No Friends at School

[shortstop]

My wife and I were told last night at parent evening that my 10 year old son is very sad at school.

He spends all playtimes crying and has no friends to play with. He cries during lessons when things go wrong as well. This started after Xmas this year but their is no indication of bullying.

His school work, they said, is excellent so no worries there, it's just that he seems so unhappy

This has come as a complete shock to the pair of us because he has not said anything to either of us about being unhappy (The complete opposite, he says he loves school, but just has no friends).

We have noticed that he has become a bit grumpy over the last couple of weeks and has started answering back to everything.........He used to be such a happy little lad and we just want that same boy back again

I admit that we have probably been a little overprotective of him over the years because we were both bullied at school (Albeit many years ago now).

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated as this is breaking our hearts.

[B00]

Oh the poor little thing!

I can't offer practical advice (sorry!) but i just wanted to let you know that I feel for you. Mini Boo hasn't even started school yet, but it would also break my heart if she didn't have friends to pay with whilst there.

I guess all you can do is sit him down and really try to talk to him. Find out why he hasn't any friends. Did he used to have some? Did they fall out over something? Can this be rectified?

Good luck!!

[shortstop]

To add to the post.....Thier are NO problems at home between my wife and I.

He has a loving home environment and a 6 year old brother.

he is a young 10year old however, probably because he is so close to his younger brother....they dote on each other.

[shortstop]

We are going to have another chat with him about it tonight, but are not going to make a really big deal about it.

He has had friends, but his "BEST" friend when he was young was a girl......I have a feeling she might have grown apart from him.

Someone has said to us that they think he is over stimulated by reading too much (Doubt that) or computer games (Possible).

Overstimulation can cause mood swings alledgedly...but I'm no shrink!!!!

[andrea81]

So sorry to hear that, It's not easy worrying about your child like this as we all want the best for our children and thinking he's not happy must break your heart.

Well the only advice I've got is that my niece was very timid and was being left out by he so called friends. In the end my sister took her to a dance class outside of school where she became friends with other children of similar interest. It gave her a lot of confidence to go to school and not get walked over!

She's much happier now and also as she has now gone to comprehencive school, she feels that she has more firends to choose from that are similar to her

Take care and keep you chins up x

[B00]

I can't see how reading too much can be over stimulating!

I don't understand why the school has waited till now to tell you this? I'd be furious with them for knowingly letting my child cry each playtime and not letting me know!

Perhaps making an appointment to see his class teacher to voice your concerns might help?

I agree, don't make it into too much of a big deal with your son.

[annie0000]

That is so sad, I guess the problem is probably being made worse by the fact that he is crying - what 10 year old boy wants to be seen playing with a crybaby - as they would put it.

You need to break the cycle - the suggestion about joining a club is a good one - I would choose something like cubs or scouts where he actually gets placed in a small group to do activities rather than something like football where the kids don't actually talk to each other that much.

Do you and your wife socialise much or are you pretty isolated in the family unit as well? It will be harder for him to be sociable and make friends if this isn't something that he sees you doing. Maybe you could all join something to widen your social circle. Try to make friends with people who have children your sons age so that you have someone you could invite round.

Is there anyone in his school that he would like to be friends with - maybe you could help him out a bit and invite them round to play.

Could you think about getting him a pet? Animals can really boost a childs confidence and if you could get his teacher to include his pet in a lesson, it might spark a bit of interest among the other kids who might want to hold or pet it.

And I know that he is quite young, but is there a chance he is starting puberty and is getting a rush of hormones?

I hope that you get something sorted out, I would keep talking to him, but not necessarily about school etc - if the lines of communication are open, he may just let you know if there is something behind his unhappiness.

Good luck.

[shortstop]

Thanks all for your kind words.

BOO - We are livid that they didn't tell us earlier....it was half term last week and we could have used that time more productively, and we have already arranged to speak to his teachers in a couple of weeks.

Annie - He joined a Tae Kwon Do class a little while ago and we are hoping this will help...he loves this, but other clubs might be good. He's tried football club but he's just not that good....horrible to say but it's the truth. He's more academic/musical/artistic than sporty, so I think that doesn't help his perseption amongst his peers.

We are also lucky as a family to have a large circle of friends with kids and we do all mix at times. Will make more of an effort to arrange days out I think.

We are probably making more of this than we should inside our own heads but we only want the best for him.....I'm sure he'll be fine.

Think we'll cut down on his Playstation sessions first just to see if that helps, he's a typical 10 year old in that respect and would play it all day if he could....

[cazzz1975]

Hi there

We had this with our daughter over a few years , she was very unhappy and similar to your son (saying she liked school)

she is a very sensitive girl and apart from being ignored by class members some people were also being mean to her. It wasnt a very good school either which didnt help, anyway my advice is to stay in touch with whats happening,

try to open communication channels with your son, he is not telling you what is happening for a reason it may be
* he thinks you will be disappointed that he cannot make friends easily
*he may think you are too busy to listen to his problems and get involved
*he may feel that its his fault that he cannot make friends

An important thing I have done with my daughter is to maintain a very open communication, I know about everything that is going on.
make an appointment with the school and discuss some options, maybe there is a way of changing this, my daughters school did a circle time where they all spoke about their feelings (in little groups) making her classmate aware of how her mean comments affected her life.
(this worked very well!)
be supportive of him, be the person in his corner, it might be good if he tried joining an after school club like football or self defence, this will boost his confidence

and finally always show him that you are listening, (Im sure you do anyway!!) but this is very important to kids that they know that you are interested in their life,

If they are happier then they will settle down and make friends easier, as long as you keep that communication channel open so he knows he can confide in you then things will improve

[cazzz1975]

If he is not the footballer type, its worth identifying some suitable friends in his class who have similar interests, why not move his seating at school to sit with children who are similar to himself?

they did this at my sons school because he was scared of one particular boy, he now is a lot happier and sits with 3 very quiet children

[Fairie]

Poor little man, children are tough little cookies though, its probably bothering you more than him, but as other people have said keep the lines of communication open between yourselves and him, he will tell you eventually what is bothering him, also it wass a good move letting him go to martial arts lessons.

I wish you all the luck in the world

[abi..x]

maybe you could try and get him to invite someone round for tea afterschool or if he has a birthday coming up, get him to invite a few from school, this way he will have to talk to them and they could become really good friends, he might just be shy to go up and talk. hope he cheers up soon!!

[shortstop]

Cheers for all your kind words and help.......He seems a bit happier now that this has all come out. I think he feels a weight has been lifted a bit.

No instant change on the friend front but he does semm a bit happier.

He's just passed a grading at Tae Kwon Do so thats helped cheer him up and yesterday was chosen to play the Artful Dodger in the schools production of Oliver Twist....hoping he'll make more friends here as well.

Thanks again.

[annie0000]

Excellent news shortstop - hopefully everything is on the up for him now. Whilst it is great or them to have a circle of friends to call on, sometimes that just doesn't happen for whatever reason. As long as he is happy and doesn't feel excluded, I would be happy with that for now. We do worry so much about our offsping don't we - its makes me appreciate what my parents went through with us now that I have my own kids.