Boyfriend Troubles...

[Silversky]

Well, kind of...
My boyfriend has had some problems in the past, making him self harm. He tells me that he hasn't done it in a long while, at least not while we've been together.
But I know he's having family problems, and I'm worried that he might've done it again, or done something.
I get really worried sometimes, because we're in a long distance relationship, it's not easy for me to pop round and see him or for him to me to get away from it.
Any reassurances here would be great : )

[xhxmxsx]

im not too sure what i can say as you live far away from each other, maybe lots of reassuring phone calls/ text messages so he knows that if he does feel like self harming again he doesnt need to as he has you to help him through his problems

[Silversky]

I do send alot of text messages and phonecalls (daily) about how much I love him, and that I'm always here for him. He's told me in the past that he's wanted to self harm, and that he's put it off. But I know he's really upset at the moment.
And I'm just really scared for him. I think I'm mostly worried right now because he is returning my texts from last night and today etc. Even though he could just be asleep.
So it just doesn't help.

[radiogaga]

poor you.,
is there anyone near him who could go check on him for, a friend?

[xhxmxsx]

when he stopped doing it did he ever get counselling? without sounding very nasty i think that if he's going to do it he will do it and nothing you do or say will be able to stop him, if he hasnt had counselling try and get him to do that although that will probably come with alot of arguements

[4getmenot]

I think you are doing all you can really, I had a mate that self harmed after her mum died and I had to sit in on counselling with her. Its something only they can get through though. Is there anybody who lives near him that can just keep a quiet eye on him for you. I know its not nice to snoop but sometimes you have to.

[Silversky]

I've tried to convince him that it would be a good idea to get counselling, I've said ever since I met him.
But he says that he doesn't want to be judged by others, even though I know that the people who do, aren't there to judge you.
But he won't listen.
He also said that he'd go to the doctors and see when I was there, he'll only ever go if I'm there. But that still hasn't been sorted yet.
And I don't really have any contact with his 'friends'
he doesn't believe he has any. So he never goes out with anyone, the closest I could get would be people from work, but it would mean waiting until I was back down there before I even get the slightest chance to ask. Then still, it might not happen.

[xhxmxsx]

i dont know what to suggest, try and assure him that if he goes to counselling they're there to help him and not judge him, it's what they are trained to do etc tell him u will go with him to help him through it etc

[MrBen5]

Hmmm, i dont think a long distance relationship really works anyway.
As you are worrying so much anyway, i think it will be better if you ended this relationship. Your gonna do yourself harm by stress.
I think he is a weak man and will try anything to get sympathy off you.
Only thing i can suggest is to tell him that either he sorts himself out or you will finish the relationship...

[Silversky]

Sorry MrBen... But you are completely wrong.
For starters, I know that ending such a relationship would only prompt him to do worse, not because he has told me so, because I know him so well.
Long distance relationships can work, and do. We've been together for six months and care for and love each other completely and utterly.
Yes, he can be weak, but who isn't at times?
Both me and him have had a terrible time in the past, and at times I have felt just like him. We have both had similar problems, he has helped me get better, as I have helped him.
Life is cruel enough as it is... why split up a couple who are happy together just because of things around them? And make them both miserable.

[xhxmxsx]

yes i disagree mr ben my older sister has been in a long diatance relationship and they have been together just over 8 years, 3 years in long distance it hasnt made them split up absense makes the heart grow fonder

[WendyS]

It sounds as if your boyfriend is a very needy and vulnerable individual and perhaps what you should be asking yourself is whether you have the long term emotional skills and capacity to enable him to turn his life around so that he feels sufficiently confident in himself to stop self harming. He obviously doesn't seem to have completely reached this stage yet after six months if you are still worrying about it. . You also have to ask yourself whether you can indefinitely take on the anxiety that he will do something silly. I think you need to sit down with him the next time you can be together and have a long serious talk about how he copes with his life and his personal difficulties in future. I think he needs the reassurance that you will be there for him but I think in return for this reassurance he needs to give you the certainty that he is taking some responsibility for himself and getting some counselling. A counsellor will not be judgmental about his problems and the neutrality from sucfh a source may well help him to develop some additional inner resources to cope. He needs to be taking responsibility for his own well-being, whether you are there or not, so if he won't do this, I think you really have to ask yourself how serious he is about getting himself sorted out. I know you say you love him, but you must not allow yourself be influenced by any of his emotional blackmail that he will self-harm if you break up the relationship. You are NOT responsible for his actions and whether you want to recognise it or not, this is manipulative behaviour. Just keep up the regular contact and the reassuring messages to him, but insist that he now takes some action himself to get sorted out.