stepdaughter that won't stop.....HELP!!

[Schlomo78]

I have a stepdaughter who is 8, I have a son with her dad who is 15 months old-the son, not the dad,lol.
The trouble is he sees her once a month as she lives with her mum the other end of the country, she is youngest of 3 and very babied, she will not however and never has left our son alone-don't get me wrong, when he was a baby she loved him and wanted to help and feed him, but thought of him as a doll (to be expected i guess) we told her and told her to not pull him around or try to pick him up but she insisted on trying to do so (mainly when her dad wasn't in the room) I have had words with her several times but she does not listen and i am loathe to alienate her as her dad is with our son all the time and i know she must be jealous...he started walking at 9 m and she has been nothing but nasty since she knows hes not a bairn, its easy to say dont leave her alone with him but i just have to look the other way and she has picked him up and dropped him or pushed him over (twice ive seen this and her dad has not disciplined her properly)
I feel for her but my son was born not breathing and had suspected brain damage, she came here and was here for 4 hrs-still she could not behave herself, picked him up in front of us and ran with him, then dropped him, straight on his face, he screamed and screamed and i cried as i was so upset that my son may have been hurt.
what can i do??!! I have said that i cannot have her in the house now as i am worried about our son, she has no idea of the consequenses that might happen f she drops him, i feel bad but at the end of the day why should i risk my sons life/wellbeing because she cannot simply behave for a matter of hrs. I know she must see her dad still, its not an option as i know a child needs their father coming from a broken home myself- it is hard as he is gone the whole w/e driving back and forward to pick her up and take her back-what happens when our son becomes resentful because of this??!!

[banjosister]

Hey Schlomo,

I really feel for you here. It is a very hard situation to be in, having had stepchildren I can understand.

I think that you should not be shouldering all the responsibility for this. What has your partner said about the situation?

I think it would make more sense for your partner to speak to his daughter about this as she is much more likely to take it onboard coming from him than from you.

I wish you all the best. Being a parent is hard, being a step parent is even harder.

I used to find that I was more protective of my step children than of my own. Mostly because I did not want to alienate them or make them feel uncomfortable in our home.

I have split up with this partner now but still have contact with his daughter who is now 23.

BB xx

[spudqueen]

I know that this girl probably spends a lot of time in the car with her Father, but do they do anything together when he has brought her to your home? Just simple things like a trip to the cinema, McDonalds or to the park so she has a bit of time to have her Dad to herself. It may be that she feels a bit of an intruder into her Dads 'other' family. She may not see the journeys as 'her' time and maybe needs 'her time' while she is with you. Or maybe you could try doing something with her that is more 'grown up' than your son can do, like baking. Try and make a bit of a fuss of her so that she feels the time spent with you has been for her benefit. Also do emphasis that your son is her baby brother (eg if you baked some biscuits you could ask her to choose one to give to her brother).

Do remember though that sibling rivaly is always there - especially when the younger child is able to move about and 'get at' the older childs things!