Wife's Parents

[JFK]

My wife and I are having our first baby in February. She is American and I am English, and we live in a small one-bed flat in London.

My wife wants her parents to come over and stay with us for 2-3 weeks during and after the birth. I have said I would rather we had about 3 weeks alone with the baby first, or if they do want to visit straight away they should stay in a hotel. But she's insisting they come and stay with us.

Am I being unreasonable? I get on really well with her parents but I feel like this will be such an important time when our first child is born, and I am barely going to get a look-in with everyone packed into the small flat fussing over my baby.

[foxyroxy141]

Sounds to me like you're more concerned that you're not going to be the centre of attention JFK. I can understand that you want and need some time alone with your wife and baby but after all it's your wife who will have gone through all the pain, trauma etc of giving birth and I really think HER wishes need to come first on this one. If she wishes to see her mum and dad and have more support than you can provide then I think that's perfectly reasonable. However, I think you should say that you both need at least a few days alone with the baby - BUT if she wants her parents there I think you will be very selfish indeed if you insist on getting your own way. I had a daughter last year and did not want my parents around much coz they fuss way too much but I think I am in the minority - nearly all of my friends have wanted their mums around - and even at the birth. Sorry if this is not what you want to hear but I think you should try to take a back seat on this one. After all, its their grandchild too and if they live in America will hardly get to see the baby at all - you've got the rest of your lives together to spend with the child so I'm sure you can put up with the inconvenience for a couple of weeks. Good luck!

[noxlumos]

Sorry I've got to agree with foxy. My wife gave birth to our daughter in April and her mum was staying in our house at the time as she always does because to them that was the natural thing to do.It was great actually because it meant that my mother in law, whose a great woman, helped out tremendously, loaded the dishwasher, generally kept things running whilst my wife and I spent some really lovely time getting to know our new daughter. She also had the baby for a few hours when she was just a couple of days old so that my wife and I could just go to the park and relax ( don't forget your wife has had this baby with her for 9 months and a couple of hours off when a woman is feeling tired after childbirth is really nice especially if she's breast feeding and maybe not too comfortable).
It would be a shame if you resented your in-laws being there, they only want to be part of what's wonderful that's taking place and you should be really pleased about that, so if I were you, for the sake of the relaionship with your wife, in-laws and for your own self I'd do it your wife's way on this and stop looking for problems that needn't be there.Just enjoy being a new Dad and congfratulations.

[IggyB]

i disagree with the above posts - i think the first few weeks should be just for the three of you really, it will help the baby to get to know you both properly and get to recognise your smells and sounds - not generally a prob for the mother but can be for the father - its really important that the baby gets to share some proper quality time with you at this special time.

i think the problem of over crowding in your little flat would be a major issue if they were staying at a normal time, let alone when you have a new baby, it seems truly impractical to house the 5 of you in a one bedroom flat for that length of time... I feel the solution here is a compromise with your wife so that you can all get a bit of what you want; ask the parents in law to stay in a hotel at night that way they can be there all day long but in the evening you get time to be a proper family

there are three really important people at this time and you need to make sure that all three of you are happy and contented � not easy I know

[JFK]

Thanks for the replies everyone. I appreciate that grandparents can come in very handy with children, doing chores etc - but I do feel as the father I have a lot to offer too! I will get 2 weeks' paternity leave from work, and I'm fully prepared for changing nappies, tidying the flat, cooking meals, etc etc while the wife relaxes and recovers. I have no problem with both my parents and her parents seeing a lot of the newborn baby (it's the first grandchild on both sides) but I do feel that living with us will be a bit TOO much. For example, when the baby starts crying at 3am, it will wake the whole house and naturally her parents will be asking us if everything's ok, giving advice and telling us what to do, looking to hold the baby etc. I'd quite like us to just have a crack at that ourselves.

[lynlockwood]

I agree with you- it would be a nightmare trying to cope with everyone in the flat- why not suggest that if your wife wants her parents to stay for the occasional night then to do that but otherwise they really need to stay in a hotel- I'm sure they would find 3 weeks sharing with a new born difficult. Nobody is going to get any space or privacy. I can't think of a worse way of starting with anew baby!

[ChuffingHell]

I think that given the space issue, the practicalities of the situation wouldn't really suggest that it would be such a good idea.

I think you also need to highlight to your qife that you only get 2 weeks off and you would like to spend some quality time without thr parents around the whole time.

I would be more insistant about that hotel if I were you, highlighting to your wife that you like your in-laws a great deal but you also want some space from them in the early stages which, if they stay, will not happen.

I'd go nuts if I were in that situation and my bf's family tried to move in for such a long period of time.

[beejaybee]

Do your family live near? If so, think how your wife must be feeling. It`s only natural she wants her mum`s support during this time. I know you`re her husband & want to be there & that it`s a very impotant time for you also, but her mum lives so far away. I agree that they should stay in a hotel though as your place is too small.

[Trotbot]

I live overseas and when my daughter was born, my parents were over here for a month. I arranged for them to be in a serviced appartment for the whole time, and contributed to some of the cost. It was close enough to get to the appartment easily. It is a slightly different situation.

Could you find similar accomadation nearby at a reasonable price, and make it clear that you welcome them staying over at the flat occasionally, particularly your Mother in Law, to help your wife. However, everyone needs their space and that includes your in laws as well as you and your wife.

It is likely that peoples views on what they want will change with experience. If they are staying elsewhere and everyone is happy for them to stay at your place it is easy to switch. If they are at your place and you or your wife (which is quite likely) wants them to move it creates a potential source of friction.

[meltoadhall]

my mum travelled 400 miles to come and stay with us each time i was due to give birth and was wonderful.
I think your main problem is space. I think the idea of maybe family having the in-laws is a good one though.
america is a very long way to come and not spend time with you. Even sleeping somewhere else nearby could be ok for them.
Have you asked them what they are willing to do or explained to your wife how you feel?
the baby may not even arrive when they are there!!! they are very fickle about coming when you want them to. Unless the in-laws come over a regular basis they may not see this child for years - three weeks or maybe less will not hurt you or the baby and will give your wife the extra support she obviously needs.

[Pippa68]

This is a tough one, as I can see both sides!

I can understand your wife wanting her parents satying with you ~ but in my experience having people to stay after you have given birth is quite often an added stress neither of you need, especially in a small space. I agree an hotel would be better ~ maybe a couple of nights with you and the rest at an hotel? there is no harm in them visiting whilst they stay overnight at the hotel, and I guarantee the last thing you both need is another couple under foot when you are coping with a newborn.

Your wife will need her mum, no doubt ~ but I hope some compromise is met :o)

[Kim A]

I find it odd that your wife's parent are even considering agreeing to staying in your small flat with you, your wife and a new baby! They must be aware of your circumstances, and your one bedroom. I appreciate that your wife wants to share this time with the baby's grandparents, and of course, she should, given that they live so far away, but surely she would agree to them staying somewhere else close by, spending days with the three of you and the nights somewhere else? Could your family help with accommodation? If not, and depending on your relationshi[p with the in-laws, perhaps you might have a quiet word with them and see if they are really happy to be squished into a tiny flat with two new parents and a tiny baby every day and night for 2-3 weeks. You might find they may be more accomodating than you think, given the circumstances! Good luck with the new baby!