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ChatterBank4 mins ago
Son who is going off the rails
9 Answers
Dear all,
I have a 12 year old son by a former partner. I enjoy a calm relationship with the ex, have very regular phone contact with my son and also see him very regularly (we live 120 miles apart unfortunately).
The issue is that my son is very well behaved when he is with me but is incredibly disrespectful and rude to his Mum, some school teachers and some fellow pupils. He seems to go out of his way to be rude or violent and then is usually very remorseful when I have words with him - albeit calling his Mum nasty names and telling her to "shut up" when she attempts to have words with him.
He is not ever physically disciplined, as I do not think this is the answer. When I talk to him and ask him why he does things wrong, he always confesses straight away and understands right from wrong - but then seems to revert to bad ways within days (sometimes hours) of being told off, despite having promised, seemingly sincerely, not to do it again.
We have tried taking things of value (playstation, etc) from him for a time, but he forgets about them after a couple of days and is not even bothered about having them back. We have also tried grounding him, rewarding good behaviour, behaviour charts and a child psychologist (she said he is insecure but could find no obvious reason why after 10 sessions).
He seems to want (and gets) a lot of cuddles and affection from me and my wife when he stays with us but does not seem to want the same thing from his relationship with his own Mum. Their relationship seems to be more 'familiar', the rows and lack of respect that he shows are volcanic but soon over, a bit 'brother and sister' like, in my opinion.
continued...........
I have a 12 year old son by a former partner. I enjoy a calm relationship with the ex, have very regular phone contact with my son and also see him very regularly (we live 120 miles apart unfortunately).
The issue is that my son is very well behaved when he is with me but is incredibly disrespectful and rude to his Mum, some school teachers and some fellow pupils. He seems to go out of his way to be rude or violent and then is usually very remorseful when I have words with him - albeit calling his Mum nasty names and telling her to "shut up" when she attempts to have words with him.
He is not ever physically disciplined, as I do not think this is the answer. When I talk to him and ask him why he does things wrong, he always confesses straight away and understands right from wrong - but then seems to revert to bad ways within days (sometimes hours) of being told off, despite having promised, seemingly sincerely, not to do it again.
We have tried taking things of value (playstation, etc) from him for a time, but he forgets about them after a couple of days and is not even bothered about having them back. We have also tried grounding him, rewarding good behaviour, behaviour charts and a child psychologist (she said he is insecure but could find no obvious reason why after 10 sessions).
He seems to want (and gets) a lot of cuddles and affection from me and my wife when he stays with us but does not seem to want the same thing from his relationship with his own Mum. Their relationship seems to be more 'familiar', the rows and lack of respect that he shows are volcanic but soon over, a bit 'brother and sister' like, in my opinion.
continued...........
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My ex is single so there is no day to day father figure to immediately correct him. I do my level best but feel quite inneffective when all the right words get said by my son when we talk, but he follows it up with even worse behaviour shortly afterwards.
Has anybody else got a son who's been like this and, if so, can you offer any advice? He is definately not on drugs and is regarded as an 'angel' by my side of the family - so bizzarre.
as I write this, it is obvious that his relationship with his Mum is quite strained and seems to be a common denominator to most of the trouble, but I have no influence, whatsoever, on things she may say or do that fuel any bad behaviour and a conversation always ends very, very quickly if I try to gently bring the topic up with her. My son says she "goes on all the time" and "repeats herself endlessly" - not sentiments I can argue with privately, but do not share these thoughts with my son.
It is fair to say that his Mum is very tired now and worn down by the behaviour and I feel that this is possibly encouraging his behaviour, as he may be viewing her as a 'nag' or similar and seems to be taking control in their house, as he is often arrogantly confident (absolutely false behaviour) and my ex seems 'mouse like' at times.
I need to do something that I a not presently doing, but dont know what it is - any ideas please?
Thanks
Has anybody else got a son who's been like this and, if so, can you offer any advice? He is definately not on drugs and is regarded as an 'angel' by my side of the family - so bizzarre.
as I write this, it is obvious that his relationship with his Mum is quite strained and seems to be a common denominator to most of the trouble, but I have no influence, whatsoever, on things she may say or do that fuel any bad behaviour and a conversation always ends very, very quickly if I try to gently bring the topic up with her. My son says she "goes on all the time" and "repeats herself endlessly" - not sentiments I can argue with privately, but do not share these thoughts with my son.
It is fair to say that his Mum is very tired now and worn down by the behaviour and I feel that this is possibly encouraging his behaviour, as he may be viewing her as a 'nag' or similar and seems to be taking control in their house, as he is often arrogantly confident (absolutely false behaviour) and my ex seems 'mouse like' at times.
I need to do something that I a not presently doing, but dont know what it is - any ideas please?
Thanks
Hello. I know how distressing it is to have a disruptive child.
Maybe your son still hasn't come to terms with his parents being in different places. I hope you didn't pay for the psychologist - anyone can tell you for free that he's insecure because he lacks a male parent at home!!
How do you know about his behaviour? I ask that, not for an answer but to make you step back and see your relationship with your ex-partner and son. It's almost a cliche that children of broken homes play their parents off against one another. Don't let this situation change into one where he begins to live where he finds life the easiest.
He badly needs consistency and strong boundaries which your ex-partner and you agree upon. You should all meet up and set some rules which are applied 100% every day WITHOUT FAIL!
The bottom line is that his mum has got to stand up for herself and be strong. The fact that she's probably telling you how badly he's behaving means that she's trying to offload some of the stress and responsibility onto you instead of dealing with situations as they arise.
You can't make him respect her - she has to earn it.
Some parents lose their authority by constantly entering into shouting matches with children which, in effect, is decending to their level. Conversations should take place in a calm and structured way and your son should be able to voice his thoughts.
Having said that (from my experience) children don't always have the vocabulary or life experience to say what they're really feeling.
It's at this point in a child's life they most need the strength and guidance of their parents - they badly need boundaries and predictable consequences. It's so hard because you're frightened you're going to lose them or that they won't love you but, believe me, they'll love you all the more for staying with it.
Maybe your son still hasn't come to terms with his parents being in different places. I hope you didn't pay for the psychologist - anyone can tell you for free that he's insecure because he lacks a male parent at home!!
How do you know about his behaviour? I ask that, not for an answer but to make you step back and see your relationship with your ex-partner and son. It's almost a cliche that children of broken homes play their parents off against one another. Don't let this situation change into one where he begins to live where he finds life the easiest.
He badly needs consistency and strong boundaries which your ex-partner and you agree upon. You should all meet up and set some rules which are applied 100% every day WITHOUT FAIL!
The bottom line is that his mum has got to stand up for herself and be strong. The fact that she's probably telling you how badly he's behaving means that she's trying to offload some of the stress and responsibility onto you instead of dealing with situations as they arise.
You can't make him respect her - she has to earn it.
Some parents lose their authority by constantly entering into shouting matches with children which, in effect, is decending to their level. Conversations should take place in a calm and structured way and your son should be able to voice his thoughts.
Having said that (from my experience) children don't always have the vocabulary or life experience to say what they're really feeling.
It's at this point in a child's life they most need the strength and guidance of their parents - they badly need boundaries and predictable consequences. It's so hard because you're frightened you're going to lose them or that they won't love you but, believe me, they'll love you all the more for staying with it.
I find it interesting that no one has suggested the son go live with his father. My brother has a son the same age and has the same issues. He rebells against his mom , school, chores, etc. She has asked for help and this is done via phone. When I suggested my brother move him to live with him, he looke at me like I was crazy. How can i raise him? I work blah blah. (Just like all the single moms I know) I
s this a viable option Finance Guy. Once he would be made to tow the line with you with the day in and day out things, his poor behavior may appear for you too. Kids do play one against the other. When you see him on breaks etc. it's probably fun, not "Do you homework, make your bed, take out the trash". I'd be well behaved for fun and no drudgery. Maybe an extended stay with you would open up new lines of communication and he could see his mum doing her parenting job, just like you.
s this a viable option Finance Guy. Once he would be made to tow the line with you with the day in and day out things, his poor behavior may appear for you too. Kids do play one against the other. When you see him on breaks etc. it's probably fun, not "Do you homework, make your bed, take out the trash". I'd be well behaved for fun and no drudgery. Maybe an extended stay with you would open up new lines of communication and he could see his mum doing her parenting job, just like you.
Fair and interesting answers so far, thankyou so much for taking the time.
EngTeach, I had a conversation with my wife about my eldest son living with me and she was very supportive. I too felt that an extended trip' that went beyond the 'honeymoon' period of thorpe park days out etc, would help to set some consistent boundaries and change his behavioural direction. When I put this to my ex (very gently) she felt threatened by it and felt that it was being suggested that she was a bad mum. I do not feel that this is the case, but do feel that she is losing control of him by her approach.
In summary, aside from getting more time than a long weekend every couple of weeks (a weeks visit due next week), I think that idea is a non starter right now, unless he gets a lot worse of course and forces the play in that direction.
Oldgrape - fair observation but not too many solutions being proposed.
PatsyQuinn: Agree with you 100% but have no clue how to adjust my ex's approach to my son. Her way is usually to shout, get frustrated, get angry then turn on the waterworks to gain a sympathy vote. In fairness, she is a soft hearted good lady but I know she handles him all wrong and seems to disproportionaltely reward mildly good behaviour whilst shouting at him for just being a mischevious boy sometimes.
EngTeach, I had a conversation with my wife about my eldest son living with me and she was very supportive. I too felt that an extended trip' that went beyond the 'honeymoon' period of thorpe park days out etc, would help to set some consistent boundaries and change his behavioural direction. When I put this to my ex (very gently) she felt threatened by it and felt that it was being suggested that she was a bad mum. I do not feel that this is the case, but do feel that she is losing control of him by her approach.
In summary, aside from getting more time than a long weekend every couple of weeks (a weeks visit due next week), I think that idea is a non starter right now, unless he gets a lot worse of course and forces the play in that direction.
Oldgrape - fair observation but not too many solutions being proposed.
PatsyQuinn: Agree with you 100% but have no clue how to adjust my ex's approach to my son. Her way is usually to shout, get frustrated, get angry then turn on the waterworks to gain a sympathy vote. In fairness, she is a soft hearted good lady but I know she handles him all wrong and seems to disproportionaltely reward mildly good behaviour whilst shouting at him for just being a mischevious boy sometimes.
Its the million dollar question as to how I get her approach to him to synchronise with mine. But, remember, it isn't just with her that he plays up - he does the same thing at school to pupils and teachers alike and that makes it a bit harder to pin down exactly 'why'. His only reason he ever gives is that he "gets frustrated sometimes at people" but cannot really articulate the reasons 'why' when pushed for an answer.
He is such a lovely sweet hearted boy with me, but this 'monster' he can be with others (behaviour that I have never actually seen or heard for myself) is confusing the heck out of me. It is very real, but so very remote from the relationship that I enjoy with him - I do hasten to add that it is not all icecreams and late nights at my house, he does do homework, helps with chores and eats sensibly, as well as having some fun of course
And no, I did not pay for the Psychologist. I, in fact felt morally obliged to tell her that she had been as much use as a chocolate fireguard as it goes. lol
I guess this is a hard one to answer as the one who perhaps should be asking the Q to you lovely people is my ex herself, but she doesnt ask for advice often as she does not really listen to it. I am trying to be impartial in my comments as possible, but it is fair to say that we parted for reasons not too far far removed from these characteristics, although I have always kept things amicable between us, for my sons sake.
Even if no defined solution comes from this, just interacting about it is actually helping to define my thoughts a lot more - so thankyou for that
He is such a lovely sweet hearted boy with me, but this 'monster' he can be with others (behaviour that I have never actually seen or heard for myself) is confusing the heck out of me. It is very real, but so very remote from the relationship that I enjoy with him - I do hasten to add that it is not all icecreams and late nights at my house, he does do homework, helps with chores and eats sensibly, as well as having some fun of course
And no, I did not pay for the Psychologist. I, in fact felt morally obliged to tell her that she had been as much use as a chocolate fireguard as it goes. lol
I guess this is a hard one to answer as the one who perhaps should be asking the Q to you lovely people is my ex herself, but she doesnt ask for advice often as she does not really listen to it. I am trying to be impartial in my comments as possible, but it is fair to say that we parted for reasons not too far far removed from these characteristics, although I have always kept things amicable between us, for my sons sake.
Even if no defined solution comes from this, just interacting about it is actually helping to define my thoughts a lot more - so thankyou for that
I think he is in the familiarity breeds contempt stage. His Mum is his everyday 'enforcer' and he spends lots of time at school too! You are correct that he is in the novelty stage when he visits. I think it is just different - not a better or worse approach by yourself . Sorry if that irritates you - these things look different written to spoken I'm afraid. In his biological life - depending on his build and genetics - it might be that he has only just got that lovely pre pubescent surge of testosterone.A clue for this is clumsyness, and a rapid growth phase. A lovely time for parents, near or far.
I have three button- pushers myself, that's when we use the term the Dark Years, lol. Be as supportive as you can - mainly -to your ex actually, as she has to able to vent to someone and you may be it for her!!! Even if you have to listen to it fifty times be nice ... it's a trust thing! She might feel she is being immensly disloyal to him if she rages at anyone else. Suck it up! Mr Sense works all over the world and now knows that when I vent I want him to listen and sympathise that's all. I am not problem sharing so that he can provide a diffinitive solution. It's a Mars/ Venus thing I'm afraid. Hope this helps I mean it as an insightful explanation not a solution. May the foce be with you ... lol
I have three button- pushers myself, that's when we use the term the Dark Years, lol. Be as supportive as you can - mainly -to your ex actually, as she has to able to vent to someone and you may be it for her!!! Even if you have to listen to it fifty times be nice ... it's a trust thing! She might feel she is being immensly disloyal to him if she rages at anyone else. Suck it up! Mr Sense works all over the world and now knows that when I vent I want him to listen and sympathise that's all. I am not problem sharing so that he can provide a diffinitive solution. It's a Mars/ Venus thing I'm afraid. Hope this helps I mean it as an insightful explanation not a solution. May the foce be with you ... lol
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