teenage discipline

[maximus]

I have a daughter of 16 nearly 17 and going through her GCSEs . However her behaviour has become increasingly intolerant . She fails to do any revising despite carrot and stick employed by myself and her step mother,but the biggest problem I find is the constant lying to us ,coming in later and later etc leaving her phone off and lying saying "it turns itself off" bone idle, has no interest at all in working before college even though I am withdrawing her pocket money when she finishes her school exams.The lying is inccessant. She is sexually active got excluded from school for turning up smelling of alcohol 2 weeks ago telling me her teacher was lying. I em running out of consequences for her soon she will be 17 and willfind it difficult to ground her. Her biological Mother plays little or no part in her life now. But before my divorce she was like this before, but not quite as bad. any help would be extremly helpful thank you

[teag1rl]

I'm afraid I don't have a any good advice. Only thing I know is, I did this at her age, so did both my sisters. It drove our parents to despair but we all grew out of it, nothing bad happened and we're all functional now. It must be awful for you, but I do wish you luck.

[gessoo]

I'm afraid I have no good advice either. It's a stage that nearly all of them go through and unfortunately it coincides with the most important years of schooling. Perhaps GCSE's etc. should come later in life when this phase has passed. Good luck, from one who knows from experience of once being a teenager and then going on to become the mother of a teenager.

[gessoo]

My answer seemed a bit glib. I am sorry. I do appreciate what you are going through, I just didn't want you to think you are alone in this. The drinking would concern me though, more than the other problems. The lying is just self protection and not wanting to discuss things with you. It's easier to lie than to have to explain herself. Unfortunately, a lot of girls of her age are now sexually active, and, at 16 there is nothing you can do except to make sure that she is aware of contraception, etc.

Try not to get too angry (difficult to know) and let her know she is loved. Constant battling with her will make things worse and bribery (stick and carrot) just won't work with an intelligent child. Lots of praise for every little nice thing she says or does. She is finding her way in this big world and it's very difficult. I'm afraid 'bone idle' is exactly what most kids of this age are, especially if it's things they are not interested in - and most kids just seem to hate school at this age.

Support her, love her. Continue to tell her when she has done something wrong or annoyed you and try to keep to some ground rules, but not too many. However, try to keep calm if you can.

Have you got a family friend or young relation who is just a bit older than her that can have a word with her about how this is affecting you and your wife?. She might be more amenable to listening to someone nearer her age who she can relate to.

Best wishes

[gessoo]

*difficult I know*

[lady_p_gold]

The others have said it all as far as the fact that this often happens at this age. Most recover and suddenly change back to being a sensible human being, and carry on into adulthood. However there are some who don't and that is what you don't want to happen. I am going to pick up on your last sentence, that her biological mother plays little or no part in her life. Why is that ? It is unusual for a mother not to do so, we know that Fathers are often not around for whatever reason but usually the mother is there. And so I wonder if this might be more deep rooted and I wonder if there is any possibility of rekindling the links with her mother because, without knowing any of the history it is difficult to comment, but I think this might hold the key if she is feeling angry, rejected, and all the feelings that might be boiling up inside if she is going through her teenage years without her mother playing a part in her life. Could be wrong but I think it needs to thought about.

[maximus]

thanks for your kind replys she has now decided to leave home and has placed harself in a hostel. i just hope she wakes up and smells the coffee and comes beck to abide by the very few rules we have in the house

[distressed]

Hi

I'm having same problems with my 17 year old daughter. We think her boyfriend has a very strong influence over her. We had yet another argument on Monday evening which resulted in me yelling at her to choose him or us! :-( She chose him, packed a bag and left. I phoned her yesterday and she said she wants to come home. She came for a chat well more for her to dictate her rules should she return. Those being we put a regular amount of money in her bank account weekly. She doesn't have to help around the house, and she can come and go as she pleases. As heartbreaking and difficult for me to do this I refused. She wouldn't listen to compromise and balmed me for her being able to claim EMA. She accused m,e of being mean to her and bullying her. Also called me a control freak.

Needless to say she left 30 minutes later and haven't heard from her since. My heart is breaking, I feel physically sick and can't stop crying. I just want her to come home but I can't allow her to do that on her grounds and rules.

Will she ever come home? Is it her age or doe she really hate us?

[distressed]

Sorry that should read 'Blamed me for her not being able to claim EMA'

[distressed]

Would just like to share the good news that my daughter returned home yesterday after 2 weeks of hell and arguments.

Good luck to all you parents who are going through the same problems with teenagers.

If anyone wants to know more details about how we became reconciled just ask away.

[tuibird]

Well done. You totally did the right thing to stick to your rules.

We have few rules and one chore a day (empty the dishwasher in her case) and my daughter 13 acts as if she is a slave to the world.

I left home at 17 so i know how hard it is out on your own when you are not ready to be there. I never went back and I had experiences I would not want my daughter to have.

Good luck for the future