How do I stop being angry with my 13 year old daughter

[HJT40]

who has landed me with a �300 mobile phone bill for one month?

My fault for letting her have a contract phone I know. However, we have been over the costs on a couple of occassions. I have now taken the phone away from her but I am tied to a contract for another year.

There are so many things that I could have done with the money (that I don't have!) and I am just so angry with her I can barely have a civil conversation with her on be in the same room as her.

[ojread2]

It's difficult isn't it? I remember when my then 14 yr old stole money from my bank account, I couldn't be civil with her for a number of days because I was so angry, but your anger will subside. Maybe tell her you are very angry and it may take a couple of days for it to subside?

On the issue of her having a phone, is there a really old PAYG she could use for now? An embarrassingly old one would be best ;-)

I realise you are tied in for the next 12 months with her contract, but maybe you could get a payment plan set up if you explain you have taken the phone away from the source that runs up �300 bills?

What punishment have you given her just out of nosey curiosity? LOL

[HJT40]

Thank you ojread2! It would be so easy for someone to tell me that its my own fault etc (which of course it is) but you have been kind enough not to do that.

I have an embarrasing payg phone, but still have to get a card, then of course I will be paying for that as well!

The provider have stopped my direct debit and they said as soon as it showed as not being paid then they could discuss payment plans. I just wish I had ended the contract when they lost the phone the other month when it was in for mending, which I could have done because they did not keep to their side of the contract.

Punishment is no phone, endless housework, no computer, grounded for a long time and not going to the states with her friend when she goes to visit her dad this summer.

[ojread2]

Well it;s your own fault! LMAO Not really, it is she who is responsible for the bill, not you. After all she has to become responsible at some point and the best way is to start learning about the value of money

You could probably get a free sim card? o2, T-mobile, orange etc will all have them. After she has paid off her �300 she can then do chores to pay for the PAYG perhaps? Or, if you give her pocket money, maybe up her allowance for a monthly amount out of which she must pay for the phone? I ended up doing that with my daughter after it started to cost me �20 a week to top her phone up. Oh there were whinges and whines, but I stuck to my guns and she learnt a good lesson :)

Can I just make one comment about her punishment?

Now, I know what she did was wrong, totally and is going to cost �300 but, I feel the punishment is just a little to harsh. In effect you have punished her 5 times for one offence - if you see what I mean. (This is a big thing for me, sorry. One punishment per offence) Yes, absolutely remove her phone and she must of course pay back the �300 by doing chores etc but I feel taking away the holiday is just a little to harsh. I know you said all this in anger when you got her bill, but could you re-think the holiday? I assume form the way you phrase it you and her dad are separated? She won't see that as punishment for the phone bill. It will become, in her mind anyway, you stopping her enjoying herself at her dads. I am not judging you or telling you for one minute you *should* give that one back, but I would urge you to. Once your anger has subsided, I think you may feel bad about the amount of punishment you have given her :) If you explain why you are giving it back, she will accept everything else for what it is - paying back your �300.

I hope this has come out OK - sometimes the meaning can get lost behind the written word and I mean it in the best way possible :

[4getmenot]

You can keep contract and put a limit on it still.

[4GS]

I love kids but I couldn't eat a whole one ;-)

Remember what you were like as a teenager? were you perfect and never put a thing wrong?


Kids will be kids, I'll bet she's feeling rotten that her beloved parent can't bring her/himself to talk to her.

Lighten up, forgive her, put it down to experience.

You know sometime in the future you will both sit down and laugh at what she's done.

go on, give her a cuddle!!!

[HJT40]

Thanks again oj,

I think I may have confused you, it would not be her dad she is visiting, but her friends dad. But I explained that she would need spending money and I would not have any to give her, also car needs mot, tax etc soon. But perhaps I am throwing punishments at her because I want her to feel bad about what she has done.

4getmenot,

It is on the lowest limit possible now and will be until the contract runs out. But I would not trust her to keep to the limit, she has proved that she knows her limits and goes over them, 122 text messages in one day to one person, surely she must have known she was pushing it then.

Her reasoning (given to her grandad) is that her computer wasn't working.

[4getmenot]

you dont have to trust her to, you call the provider and they put limit on so she cant use it if she reaches that limit

[HJT40]

4getmenot,

I will check with vodafone if they do that, someone told me that they didn't but 02 do,

Thanks

[ojread2]

Ah, my apologies - I misread that bit.

122 txts to the same person is a lot of texts - would have been cheaper to call. Is it a boy I wonder?

I would wait for my anger to subside and then tell her you would like to speak to her and set aside a time to have a good long chat - and bite your tongue, a lot LOL.

I think all mums of teens go through something like this. It's tough being 12,13,14,15,16 and sometime beyond. You have no idea what it is you're supposed to think and feel and everyday sees a new pimple on your chin, which is a majour disaster in your teens :).

I think we do forget what it's like to be a teen and it's not until we start to sound like our mothers that we stop to think.

I agree with 4GS, you will remember this with fondness and a laugh. When she rises form her pit, give her a big hug, explain you are still angry, but assure her it will be OK

[jake-the-peg]

I don't know your daughter but is sounds to me as if she doesn't yet have a realistic idea of the value of money.

Specifically the cost of mobile phones and the value of �300 in your familly.

Either that or she did it maliciously - let's assume not.

In giving her the ability to run up that bill you assuimed that she did understand these things and are now presumably feeling as much let down by the fact that she did not.

Personally I'd tend not to be quite so harsh on the punishment but to concentrate more on making sure that she does learn the value of these things.

Why don't you work out a budget and make it part of her pocket money - then she can choose whether she spends it on phone calls or other things.

That way she'll start to have to make decisions based on the value of money and learn.

[andy-hughes]

As father to three daughters, including attendent mobile issues with the youngest, I sympathise deeply.

Part of the problem is a generation gap. I try to accept that young people today are not as they were when I was that age - and amen to that - but the obsesssion with spending hours on the mobile passes me by totally. I guess when i was that age, we congregated in each other's houses and chatted face to face.

That said, I think your daughter has fallen for the cunning mobile company trap of 'free minutes and texts' sold on the basis that youngsters are incapable of the discipline needed to keep within time and financial contsraints when using their phones.

I think she will have had a sharp shock, but the punishment must fit the 'criime'. I would therefore re-instate the USA trip, with severe lectures about 'next time', and then move on.

We all make mistakes, that's why they put rubbers on the end of pencils - te trick is to make sure our chil;dren learn from theirs.

Good luck.