Problem with parents...

[soonny]

I know this place is strictly for parenting, but I guess that's also why I should post it here since most of ya'll are parents yourself. I'm a 20 year old medical student and I'm gonna turn 21 in a few weeks time. Ever since my dad started working overseas, he seldom comes home (at most 3 months a year) and this has been going on for years. My only sibling has migrated and we seldom keep in touch as well. Now what's left at home is nothing but me and my mom. I know I shouldn't say this but I think she is being too protective till today! She would freak out and storm my cell phone if I'm not back by 10, carefully select friends for me, won't allow me to date (which I did secretly behind her back), and the last time I wanted to travel she even stole my set of keys!! I told her I can't live like this and I plan to move out due to my chaotic study schedule. Moving close to my college would be best for me but she is doing everything to stop me. Gosh I feel like I'm going crazy around her. Help!!

[Philtaz]

From you pen picture I am guessing you're of Asian descent? From this I can only guess your mother falls into the stereotypical role as seen on the TV programme Goodness Gracious Me! Serioulsy you've just got to explain to her that you are entering e profession where serious demands will be made of your time and that you just won't be at home as much as she'd like. It's just that some parents always see their children as just that- children(regardless of their age) and still do their utmost for them and to protect them.

[soonny]

Well yes I'm an Asian... Wow, I guess it must be very typical for asians to have this kinda problem. I've tried explaining to her many times, but she never listens.

[andy hughes]

Some parents take the feeling of protection, which is inbuilt from the birth of their child, and never make the necessary adjustments to allow that child to grow. As a parent, I would love to save my children from every hardm that might befall them, but I accept that they are grown-ups and must find out for themselves. If your mum refuses to listen to you, she may have to learn the hard way. Moving away from her will force her to see you as the adult that you are, and hopefully she can adjust her perspective of you as her child, which you will always be, but also as a free-thinking adult like herself, and not someone who's life she can supervise and control. In her defence, she sees her last 'role' as a parent slipping away, and is trying to hang on to those familiar feelings for her own security, but this isn;t helping either of you. Be loving, but very firm with your new approach, and she will eventually have to accept that you are grown up.

[woofgang]

no, its not typical of asians, its typical of mums with one child and no other outlets. Can you find her clubs or groups to go to to make some friends? Could she travel sometimes with your dad or get a job, paid or voluntary? I agree with my colleagues that its time to take the control away from your mum but nicely if you can. If she is actually at the stage of stealing your keys then she may need some professional help to deal with her (not your)issues. I do wonder a bit (and no offence intended) if your dad's job overseas and your brothers migration have anything at all to do with your mum's behaviour? You can have the control here. If she wants to stay in touch with you (and potential grand children!) then she must play the game by your rules. In return, you will phone her and visit, give her the number of your (new) cellphone and generally keep her in your life. BTW I have a cellphone with programmable rings so that you can tell who's calling...v useful. Last suggestion is that you could show her this discussion and comment upon how sad it is when things get to this state..."of course things woulds never be like this between you and me mum, you have more sense and I wouldn't tolerate it...."

[soonny]

She has her own friends and one of her hobbies is golfing. But that didn't really stopped her from being all 'possessive' if I may use that word. But if you'd ask me, I think having my dad overseas and also my brother migrated really made her the way she is now. And sigh... I could see my parents growing further apart each day when they stopped doing things together, less talking to one another and they don't even sleep in the same room anymore! I don't know if that's a common thing to happen to couples over 50, but I don't think it's a good sign. :( Should I get her a dog or something? :p

[woofgang]

no its not common over fifty in my experience. How about getting her a pet that needs LOADS of fussing over, can take it and has status, like a pedigree persian cat

[Birchy]

Good on you soonny! You sound like a sensible guy who cares about what is going on in his family. Please promote this among all of your friends! The pet-as-son-substitute may not work, but maintaining the relationship by talking, and being honest, has to be a positive strategy. She also has to meet you much of the way. You cannot expect to crack this when you are the only one showing respect for the situation. How about leaving around the Parentline Plus number (0808 800 2222). She may also need to talk to anonymous and confidential people, who may help her to look at both sides of the coin.

[ianess]

Your nationality has nothing to do with it You are virtually an adult and want your independance while your mum still sees you as her baby. It`s all part of the natural process. You won`t really miss her til she`s gone and then it`s too late if you get my meaning. It`ll all come good eventually.

[Wisebird]

Your Mum, unknowingly, seems to be using you as a substitute for your father. I have seen this happen in several marriages where the parents are not close. My mother and father did not get on at all and I was an only child. My mother directed all her attention to me and made me the focus of her life. She hated every boyfriend I had, never liked my husband, and even now that I am in my 50's thinks she should come first in my life before my husband and son. It is very sad. I think you should break those strings as soon as possible. You have a life to lead. Your Mum will cope and come to terms with things and hopefully you will achieve a good, more adult relationship with her. Good luck.

[soonny]

Thanks Anniekon! Hearing it from a woman my mother's age was really liberating. All my life I kept asking who's fault was it and I guess it wasn't mine alone! ;) Looks like I'll be moving out afterall.

[Wisebird]

Good Luck Soonny. I am trying really hard to not follow in my mother's footsteps with my only child, 21 year old son. So hard, in fact, that I keep encouraging him to go out and get all he can from the world out there. He is now away at Uni. I weep inside sometimes for the 'boy' he used to be. But I know that is selfish. Someone wisely said to me that if you let your children go they will always remain in your life. Be gentle with your mum 'cos, as a 50 year old with a lovely son myself, I do know how she feels. Have a lovely life and remember to always keep in touch with her.xxxxx

[wog]

Anniekon is all moonshine, soonny. You are an Asian and I am a Trinidadian and I live in Bury Park, Luton, where a lot of other people similar to us live. This is what Anniekon, who also posts as smudge, really thinks of us: Luton is the S**t hole of the Universe, especially the Bury Park area, in fact I don't think it's part of England anymore is it? smudge Thurs 19/08/04 Then to confirm that it was racist the following exchange took place Enlighten me about Bury Park please! Lodekka Thurs 19/08/04 Lodekka, if I did I'd be classed as a racist, so I'd best not elaborate any further! smudge Thurs 19/08/04

[FP]

Soonny, If you had been on this site in recent months you would realise that the person called w0g who has posted this about me has been a troublemaker for some time. He/she picks on people and then takes great pleasure trying to upset them. I only post as Anniekon and yesterday said I would not be posting again. However, seeing this today has led to this one more posting. My answer to you was genuine. And by the way, I am married to an immigrant, so this person has singled me out quite wrongly as being racist! I realise now, however, that this person is only a child, so perhaps some parental supervision is needed here with their internet access.

[wog]

All of which is just a bare-faced lie. The "immigrant" is in fact Irish. However, Anniekon/smudge has issued an invitation as follows: "We live in Dunstable, Beds, which is a small town. We have an ambulance station, fire station, magistrates court, library, college, leisure centre with two swimming pools, several night clubs. Having said all that,we have a beautiful thatched roof pub/restaurant a few doors away from our house, so if you're passing..... smudge Thurs 19/08/04" A group of us from Bury Park are now studying at a College at the end of Anniekon/smudge's street, and are hoping to find time next Friday to visit as invited. It is an open invitation, so if you are near, soonny, you and your friends can join with us if you wish.

[roomby]

Soony, you seem to understand & have a lot of sympathy for your mum's motives for trying to hang on to you, but I wonder if you've told her? Maybe a conversation along the lines of 'i understand that it probably feels like I'm the last one left and that it's hard for you to let me go, but you are driving me away'. You'll need to be firm about your plans but let her know that you will still be in touch and see her often (you sound as though you will). Perhaps you could even make a committment, such as I'll come home every other Sunday or something? For both of you, you need to make the break as easy as possible. If she realises that she's not going to lose you, she might find it easier to give you some leeway? Good luck.

[soonny]

Well I already told her of my decision and although she disagrees with it I think everything should turn out fine in the end. I also promised her that I'll be coming home every friday nights and weekends so that we don't grow too far apart. :) Thanks everybody for all your advice.

[koolkid110]

ok be4 i type my opinion i'd like 2 say that i hav nothing against a mother loving her daughter alot ok now i hav no idea where to begin ur mom needs 2 get real ur 20 and u still live with her? thats flat out crazy most ppl r gonna get marid by 20 home by 10? thats a curfue for 17 year old. ur 20 ur suppose to be clubbin by 9 with WHO EVER YOU WANT then gettin to UR OWN HOUSE aound 12:00 maby 12:30 at nite then stay up till 2 talkin to UR SOON TO BE HUSBAND then goin 2 bed around 1 then wake up at 6 the next morening to go to collage. wat ur moms doin is PATHETIC! ok i'm really sry but its true alrite so good luck scorein some freedom

[???]

SHE FELLS LIKE SHE IS GOING TO LOSE YOU ALSO. DONT TAKE THIS NONSENCE SERIOUS. SHE JUST FEELS LONELY AND NEEDS YOU. THE BEST THING TO DO IS FOR YOU TO MOVE CLOSER TO YOUR COLLEGE BUT STILL HAVE TIME TO SPEND TIME WITH HER.

[Wisebird]

Koolkid, Do you really think all people are thinking of getting married at 20!!! Soonny is at college and hopefully will be having lots of fun and doing lots more with his life before he starts settling down.

[secretspirit]

Just arrange to move out and present it to her as a fait accompli. You've been an adult for 2 years so you don't need her permission. I think you have to be cruel to be kind so go out, have fun, have girlfriends, switch off your mobile and don't ask her permission to do any of it!!!!! She'll get used to it in the end.