14 yr old son sleeps at girlfriends house!

[sunshine1]

Can anyone give me some advice on my 14 yr old son.He told me he was staying at his friends house who lives on the next street, he has stayed there many time before.The next day i went to ask him to come home from his friends house and found out he never stayed ther but he was at his 14 yr old girlfiends in the next town. I contacted this girls mum and she said she didnt know he had stayed the night as she went to bed at 9.00 and they got in at 10.45. I feel so let down by my son that he had to lie to me but he doesnt seem to see it as a problem. Am i over reacting?

[WaldoMcFroog]

No, you're not over-reacting, and the issue is more wide-ranging than simply lying to you. Your son is not legally old enough to enter into a sexual relationship. It's not clear that he is having one, but you would be naive not to acknowlege at least the possibility.

If you think he is having a sexual relationship then you have some hard work ahead. Many 14 year olds are not really emotionally mature enough to deal with a sexual relationship and its responsibilities, not least of which is contraception. At the very least you need to make him aware it is an offence to have sex at his age; it should be possible to do this without being accusatory. Secondly, you need to ensure he knows about contraception. This may be difficult for you, but is better than him getting someone pregant.

You don't want to push your son away, but you should be able to set appropriate boundaries. Perhaps set a curfew at a reasonable hour and explain the more he gives you reason to trust him, the more responsibility he will be allowed to take.

Perhaps you could talk to his girlfriend's mother and agree a common approach?

Good luck!

[sunshine1]

Thanks for your advice waldofroog,I have had a talk with him about sex and all the other things that comes with it and his dad has too.He assures me that nothing happend but how do i believe him,I am dissapointed that his girlfriends mother is not helping towards this problem. I grounded my son for 2 weeks with no internet, telephone calls and he was only allowed to come out of his room for his meals.During this his girlfiend was calling 2 or 3 times a day to speak to him,I finally ask her mum to tell her not to call while he was grounded and her reply was her daughter was able to make calls to who she wished to talk and she couldnt stop her.I also feel like I cannot trust my son with anything he says at the moment,im even checking up on him when he says that he has football practice at school.I really dont know what i will do if i find that he has lied to me again, we used to have such a great relationship and i now feel as if we are growing apart and it breaks my heart.I have talked with him about this and he says that he is fine and not to worry about him, my husband attitude is, he a normal boy , but you still cant help worring.

[SaxyJag]

OK, you and he both know that what he's doing is illegal - he could be charged with rape, whether or not his girlfriend consented - and that there's more to a relationship than just the sex. They'll still do it, though, because they're kids and they know better . Plus, of course, all their friends are doing it, so what's the problem (I'm being ironic here).

I can understand your reaction, but at the same time, I think you run the risk of pushing your son further away if you do anything more than ground him at the moment. You're not going to stop him by force. Try to keep kids apart like this and you may end up pushing them closer together, possibly into a disastrous relationship that they may otherwise have drifted away from quite naturally.

Like you said, you've done all you can. You've given him the talk and warned him about safe sex. I think you're going to have to let him realise his mistakes for himself. Just as long as he knows you're there for him when he makes them, then he won't resent you.

[redcrx]

Can i just say sunshine that i think you are a great parent for taking this attitude. the girls mother sounds as if she really doesnt care much for her daughter by not talking to her and giving her guidlines. I know theres no way you can stop 2 people having sex, and its always safer to know they are at home rather than out somewhere open. But how could she just turn a blind eye like that?

I hope your son understands your reasons behind this and takes a mature approach in future. best of luck

[suzi-q]

You are not over-reacting. You are the responsible parent. Stick to your guns. Would the girl's mother be so chilled out about this if her daughter got pregnant - I doubt it. She'd be the first one to point the finger of blame.

You are just trying to protect your son.

Best of luck to you. xx

[madham]

I think you need to make it clear to him, what the consequences of her becoming pregnant would be, i.e sleepless nights, no youth club, maintainance till child is 16 etc. Also what implications would be if he was arrested for having underage sex, even if they were both underage and the fact he could be put on a sex offenders register and she will NOT.

Also you somehow need to make sure he is aware of safe sex practices, because as someone else stated, they will probably do it regardless if they are already. I don't think you can do anymore than you have already, but good luck.

[sunshine1]

Thank you for all your advice, I will take it on board.As a parent you have to hope that you are doing the best for your children, I just hope I am, as my son means the world to me and I would hate him to mess up his future. Thanks again for the advice, heres to a stress free couple of days( at least!)