, but at some point you have to stop and hand the reins over to her. The other way to look at it is that she will turn around and with either motherhood, or some sudden growing up at some time, she may turn the corner and be ok. But for the moment she is ruining the lives of all of you and giving nothing back for all your patience. I think by 19 it is time to be moving out anyway and making your own way in the world. So, I think it is time to maybe write her a letter, or take her out somewhere and to say that you love her very much but unless she either changes her ways or starts to make some sort of positive contribution to the family then she will have to find somewhere else to live. Will continue in next post before I run out of space.

[lady_p_gold]

Plus the fact that she has been physically violent to you, that is just not something you should have to tolerate from anyone. So although it is scary there has to be a cut off point and I think it is now. All you can do is say you will always be there for her, but you do not feel you deserve to be a punchbag and a dogsbody and that it is the end of the line. If you could get to the bottom of what is causing it it would be good, is it drink, drugs, or some warped idea about you and your ex ... why does she hate you both. Perhaps some counselling might help her, or perhaps you could go together. If it is any help, my son went totally off the rails but is now completely back to normal. Good luck !

[noxlumos]

Hi, you say you've been estranged for 10 years but her behaviour has only been unacceptable for around four? Any idea what happened four years ago to suddenly change everything?I'm wondering if some specific event didn't trigger all this hurt and anger in her about which you may be completely unaware. Clearly something needs to be done as you can't possibly be expected to put up with being physically and emotionally assaulted, but are there ever times when she's not like this, periods where she's happier that you may be able to build on?

You say her friends are unsuitable. That may be ( however true it is) a major problem, as she's sure to feel critisised if you question her choice of friends and clearly she must gain something from their friendship or she'd have no time for them.People sometimes use their choice of friends as a mirror to how they are feeling.

She must be feeling really terrible herself to be behaving like this and to be honest it'll not make her feel any better if you tell her she has to leave. I think she needs reasurance at this point that you've not given up on her, as however she may appear, she'll be feeling shame at the way she behaves, which in turn is likely to provoke more anger.

Try and concentrate on things that she does that are nice, that she's good at, that please you. Share your memories of her when she was a child, and let her feel unconditionally loved.

Anger like that has to be channelled somewhere safely, at the moment it's being directed at you, her sisters and herself and the whole thing smacks of her thinking she's worthless. Please go steady with her, despite your own frustrations and I hope you get it sorted out so you can enjoy being a mother and daughter again.

[Altosruleok]

I'm assuming that you've tried to talk to your daughter about this. What does she say in defence of her own behaviour?
Whatever her reasoning, she has no right to hurt you or anyone else, either physically or emotionally and you have every right to tell her to leave. She IS 19 - an adult in the technical sense, even if not in maturity and should be able to look after herself. If she is away from home, she might even appreciate you a lot more.
Thus said, when my own daugher (admittedly younger than yours) had a terrible teenage spell when her behaviour was appalling and she was doing just about everything illegal that I could think of and seemingly way out of control, there was no way I could have told her to go. I just loved her too much, no matter how foul she was being. I just kept telling her that, much as I hated what she was doing, I still loved her and always would, no matter what she did.
Now, several years later, she is lovely. She knows how badly she treated us and says she was just feeling really bad herself.
I thik you need to balance things carefully - it sounds as though it's not only you who is suffering and even if you feel that you are willing to martyr yourself, you shouldn't do that to the rest of your family. Apart rfom anything esle, you're showeing them that that is an acceptable way to behave.
How about a family discussion, if possible with a mediator? If she won't accept this (quite likely, I should think) maybe you could find a good counsellor to help you to deal with this. An outside is often the best bet.
Good luck

[xrayspecs]

Kick her out! At 19 she should be able to accept responsibility for her actions. She only acts the way she does because you react to her behaviour. The easiest way for you to avoid having to react is to chuck her out. Tell her you love her but at the moment you don't like the person she has become. It's tough love, but it works!

[Schlomo78]

I have been in this situation myself,but i was the unruly teen.I was truly horrible to my mother when I was younger and although she did fuel a lot of it I now know at 27 and have done for some years that I was totally out of order and control.The underlying resentment in my case was that I blamed her for her and my father splitting up when I was a child even though they were both equally to blame,i also felt very unloved by her and left out of the family...although it was my behaviour that made them treat me differently, a vicious circle.It came to a head when I was 16 and had left school wjilst in the states visiting my father she had simply had enough and moved house as a desperate last resort to end her/our misery.My behaviour had gotten bad to worse at the age of 14/15 and I was impossible to live with.I resented her for doing this to me for a few years but lived on my own after the council rehoused me at 17 and in time came to realise what a swine I had been.I also underwent counselling a couple years ago and my counseller figured that around the time I started behaving really badly was the same time my brother had left home,subconsciously I felt deserted by him as I had my father,so there may be some truth in noxlumos' reasoning that something in her life changed and had an effect on her 4 yrs ago.Now I still don't get on fantastically with my mum but we spend some time every week together and even hug and tell each other we love each other when we say goodbye,something that would have been unthinkable for either of us to do a few years ago.I hope you get things sorted,but at the end of the day you do not deserve to be physically or mentally abused,nor the rest of your family,however indirectly it is happening.cont'd in nxt post..

[Schlomo78]

I should give her one last chance and let her know you are serious then throw her out.If you speak to your Dr about how this is affecting you and ask him to write you a letter saying she is detrimental to your mental health it will help her to get a council/housing association place as they will have to rehouse her as you simply cannot live with her anymore.At least then you will know she has somewhere to live and won't be living on the streets,also you might even offer to help her move and decorate etc,if she feels she has her own place but is not ousted completely from the family i think that would help.I wish you and your family luck on this one,I have a feeling you are going to need it. x

[Susan22_11]

I would like to thank all of you for your help. I have taken a few suggestions on board and will act on them asap. My daughter was beaten up around 4years ago and I have always thougt this was the begining of her bad behaviour Over the years I have been for counciling and tried to get my daughter to go without success. I think I will write her a letter tomorrow and maybe she is destined to live away from home, all I know is that I no longer have the energy to live this way. Thank you all once again.