Marriage Dilemma

[dmh9282]

My girlfriend and I have recently found out that we are expecting a baby. It wasn't planned and was certainly a shock when we found out but we are looking forward to our new arrival now.

We told both sets of Parents during the week and initially they were fine about it but now my girlfriend's Mum has been saying to her Sister that she wants us to get married. We have given her every opportunity to state her feelings and concerns to us but she never has.

My main priority is making sure our baby has the best start in life, I'm sure we would need all we money we can get.

We would have preferred to be married before starting a family but I suppose you can't expect to play with fire and not get burnt.

Coming from Northern Ireland religion can be an issue here. I'm a Protestant and my girlfriend is a Catholic. Religion isn't important to me so I am aware our baby will be bought up Catholic and whenever we do get married it will be in a Chapel as Religion is important to my Girlfriend

If your still reading, I'd like some advice on how to handle the Marriage situation. Our intentions are to get married soon after the birth of the baby but I don't want to myself and most importantly my girfriend to feel pressured into something that, at this moment in time, isn't all that important to both of us.

[pinkflamingo]

Very warm congratuations to you and you girlfriend.

My advice to you would be don't let yourselves be pushed into anything. You sound like a loving couple and i'm sure you will make great parents. Being married won't change that.

I have been with my partner for 26 years now, we have 5 happy healthy children.

[dmh9282]

Thank you for your kind and encouaging words. It's very much appreciated

[electricblue]

I'd agree with pinkflamingo,you have to do what you two want,its your lives with your baby,you are the one's living it and it sounds like you will be great parents,good luck to you both!!xx

[Pippa68]

First of all congratulations on your news ~ it is great that you are both commited to each other & your child :o)

Personally I wouldn't rush into marriage just yet. After all, what we are really talking about here is a wedding as you are already commited to each other..and having a child with someone is a much bigger tie to each other than a certificate! don't get me wrong ~ I am not anti-marriage..I am married & before our wedding last year we were raising our two daughters without the burning desire for a wedding (we have always considered ourselves married!)

We are glad we waited as neither of our daughters were planned..we married when we felt ready whether we had children or not. Also, a big thing for me was not having the thought of having to get married. I could never use pregnancy or birth as the reason we got married against my husband during an argument which is something that seems to happen with quite a few people.

Having a child takes a lot of time, patience & money. Enjoy your baby, take your time & get married when you both feel it is right. Delaying a wedding doesn't mean you aren't right for each other & shouldn't be together. Good luck! :o)

[Miss Zippy]

You are clearly committed to your girlfriend and your baby so perhaps your girlfriend's mother justs need to be reassured of this (does she know you plan to marry)? All parents meddle in their offsprings' relationships to some extent (regardless of religion) so don't feel 'bullied'. Could you and your girfriend perhaps explain to her that you both want to enjoy the pregnancy and the last few months you will have together as a couple, without any stress of having to plan a wedding? Ultimately, it's your life and your future mother in law will have to accept that your relationship will develop at the pace decided by you and your girlfriend.

[Sparkles3]

Congratulations on the pregnancy! Hope all goes well.

I agree with what everyone says that you have to get married when you want to and that is undoubtedly the most important thing. If your desire is to get married after the birth, then stick with it.

An alternative could be to have a very small wedding (registry office with parents/immediate family) prior to the birth if you wanted to be married before the baby is born (you said that had been your preference before your recent news!) and then have a church blessing with a bigger 'do' after the baby is born to celebrate the three of you as a new family.

I wish you all the luck in the world - you must certainly stick by your guns and ensure that what the two of you want is what happens. xx

[dancecaller]

If what you want is a "big day" wedding it will cost more than you can afford now. But if you and your families are prepared to just have a simple ceremony with the celebration later, when you can afford it maybe that's an answer.

If either of you are regularly attending church members your pastor/priest could marry you without it being more than you can afford.

OTOH I've MC'd dances at lots of weddings with the couples young children attending

Talk to your girlfriend first, then to your family and don't be pushed into anything you don't want or can't afford

[Bohne]

Hey there...

I think you are right in doing things the way the two of you seem right.
If anybody approaches you with it, you can try and explain, if you feel like it, however, comments behind your back I would absolutely ignore.

I got married very quietly, and even though we had planned it for many months, it came to quite a surprise to many friends and family.
One of my aunts suggested that 'we had to get married', of course not to myself, but to another aunt, which annoyed me no end!
I would never have married 'just' because I was pregnant. In fact, if I had been pregnant at the time, I would probably have postponed the wedding, just to make a point out of the fact that I married for no other reasons but love...
Maybe silly, but there!!!

I wish you all the best with the baby and your relationship.

[~Wingnut~]

Wahoooo congrates on your great news!!!!!

I had been with my husband (obviously weren't married then) about 8 months when I found out I was pregnant. I think people expected us to announce we were getting married before the birth but no way was I only going to be able to drink orange juice at my own wedding! lol We got engaged but we were going to anyway before I found out I was pregnant. We married when our daughter was just over a year old. We did it then because we wanted to do it then and didn't want people thinking we married because I was pregnant, esp as we hadn't been together that long by then.

Anyway after my long winded reply, you do what you both want to do not what everyone is telling you, be it to your face or behind your back. We've been married 7 years now and have added to our family. I'm glad we did what was right for us :o) and I don't regret any of it for a second.

Enjoy the build up to the arrival of your child, then when your ready, enjoy the build up to your Wedding and the rest of your lives together as a family! :o) All the best xx

[noxlumos]

Congratulations dmh, how brilliant for you both, having a child is really mind blowingly good.

I'm from Belfast (Falls) and my wife is Jewish, so I am personally aware of all the religious tensions you are talkign about. My brother's girlfriend was a Protestant girl, they had a baby daughter but eventually split up because of the two families ( ours being staunchly Republican and hers being staunchly Loyalist, it got really ugly).

I'd say your best bet is to do what all the very sensible people above have stated and just take things at your own pace.Marry when you are good and ready and not a moment before and whilst it's fine to try and placate people who may be showing concern, this is your life so live it your way and to hell with religion and other people's opinions.Just stick together in your own way and enjoy your new baby:)

[Schlomo78]

Congrats on your news!! Myself and my partner are in kinda the same situation,although neither of our parents are religious, the question is when are we getting married as we got engaged in Dec and shortly after conceived our baby, although we were trying we thought it ould take up to a year or so in which time we were planning to get married!! I don't want to get married whilst pregnant as I want to look my very best so we are planning it for for next year sometime and are possibly thinking of going away for a week or so abroad to get married and have the honeymoon and a holiday(which we will def need!!) at the same time whilst one set of our parents look after baby. I woul,d say do it in your own time and how you want and let others live their own lives the way they want, don't be pressured into anything,this is your life!