Racism

[missrandom]

I have a real problem with my 7 yr old. He keeps making comments about not liking black people saying they have horrible faces and smell. we are in a town with not that many ethnic minoritys. It makes me so cross with him, although i do tell him calmly, that everyone is the same regardless of colour, nationality, hair colour etc. I cant bear racism, its a particular pet hate and know one i know expresses these views. Is this a phase he'll grow out of?

[annie0000]

We have had the odd comment mainly from my youngest - we live in an area where there aren't many ethnic minorities either. My usual response is pretty much the same as yours - "I think that is is lovely that Bader has a brown face - wouldn't it be horrible if we all looked the same" I then go on to point out that some people with white faces have red hair and some have brown and some have white, that everyone gets a different combination of things so that we can tell who is who.

The latest was that he said he hoped that Dylan would'nt be at the party he was going to as Dylan always has a dirty face and he smells. I then pointed out that that was hardly Dylan's fault as he is only 5 and that he himself would very likely smell and have a dirty face if I didn't make him get washed and give him clean clothes and that maybe Dylan's mummy and daddy weren't able to look after him as well as his own mummy and daddy did. He has never mentioned anything since.

i am like you in that I don't like him judging people like that, I also feel sorry for poor Dylan, he seems happy enough, but he is the 2nd of 6 kids all under 7 who live on the local council estate. I know what hard work it is with two, never mind trying to organise that lot on a day to day basis.

our kids don't know how lucky they are - I don't think they realise that there are kids out there who live on crap, and don't have the luxury of daily baths/showers, clean pyjamas, brushed teeth and bedtime stories. How you get it through to them, I don't really know.

[missrandom]

Thank goodness its not just my children!! thanks again.xx

[yummymum]

Dont worry about just keep doing what your doing I think its just a phase that will pass and you seem to be dealing with it correctly, my partner is from a mixed raced family his father is Black and mother white, his mum once told that when he was younger he used to say he didnt like black people because they had dirty knees! if taken to heart this would mean he didnt like his own father, it just goes to show that the are not intentionally being nasty towards another person of a different race they are simply expressing their views at the time, its only as they get older that they realise with your help that these views are ok to have but shouldnt be said out loud.

[tiny e.a]

Personally, if I had already explained it to him and he kept on making the comments I would get angry with him to make him see that these comments are completely inappropriate and actually naughty and that I wouldn't tolerate hearing one more comment about it from him. What if he says it at school and hurts other childrens feelings? It not only reflects badly on you but what if a young black childs first experience of racism is your son telling him he has a horrible face and smells because he's black? I agree with explaining things to children but some behaviour really does have to be nipped in the bud.

I agree with others, that your son just doesn't realise what's wrong with what he's saying and that it's not said with malicious or racist intent, but you can't allow him to carry on saying it until he does understand, you have to put a stop to it now so that other children, or even adults, don't get hurt by his words.

[missrandom]

yes i aggree but in response to him saying those comments to other children, he wouldnt, he's incredibly shy and just about says hello to his friends, so that wont be an issue. but yes i do get cross, but equally i feel if i alienate him too much he wont tell me things in the future and therefore i wont be able to correct him.

[tiny e.a]

Yeah, it's definitely a difficult balance. Good luck.

[Solarjunkie]

You may not like what he's saying, but it's much the best that he is explaining his thoughts to you - just not saying anything doesn't mean he isn't thinking it! By talking to you about his feelings, you should be able to discuss the pros and cons of his feelings, plus his best method of dealing with his feelings without being rude or hurting other peoples feelings.
As adults we choose to try and ignore people's differences, that doesn't mean they aren't there - people who eat a lot of garlic or curry often smell of those foods for example, for a simple fact. A friend of mine told me that when he lived in Africa he had several times seen the local people be physically sick as they found the artificial soap & deodorant smell of the Europeans so nauseating.
So it largely depends on what you're used to.

[sportsmom]

That is unfortunate that your child thinks that way. I am Black myself and I have 2 black children and 1 on the way. When my youngest son was 7 years old he didn't know the difference in color. He had a best friend that was white and when someone asked him was his friend black or white, his answer was "He looks like me". Automatically everyone assumed his friend was black, but when I went to visit his school and met his friend, he was in fact white. When I asked him why did he say that he looked like him, he said "Because he's a boy like me and he likes what I like". I was so proud that my child saw past the skin color and into the soul of the child.

Unfortunately, the following year he experienced his FIRST (definitely not his last) dose of racism when a group of white boys would not let him play with them. We lived in a majority white community and endured a lot of racism throughout the years. I hate knowing that it starts at such a young age.

[missrandom]

yes, i hate it too, but i can assure you that we have in know way whatsoever contributed or had a hand in forming these preconcieved ideas he has. he has only 2 black girls in his class, who apparently have bad breath, he has therefore come to the wrong conclusion, that all black people have bad breath. he hasnt said anything derogitory about the asian girl in his class. i have spoken to him and explained that just because the only two black people he has met have happened to have bad breath, does not mean that all black people have bad breath. i have also explained that his comments are hurtful, rude, not nice and most importantly not true. he doesnt exclude the girls and i dont believe he would either. i just wanted to sort this problem out quick smart. i also believe that if we lived in a town with more black people he would realise that this wasnt true. it wouldnt even help if i had either of the girls round, because he knows they are nice people, and likes them, he has just seemed to make a link between the bad breath and the girls being black. even after explaining all this he still says it, and then says oh yeah i forgot! i think it might just some time and patience on my part.

[missrandom]

also i never made an effort in the past to say, "there is a black person and they are the same as everyone else", as i believed that by pointing this out to him it would be drawing attention to the difference in colour and i didnt want that. i wanted him to see black, white, asian or oriental people as the same without me having to point this out to him. i suppose at least this way i can sort it out when he is young, and wont have these views when he is older.

[sportsmom]

I think you're doing a great job at trying to explain differences and similarities to him so that his thoughts don't develop into anything negative as he gets older. If more parents were like you, there would be less racism and closed minded people in the world. Keep up the good work!

[missrandom]

aah thanks, well lets hope with our new generation of kids things will get a lot better! we can but try!!

[hogmother]

I think that if have explained your views on racism maybe if next time you keep it short and say that you do not like him talking like that or maybe ignore it. I am disabled and am used to children asking what is wrong or pointing me out but I just accept that they are kids and hopefully they will learn as they get older. I also have no problem when asked how/why I am using a wheelchair or crutches and try to answer truthfuly any questions I am asked it amazes me that the parents get upset if I am asked a question I know they are wary of upsetting anyone in these politically correct times. I am sure it is a phase he is going through and maybe he is saying these things to see how far he can push you and testing your boundarys. Just keep smiling and doing what you can, children always seem to know what buttons to push to upset their parents