custody

[Fairie]

Hi everyone,
I have a quick question, My husbands son (my step-son) who is 14 years old has asked if can he live with us, he gets on really well with my children and i have no problem with him moving in at all, we agreed saying whenever he wanted to it would be fine by us, he then asked his mum who said no, obviously being 14 this ended in an argument and him storming off, she then summoned him back home via mobile phone conversation and he went home, the thing is I have heard 3rd hand that she informed him she had legal custody until he is 18 and he must live with her or she will take his dad to court (which worried him as he does not want to cause trouble). Is she right? Does he have any right to choose at 14 years old? I suspect she is more worried about he family allowance!

[beck07]

Hi, this exact same thing happened with my mum, my step dad and his son. My step brother is 13 but was 12 at the time and he decided he wanted to live with my mum and step dad as they see him old enough to make that decision.
His mum was a total nutter and it did get dragged through the courts first of all as she was stopping my step dad seeing him, but they let him make up his own mind..
Even if there is tention between the parents, if the child says he wants to live with his dad, my personal opinion is to give the child what he wants!
Good luck x

[dot.hawkes]

Hi Fairie
I think what you need to bear in mind is that any benefit payment his Mum gets would legally transfer to your household, and whilst that may sound a callous comment, the Mum is probably reliant on that income.
Possibly she is also healous of your relationship and is doing this out of spite, i cannot imagine she is genuinely concerned with the boy's wishes, if she was she would not react the way she has but would arrange things so that he could spend time with your family and her that suits all and she would also be thinking of the future relationships.
If he stays on at college she will get benefits for him til he is 18/19 depending on his birthdate. If he wants to leave school at 16 these will stop soon afterwards, I would imagine her plans are set on him living with her and bringing in benefits til he is 18 or so, but there is no reason he cannot live at your address whilst she gets the benefits, if that is her main concern and you can afford to cloth and feed him.

[froggequene]

I think you should disregard any gossip you've heard from other people, they may mean well but what they've heard may not be accurate or true. You might also want to consider that you're stepson is in a strop with his mother for whatever reason at the moment.

Perhaps Dad should discuss this the child's mother, if he's already done so, if the child really wants to live with you & you're all in agreement, then maybe Dad should take Mum to court, speak to a solicitor about gaining custody

[francesca01]

i think you and your husband made a big mistake by agreeing to your step son moving in, without first discussing it with his mum, i'm not surprised she said no!

[Fairie]

Hi

It wasn't as overnight as it seemed to be, he has been asking for months can he come to live with us and spends most of the time at ours during school hols and weekends,

My husband does not speak to his ex-wife at all and all communication is done through the kids. He is the youngest child of 3, the middle child is a girl and is 16 years old, she too has said she'd rather live with us.

[cazzaz]

You should take into consideration that the boy and his sister are teenagers and we all know what they can be like! As you and your husband are not the full time carers its possible that they may think the grass is greener in your camp as its not you dishing out the dicipline on a daily basis.

[figure]

Good point Cazzzz.

[Fairie]

I have given lots of thought for the reasons why he feels the grass would be greener and suspect it is that the grass is infact greener, here they have plasma tvs, ps3, dvd's, computers, internet, sky tv, are treated with the respect they deserve and not just told what to do. Besides which I also have a teenager and a boy on the verge of teenage years so i know the difference between a strop and a decision.

[froggequene]

The 16 year old is probably in a better position if she simply ups sticks & moves in with you as a child can leave home at 16 but someone must remain legally responsible for her. Either the parents have a truce & discuss it, or you involve a solicitor.

Please don't take this wrong way, but I'm the child of parents who don't speak & I'm already dreading the day I get wed, it's not fair to the kids to make them the messengers, the children don't need that level of involvement in their parents communications, may I suggest your partner finds another way to communicate with his ex? The messenger is frequently the one who bears the worst of recipients temper

[bednobs]

i Can't belive that you haven't considered what a mum might feel if their child told them they no longer wanted to live with them!
You attribute the family allowance reason as the reason why she dosent want him o move but have you ever considered ow devastating it might be for your child to tell you that he or she no longer wants to live with you (what if your children said this, how would you feel???)

it might seem like she is being reactive and not thinking of what is best for her son, but one can hardly blame her, being dealt such a blow as this which must be utterly devastating for her and it's not surprising she is lashing out y saying things like this. not everbody can think rationally in this situation, and of course she is going to see it differently from you!!!

Also, in a list of things that are important in life i personally would put being respected over having a plasma tv and a playstation, but then again i'm not a teenager!

[Fairie]

thanks for your answers it helps to get different dimensions when trying to think something this important through, but the more i think about it the more i think he is old enough to make his own decision, he has decided to stay with his mum and see how things go for a while and come here at weekends.

However, this may have provided them with a starting point for them to discuss their problems, as i think they have many!

froggequene, just thought i'd say thanks for your comments, but i dont think anyone can help mum and dad speak again, its been years and i think at weddings etc, they will just stay away from each other! theres no arguing between them but i guess thats cause they dont speak! lol