Worries about 16 yr old behaviour

[suzi-q]

My son has changed so much over the past 3 months. He was such a friendly, affectionate boy albeit very laid back and with very poor organisational skills. We went on holiday to Greece at the end of July and now hes a different lad.

He seems to have a different circle of friends, who are older than him. He has lost weight, spends loads of time out, comes in past his curfew. He hardly seems to shower. He does eat but not our regular family meals - just snacks and tells me hes eaten at his fathers.

Also he has truanted from college and his Saturday job to hang out with these friends. Now his moped has been stolen and trashed but he hardly seems bothered. He's started smoking too. Also he owed �50 to some lad so after being paid last week he has no money left for the rest of the month.

Its all adding up to a lot of worry - wondering if hes started using drugs or something. I can't find anything in his room to suggest this and he swears blind hes not but kids can be such good liars.

Im really worried. By the way its not easy to ground him. He spends quite a bit of time at his fathers who lives in the same town. If we get mad at him he quite often storms out and goes round there for the night.

[ganesh]

It sounds like he's got into a rough crowd and he's trying to impress them with his new couldn't care less attitude. He probably isn't into heavy drugs otherwise he'd be more concerned about money.
If he's 16 then he thinks he's an adult and officially he can do what he wants,within the law of couse, so I don't think getting mad at him will work any more. Teenagers do change and boys tend to go through that horrible phase a little later than girls.
As long as he respects your rules regarding what goes on in your house then there's not much you can do.Just try and be supportive and show a bit of trust and he'll hopefully confide in you-but respect his independence in return.

[curiosity]

Did he go on holiday with you? Did he meet some people there or was his confidence boosted in anyway to feel able to branch out with new friends at home? I'm assuming at 16 he has just started college, which also brings in a different peer group. The actual behaviours you mention sound very much like he is using cannabis, but remember I'm far away and online, please don't accuse him or take this as fact. Many young people don't consider Cannabis to be "on drugs" many feel it's a healthier option to alchohol and believe that it is harmless, so believe that you have nothing to worry about. However you have seen a change (? the affect) within 3 months. 16 year olds brains are still developing and Cannabis use can cause lifelong mental illness. He needs to know this, even if you tell him in a way that he doesn't feel ifs directed at him. The government have just released a new advertising campaign along these lines this week, so he should start to see for himself http://www.youngminds.org.uk/cgi-bin/search.cg i?q=cannabis+use&x=8&y=12&m=any
Might help you more in your quest to put together the threads of the laid back teenagers efforts at communication in order to cloud issues to the point of you giving up (My 14 year old son is a dab hand at this) Good luck to you and your son.

[ganesh]

I don't agree with the current campaign against cannabis, it reminds me of when they used to say in the 70s that having a few joints would lead to harder drugs and you'd be on heroin in no time,anyway that's another debate.
However,what would you do if he was taking cannabis? Pointing out the dangers aren't going to make any difference,and he has already denied this.
He is smoking tobacco which he must know is extremely bad for him but he's still doing it,probably because these new friends are. I hope you have at least stopped him from smoking in the house .
I don't get why the holiday was significant though unless he had some experience with someone when you weren't around. More likely he has realised that he'd rather not go on holiday with his parents anymore, like most kids feel at around this age.
He can't remain your cuddly little boy forever and I think you have to face up to the fact that he's growing up and making his own decisions.Unfortunately,you can't choose his friends, but you can be there for advice and support when he needs it.

[suzi-q]

Hi Ganesh
I do appreciate your answers. I agree my boy cant stay a cute little boy for ever. I have a 19 yr old as well who is well and truly grown up and dont have many problems with him.

My 16 yr old however is a bit more easily led and a bit less confident than his older brother. I agree I must let him grow up and make his own mistakes and he admits trying a couple of joints which of course worries me but I am philosophical - I was a teenager myself once!!

I am just worried that he will get himself into trouble or into situations that he cant handle. Of course he will find out the hard way if he does but if I can at least try not to turn too much of a blind eye then I feel I can be more on the ball if he needs help than plodding along oblivious.

[Le Chat]

http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/294
Try this link.

[ganesh]

I know it's hard to watch them make mistakes and mix with the wrong people but I still think that there's not much you can do other than talk and let him know your opinions and rules while he's living with you.Some of it does sink in I'm sure even though they may argue with you at the time. I don't think anyone has the answers.
Having an older brother who is 'well-behaved' is probably making it worse as he's labelling himself as the 'wayward ' one.
Good luck.

[ganesh]

Just another thought,if his brother is close to him,maybe he could have a chat to him to tell him how worried you are about him,and maybe his father(that's if your on speaking terms!)