Having a Baby

[pompey1939]

I know there's never a 'good' time but we keep debating whether to have children at all. In my mum's day you didn't think about it, you just did it - now I think I'm thinking too much! I am nearly 34 and keep putting it off for fear of it changing my life so completely that I wont like it! But lots of people say it changes it for the better. I am so confused - will I take the plunge only to find out I'm not a good mother? Can anyone recommend a book which deals with the issues of 'undecidedness' in a balanced way? Any advice gratefully received - Thanks

[noxlumos]

Although I know there are those who don't experience the massive outpouring of love and devotion to their new baby I think they are in a minority.My wife "didn't want children ever" in her own words, but became unintentionally pregnant during a realtionship prior to meeting me and she says it was the most life changing ( for the better) thing that ever happened to her. Her son is now 20 and she's mother to my children from my first marriage as well as our seven year old daughter, 3 year old son and our expected baby due in March.She said her major concern was that she thought her life would be radically curtailed by child rearing, and whilst certainly I'm sure she had to make changes and sacrifices to some extent she didn't find it inhibited her career as much as she thought it would and opened up new things to her as well.Rather than read a book I'd talk to as many parent's as you posibly can and get some good sensible perspectives on how it's changed real people's lives, but I think the consensus will be that it's a really great experience for most.

[sbg]

hiya p!

i was never gonna have children, had no interest whatsoever as i had 7 nieces n nephews who are nightmare children.

but after getting married at 30 it just seemed the right thing to do...but it was a case of when. then my boss who was 6 yrs older than me went thorough ivf, fell pregnant with twins & lost them at 5 months. it jolted me into thinking that i need to do it sooner rather than later. so having a baby at 33 shocked everyone because they just didnt expect me to.

you do give up that couple way of life...but you dont miss it (u dont have time to?!!) your life just changes and regret is a word you dont even think of.

believe me some days i dont like it (usually sundays...i dont know why?) im not never the textbook mum , nor the mum that my mum, sisters, cousin are. i just do it my way.

And all this gushing is coming from someone who felt exactly as you describe three years ago!!!

hope this helps.

[TopCat1]

Hi Ya, For years I said I was too selfish to have children, and I really didn't want to bring children into this big bad world, I'm an extremely sensitive person, and worried constantly over my beloved niece and nephews, so knew if I had a child of my own, I would be a neurotic nightmare.

Well, I got married at 30 (3 years ago) and on my honeymoon, had a deep conversation with my husband, I suddenly thought what it would be like NEVER having children, laughter and company in my life, and I felt overwhelming sad (still not overwhelming broody though), so we decided to just see what happened. Anyway, I got pregnant 2 months later, and was EXTREMELY ill, and all through my pregnancy said I was NEVER gonna go through this again.

My little girl will be 2 next week, she is my EVERYTHING, she makes us laugh constantly every day, and I just ADORE being a mum. We are gonna start trying for a baby in the summer, and I am SOOOO clucky, I don't think I can wait. And, wait for it, I want at least 3 children (given my age 33 now, and financial situation I think thats my limit).

But have to say I LOVE IT. Its the most rewarding thing, and gave purpose to my life. (which by the way was shopping, clubbing and constant bbqs, coffee days with friends, that of course has quietened down, but it needed to anyway).

Hope this helps with your decision.

[gedk]

Hi P, I like the other posters above was extremely un-maternal and said I would never have children. I married at 28 and suddenly decided that I did want children after all. We started trying when I was 30 and I mistakenly thought that I would get pregnant in no time. I was wrong and it took four years of trying and 2 IVF cycles (we discovered that both my partner and I had fertility problems) before I had our son. He is now the centre of our universe and I can't imagine not having him. Your life does change radically but it is a good change and you embark on a new journey the day your child is born. I don't want to sound alarmist but you never know whether you (or your partner) have fertility issues until you start trying and your fertility does dip after the age of 35. Good luck with whatever you decide!

[OBonio]

At 3.30 this morning I was wondering whether we'd done the right thing having children! Tiredness does this. She's brilliant. And one day I may get a full night's sleep again.

It's not easy, but the happiness she has brought into our lives is worth every middle of the night wakening. Every dubious looking black/brown/green nappy. Every puke stain on my favourite clothes.

Wouldn't be without her. Even at 3.30am!!

[Bohne]

I am just 34 and pregnant with my first child.

It was very similar, that we kept putting it off, again and again. Mainly it was me, I think, as I am a very active person and dive instructor.

We were always sure, that we wanted a baby, though, that's the big difference, I would never have let anybody talk me into this, it's way to important, a lot of responsibility, and there are enough unloved and unwanted children around, I don't have to add another one.

I know of several woman who got pregnant with their first child in their early 40s, (and had healthy babies) so there is no need for you to rush anything, quite yet, if you are not sure about it.

[pompey1939]

Just wanted to say a BIG thank you to all of you have replied so far - Your answers are really interesting and helpful and greatly appreciated - Thanks!