what to do for the best?

[carliex]

i need help!!! me and my fience have a 5month old baby girl, since having my baby all i want is her! me and my fience argue alll the time now and sometimes ilook at him and think just leave! i cant stand you! even when were not arguing! here is the reason i cant leave him! i dont want my baby to grow up without having her n daddy here, and i dont want him to look after her on his own as he cant do anything rite! when she crys becus maybe she just wants to change position or she wants attention he just shushs her and carrys on watching telly! i dont want her going to his mum and dads with out me becus his dad thinks its funny to bang loud things and laugh when she jumps!!!! his mum told me to let her teeth on a bloody dog buscit! and when she crys they say oh just put her outside!!! the poor thing is crying becus she is teething why would i put her outside! im soooo misrable and i dont know what to do!!!! oh and iv told them not to do these things but they do them anyway! or just fall out with me! oh and my fience would move back with his parents if we split up.

[sara3]

was your relationship okay before you had your daughter? how old are you both?

[carliex]

yes it was brill! im 22 he is 25

[carliex]

oh and he also lost his job 2weeks ago he hasnt looked for another! hes just being a bum and thinks the goverment will look after him and i have been brought up to work for a living and i want my daughter to be aswel

[sara3]

do you want your daughter to grow up thinking that your kind of relationship is normal?

maybe you need some counselling to see if you can recover what you had.

[carliex]

i think im past that i dont even think i love him anymore

[sara3]

so in a nutshell.. what was your question?

[carliex]

what do i do if i leave him about him having her and taking her to his parents

[sara3]

carliex, this may just be your hormones playing games. you loved him before, has he really changed so much?

if you separate he is entitled to see his daughter unless you think her well-being is at risk.

[gossipgirl]

even though you have said ''you dont think you love him anymore'' i would say dont make any rash decsions yet on wether to leave him or not yet. Your probably still hormonal and tired as a teething baby is hard work and your stressed on top of that. Have you sat your partner down and told him how you feel? maybe if he was to hear that you are thinking of ending things he would buck up his ideas and sort himself out. Give him an ultimatum by saying that if he doesnt sorthimself and start looking for a job you will pack his bags for him. Also i would tell him how you feel about his parents behaviour and how its upsetting you, afterall you are her mother and your daughters best intrests are at heart. I know this is awkward as ive had issues with my reletives smoking around my children when we go to visit, i simply asked them to stop. they didint, so i dont take the kids there anymore! good luck xxx

[k8bailey]

Awww Carlie, I really feel for you, I'm 24 and have an 11 month old baby girl. Me and my partner went through the exact same thing you are describing.

I believed I didn't love him anymore, I thought he was useless with the baby, his family really scared me - I hated them being anywhere near her, they just seemed to do/say/think the exact opposite of what I wanted for my daughter.

I eventually spoke to my HV who diagnosed Post Natal Depression - just knowing that there was a problem and that I wasn't a bad person, or losing my mind seemed to help. I never sought any treatment for the PND, which I regret, but in the last 2 months feel as if I am getting back to 'normal'.

Please find someone to talk to about all of this, preferably someone impartial who won't just slag off your fiance.
You need some support! Maybe getting your HV ar GP involved will show your partner that there is a problem, and then you need to sit down with no distractions and calmly and honestly, lay all your cards on the table.
This is what we did, I realised that my daughter could not be my life because one day she will have a life of her own. I also told my partner how I felt about him, which was hard to hear but he realised how serious it had all got and began to make an effort, he now understands that this is his family - me, him and the baby. She is not just my baby, and he needs to do his fair share. He now tells his parents if they're doing or saying something which I feel is inappropriate.

Sorry for rambling, but I really do hope you get this sorted!
x

[ailie]

Yep you must talk with someone to listen to you both or go to parenting classes together.....you sound a brill mum. You know naturally what you need to be doing & you need to get a messege to him & his family that he's into something very grown up now. He needs to be sharing & helping you and deciding things with you. If that doesn't happen the chances will be that you will always put baby before him ( cos that's instinct) & he'll resent you more.
You don't sound as if u have the baby blues...it's just transition time for everyone....hope it all works out. You are right, she needs a dad & you need support. Big hugs

[Velvetee]

Pregnancy as I've found out myself puts a huge strain on a relationship and when baby arrives, there can be even greater relationship stress. What has happened is probably quite normal, as a new mum, you have fallen hopelessly in love with your baby and this I expect is natural, after all nature want's you to care and nurture your baby the best way possible.

I know it's easy to crtitcise your partner and everything he does, but you should perhaps encourage him to do things for your baby and praise him for doing so. He probably feels like a spare tyre and assumes you have everything under control and have no need for him. I expect he also feels very neglected and unloved. Try to encourage him to find a new job and perhaps offer to help look at local ads and internet sites.

I know you will worry and fret, but maybe leaving him in the lurch with your daughter for the afternoon would do them both some good. It would throw him in at the deep end, so he has to take responsibility for her care and would be a great time for them to bond.

As for his parents, particulalrly the father, well he sounds quite peculiar!!

[carliex]

i left her with him last wed while i went shopping for a few hours with the girl, since that she has been different! she needs my attention all the time she wont go to anyone!!! plus all he did was take her to his mum and dads and i hate her goin there, but he took her there so he had a sitter while he played his xbox!

[Velvetee]

Oh dear, playing with his X Box, sounds like he isn't adjusting to or taking fatherhood very seriously. I wouldn't have thought he'd have time to be playing computerised games with a new baby or even want to.

Perhaps you need to have a straight talk with him, to find out exactly how he see's his role in the family unit and if he want's to be a proper, hands on dad. If he doesn't then maybe you would be better off without him hanging around and not contributing in any way.