what can i do for my 7 year old?

[onlyme26]

Hi guys,

Im having a bit of trouble lately, its hard to explain when you dont know me or my child but ill try anyway....

im having trouble getting her to do as she is told, its becoming a nightmare to be honest.
she has got a very outgoing and independant personallity which is one of the things i admire and love most about her but lately she just will not do anything i say, she wont go to bed, she wont get up in the morning, i have to ask her 10 times to do anything, she is no angel but we have always been so close, we are very very close.

i got really upset this morning and i didnt want her to see so i was in the bathroom but then she came in and part of me wanted her to feel guilty so then maybe she will stop be naughty :o( i have already thought of one thing..... im making a chart for the wall and when she is naughty she gets 2 chances and then a sticker on the chart and things will be taken off her, no pocket money, no sweets, no pudding, i just hope it works, but has anyone got any other ideas, i feel like i cant cope, she is the same with her dad if not worse towards him, we really need to sort this out,

the other thing was... she is good as gold in school, never naughty, never cheeky, always does as the teacher says, he has nothing but nice things to say, she is good for everyone really but me and her dad!!!

dont get me wrong when she is good she is the nicest child and so loving, like i said we are really close, but when she is naughty SHE IS NAUGHTY

any ideas???

thanks guys xxx

[redcrx]

at 7 im hoping she still believes in father christmas?

How about he writes her a warning letter, saying that he'd like her to try and be good for mum and dad because he gets reports about all the good and naughty children?

[onlyme26]

yes she does, she is very excited about xmas, her dad said if she didnt stop being naughty santa wouldnt come, but she justs cheeky and says, "yes he will"

that is a good idea, just worried it will turn sour and she may get worse????

worth a try i guess, i could even post it so she doesnt suspect anything??

yeah good plan ill talk it over with her dad

thanks xx

[Susie26]

Hi, I had a very similar problem with my daughter who is 5. She was starting to be bad at home and was very good at school. I think at school there are very clear guidelines which do not change. We seem to be turning a corner. It has been really hard but since I have come up with consistent rules myself , ie she will get one warning for bad behaviour and no more and then if she does something again she gets to sit on the stairs for 5 mins and if she cannot sit nicely and then stop the behaviour she then gets something good that is coming her way stopped. Eg she may have a party that she is not allowed to go to , going to bed earlier , not being allowed her treats for the week , not watching her favourite show. I have have a chart as well for when she is really good when she gets to 10 stickers she is allowed to pick from a few things. Like win back something from an earlier punishment ie she can go to the party, or she can have some money to buy sweets on Sunday etc. I dont think what you do really matters I really think being consistent even when it is really is tough and not convenient. Good Luck with whatever you do.

[Panic Button]

Is there something else that is upsetting her?

Is she being bullied at school, or quietly upset by some domestic tension?

There may be some cause that you are not aware of.

[redcrx]

perhaps if it starts now then maybe she will get into a better habit by the time christmas has passed and she wont revert back to being naughty.

what time does she go to bed? is she getting enough sleep?

as for getting up, Id be inclined to make her get up at the same time every day, even weekends until she realises that staying up late does not mean a lie in in the morning.

good luck with the sticker chart, i got one from sainsburys which also had a dry wipe chart which we stuck on the fridge.

[onlyme26]

well she is very happy at school, has loads of friends, i only work till 3 so i get to pick her up, and her teacher is happy and she comes out laughing with her friends, so there is no problem at school,

i do need to be more consistant with rules i guess, i am too soft i think.

she goes to bed same time every night and i wake her up same time every morning, its just lately she is playing up and not going to bed till later which is prob the reason for not wanting to get up in the morning!!

thanks for the answer guys, i will defo start the chart tho, i will have a good and bad column and be strict with it, i really think it will work if i mean business!! i think i have been too soft and now she realises she gets away with it she is pushing me, where as at school like susie said they have strict and consistant guidelines which the kids respect and follow.

THANKS XX

[Panic Button]

Be careful not to go too much down the punishment route.

A bit like training a dog, you will get better results in rewarding good behaviour.

[onlyme26]

Thanks panic that is good advice, tho i think im too soft to go overboard with the punishment, i think if i make a big deal out of when she is good she may be more inclined to be good!! lol xx

[katerich48]

One of the nanny programmes (can't remember which one) used to advise putting them in a room and locking the door - not their bedroom where they can play but a room where they have no toys and would be bored absolutely stupid ..obviously you would put them somewhere where there was no way they could come to any harm in that particular room... and come back after 10 mins or so and ask them if they are going to behave - if not give it a bit longer... The other thing as they all say is consistancy, its a battle of the wills at the end of the day.. But as you can see you're not alone

[angiebaby57]

Hi there...Sorry to hear that you are having a few problems. I am a qualifed Nursery Nurse with over 20 yrs experience and a mother of 2 teenage children. I hope I can offer some help!
First of all do not tell her ten times! Tell her once and then ignore her - be clear about the consequences if she does not comply first time and make sure that you carry them out. Make sure that you and her father are totally united in your approach at all times - do not threaten her with her Dad! That will show her that you are weaker that him and need his intervention.
As for the wall chart - yes a great idea....but NOT for negatives! Reward all her positive behaviours and reward them with stickers or smiley faces - let her put them on the chart. Try as much as possible to ignore negative behaviours so that she does not get any unwarranted attention - go over the top with recognising positive and good behaviours. It is okay to tell her you love her, but that you do not like her when she behaves in such a way.
Do not argue with her - you are the adult and you are in charge. Pick your consequence to match the behaviour and make sure that when she is more rational that you explain why she had a consequence and give her the opportunity to apologise and talk through her behaviour with you. You will have to be consistent and strong and she will need to be put in her place - this will not be easy but it does work. Never shout as again this is a reaction that she will be looking for - if anything, speak in a more quiet, calmer tone but make sure she knows that you mean what you say!
Hope this helps - stick at it or else you will allow the problem to grow and will end up with a very difficult adolescent. Please keep in touch and let me know if you need any moral support, Angela. x

[onlyme26]

hi angiebaby, thank you very much for your response, it all sounds great advice,

i dont argue with her, her dad did but i told him not to anymore, like you said, he is the adult, he tells her to do something end of, dont argue,

the only thing i will struggle with is, getting her to bed, if i tell her to go to bed once and she ignores me she would litterally stay up for hours!! i could say to her i would take something away if she didnt or she would have no pocket money but she would still stay up :o(

i totally agree and i have tried this stratagy before but i need to be more persistant,

as for locking in a room katerich, i see your point, its just like the naughty step, but i just couldnt do it, plus she wouldnt stay in the room!!

i will do a chart for the good bahaviour and praise her loads, i will ask her once and take away her luxury items if she doesnt do as she is told, i just hope thuis works!!

thanks loads guys for all your answers xx

[m10pp15]

Children love to know where the lines are, Stick to them and do not deviate.

[ivaclue]

sometimes its better to have a chart if they are good. i.e. If they are good for two whole days they get some sweets, if they are good for a whole week they get a slightly bigger gift. This gives them something to work to. The other thing is do not go back on what you say, when you say it is bedtime, put her in bed, and everytime sahe comes down take her back. this will be tedious for you but also for her, and when she sees she does not win, hopefully she'll get fed up and go to bed normally after a couple of days doing this.

[onlyme26]

thanks for answers guys, i actually had a good night last night, i got her bathed and told her i would cuddle up with her in bed and read her stories, she was so excited and i havent read to her for ages, i used to read to her every night, i think i need to take more time out for her, i am 20 weeks pregnant ( which is no excuse) but im so tired all the time, but last night was lovely, i read to her then she read and then i tucked her in, good as gold!!! still going ahead with the chart tho! so fingers crossed! xx

[redcrx]

im glad last night was good.
Perhaps the reading of a book each night will encourage her to go to bed, may for the latest chapter or something.
She may be feeling a little worried about the new arrival, at 7 she has got used to being the only child and may be worried that shes not going to get all your attention. Have you talked to her about the change?

[TenFour92]

Sounds like you lack dicipline skills. Your kid is slightly out of control, out of your grasp. To train your kid you must use negative and positive reinforcement.