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Bullying
My soon to be 9 year old son has been having some bother with a few of the boys at school. A few months ago I found out that 3 boys in his class together with a few others from younger classes had been throwing sticks and ganging up on my son in general. I reported it to the school and they boys were "talked to". I found out this weekend that they are now calling him names and teasing him and generally making his life a misery (no hitting though).
The main ringleader is in his class and I know his mum reasonably well, she thinks the sun shines out his backside, personally I think he has a face that you wouldn't tire of punching!
We have never had that much to do with the family really as my younger son (almost 8) has always hated the sight of this boy (since he was about 3!) and they have never got on. My elder boy is really quiet and has a couple of close friends who are pretty much like him.
Anyway, I would value some opinions on possible action next.
My husband feels that he needs to learn to sort this kind of thing out for himself and win or lose, he thinks that next time he is provoked my son should fight this boy to show that he is not just going to take the bullying.
My younger son wants to go and help his brother and would quite happily punch the boys lights out (as he puts it) however he is in the infants playground until after the holidays so is generally not around to support his brother.
My son wants me to go and speak to the teacher again.
Other options are:
to go and speak to the boy's Mum
speak to the boy myself and leave him no doubt how hard I would kick his backside if he so much as breathes the same air as my son
or anything else you guys can come up with.
There are now only 3 weeks left of the school year but they will all still be in the same class after the summer.
The main ringleader is in his class and I know his mum reasonably well, she thinks the sun shines out his backside, personally I think he has a face that you wouldn't tire of punching!
We have never had that much to do with the family really as my younger son (almost 8) has always hated the sight of this boy (since he was about 3!) and they have never got on. My elder boy is really quiet and has a couple of close friends who are pretty much like him.
Anyway, I would value some opinions on possible action next.
My husband feels that he needs to learn to sort this kind of thing out for himself and win or lose, he thinks that next time he is provoked my son should fight this boy to show that he is not just going to take the bullying.
My younger son wants to go and help his brother and would quite happily punch the boys lights out (as he puts it) however he is in the infants playground until after the holidays so is generally not around to support his brother.
My son wants me to go and speak to the teacher again.
Other options are:
to go and speak to the boy's Mum
speak to the boy myself and leave him no doubt how hard I would kick his backside if he so much as breathes the same air as my son
or anything else you guys can come up with.
There are now only 3 weeks left of the school year but they will all still be in the same class after the summer.
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Sorry annie, I thought maybe both your boys had that confidence. That makes it even tougher.
From what ive read on other threads, your boys sound a lot like my girls - cleverer than most of their classmates, but totally un -streetwise; really just little children who have always been told that if you tell mum and dad they can fix everything; and they still believe it. I wonder if it is this combination that makes them a target?
I think you and I might be the last generation that remembers that when you did something wrong at school you got punished right there and then rather than consultations and develpment plans put in place for you. As you say, a quick shot of the belt might give these horrors something they would remember for a long time.
Hope your boy has had a better day today. I don't know if it would work for you but we have a policy that they can talk about what's happened on the way home but the bully's name does not get mentioned in this house. They feel totally safe here so it works, unless something really big has happened.
From what ive read on other threads, your boys sound a lot like my girls - cleverer than most of their classmates, but totally un -streetwise; really just little children who have always been told that if you tell mum and dad they can fix everything; and they still believe it. I wonder if it is this combination that makes them a target?
I think you and I might be the last generation that remembers that when you did something wrong at school you got punished right there and then rather than consultations and develpment plans put in place for you. As you say, a quick shot of the belt might give these horrors something they would remember for a long time.
Hope your boy has had a better day today. I don't know if it would work for you but we have a policy that they can talk about what's happened on the way home but the bully's name does not get mentioned in this house. They feel totally safe here so it works, unless something really big has happened.
Hi ying yang - yes, I don't think that we can cosset and protect them and still expect them to be streetwise. What makes it worse in a way, is that these kids are not your kicked out on the street ragamuffins, they are boys from advantaged backgrounds as is my son (but not me ;o)). We will see what kind of day he has had today, as our walk home from school takes about 30 seconds! I'll give an update later.
Understand where your coming fom completely, my daughter who is 14, has always been the target for bullies, it all started because she had speech problems when she was younger, and was noticed to be "different" at school, unfortunately this has followed her in her school life even though she is fine now, and she gets started on in school nown again, I have told her to just punch fu*k out of them as she is more than capable, but she just wont do it, so I find that im always intervening, just the other day she went out of the house and she come running back terrified, as some girls were following here calling her a scumbag...out I went and confronted them...yes they were scared but I dont think it works long term....I agree with your husband, and just wish my daughter would just get some guts and go for it .....everyday I worry about my daughter coming home from school, and am thinking of enrolling her in self defense classes, she used to go karate but was scared of the teacher!
Not much of an answer here, but just wanted you to know that talking to teachers and intervening yourself works for a short while, but not long term...your son really needs to give some back....its such a shame that we have to teach our kids to fight!
Not much of an answer here, but just wanted you to know that talking to teachers and intervening yourself works for a short while, but not long term...your son really needs to give some back....its such a shame that we have to teach our kids to fight!
Hi lil, It's such a shame isn't it? It is really shocking just how common this is, what is society breeding here? But I guess that is another debate.
I am not sure that self defence is necessarily the answer, my son attends judo, rugby and swimming as well as cubs, golf, general sports club (and art) he is tall, fit and not scared of physical contact and enjoys wrestling about with us and his brother. But, he doesn't have the confidence and assertiveness (social skills?) to deal with this and all the fighting training isn't going to fix it. It then becomes a viscous circle as the bullying undermines their self esteem and lowers their confidence more - i'm afraid I don't have the answer.
Anyway, the Head teacher today called my son and 3 of his best friends down to her office individually to get their stories. She is yet to speak to the boys doing the bullying, but the one who jump kicked my son in the groin has already been given a detention for that one incident as it was obviously corroborated by one of my sons friends. Another of his friends said that he had really appreciated the chance to tell what had been going on as he had been too scared to tell. I told them that what they had done was really brave and that they should be proud of themselves as it isn't easy to stand up to bullies.
I have told my son's teacher that I insist that the boys parents are told and if they don't, then I will. I think that they have a right to know, if it was my son that was behaving like that at school and they didn't tell me, I would be furious. I will give them a couple of days.
I am not sure that self defence is necessarily the answer, my son attends judo, rugby and swimming as well as cubs, golf, general sports club (and art) he is tall, fit and not scared of physical contact and enjoys wrestling about with us and his brother. But, he doesn't have the confidence and assertiveness (social skills?) to deal with this and all the fighting training isn't going to fix it. It then becomes a viscous circle as the bullying undermines their self esteem and lowers their confidence more - i'm afraid I don't have the answer.
Anyway, the Head teacher today called my son and 3 of his best friends down to her office individually to get their stories. She is yet to speak to the boys doing the bullying, but the one who jump kicked my son in the groin has already been given a detention for that one incident as it was obviously corroborated by one of my sons friends. Another of his friends said that he had really appreciated the chance to tell what had been going on as he had been too scared to tell. I told them that what they had done was really brave and that they should be proud of themselves as it isn't easy to stand up to bullies.
I have told my son's teacher that I insist that the boys parents are told and if they don't, then I will. I think that they have a right to know, if it was my son that was behaving like that at school and they didn't tell me, I would be furious. I will give them a couple of days.
Dya know what Annie, I think you are right, it is down to confidence and asserting themselves, something my daughter isnt comfortable doing either, I didnt think of that....maybe some drama classes are in order, as they are meant to be fantastic for building self confidence...its not going to happen overnight but its worth a thought!
Glad the headteacher has spoken with these boys, but I dont think a small detention is enough, They really need to contact the parents!! I know if the school or another parent approached me over my kid bullying, I would be furious with them (the child, not the school ;o)
Whatever happends let us know and I hope you get this sorted once and for all x
Glad the headteacher has spoken with these boys, but I dont think a small detention is enough, They really need to contact the parents!! I know if the school or another parent approached me over my kid bullying, I would be furious with them (the child, not the school ;o)
Whatever happends let us know and I hope you get this sorted once and for all x
Hi lil,
The drama classes might do the trick then - My son would be horrified at the thought of that - he couldn't even pluck up the courage to speak to his art teacher to show her his home drawn "tatoo" he had done on his arm - he had to ask me to tell her about it - and she is really lovely and not scary at all. He really needs to come out of his shell, but I am not sure what a good step for him would be.
I agree that one detention is not enough, as I understand it that was for the one incident and was not for the bullying in general, but I reserve judgement for now, I will give them the opportunity to sort it out and if they don't, I will.
The drama classes might do the trick then - My son would be horrified at the thought of that - he couldn't even pluck up the courage to speak to his art teacher to show her his home drawn "tatoo" he had done on his arm - he had to ask me to tell her about it - and she is really lovely and not scary at all. He really needs to come out of his shell, but I am not sure what a good step for him would be.
I agree that one detention is not enough, as I understand it that was for the one incident and was not for the bullying in general, but I reserve judgement for now, I will give them the opportunity to sort it out and if they don't, I will.
Had a letter from the Headmistress today. She mentions that she has spoken to some of the boys in my son's class and that they are all of the opinion that the 3 boys mentioned (in my letter to them) are not being nice to others including my son.
She has written to the boys' parents inviting them to the school to discuss the matter.
She will be in touch to let me know the outcome of the meeting.
I await further developments.
One of the 3 boys was crying today apparently because he is in trouble and his parents are having to come to the school. I asked my son how that made him feel and he said "ok - well kind of happy really, he did and said things that made me really sad and upset and he kept on doing it, so I don't feel sad for him, he deserves to feel sad - maybe he'll learn his lesson" That sound's fair enough to me.
She has written to the boys' parents inviting them to the school to discuss the matter.
She will be in touch to let me know the outcome of the meeting.
I await further developments.
One of the 3 boys was crying today apparently because he is in trouble and his parents are having to come to the school. I asked my son how that made him feel and he said "ok - well kind of happy really, he did and said things that made me really sad and upset and he kept on doing it, so I don't feel sad for him, he deserves to feel sad - maybe he'll learn his lesson" That sound's fair enough to me.
I have had a simular case with my son.
He had a friend who since they were baby's would always played nicely or not. In year 5 the other boy decided he would like to be top dog (for want of a better word) and made my sons life not to plesant. I spoke to the parents of this child and she did not believe that her son would hit my son as her son is a small 10 year old the size of most 8 year olds and my son is a tall 10 year old the height of a 13 year old. It ended up that my son would not go to school. eventually the school had to hear my sons views and he spent about 6 weeks knocking on the staffroom door as he was told by the teachers to tell. eventually the boy left my son alone, the school realized that my son was not the instigator and that other children where having problems too. Your husband is right in a way you son does need to show that he can stand up for himself as you can not be there everytime. but as a mother it is very hard to stand back. Allow your younger child to stand up for his brother.
Try to talk to the mother first though before going to the school as she may not realise what he child is doing.i fthe parents will not listen Go into the school inform the of what is going on and state what you have told your children to do if this boy carries on.
Good luck it will sort its self out.
He had a friend who since they were baby's would always played nicely or not. In year 5 the other boy decided he would like to be top dog (for want of a better word) and made my sons life not to plesant. I spoke to the parents of this child and she did not believe that her son would hit my son as her son is a small 10 year old the size of most 8 year olds and my son is a tall 10 year old the height of a 13 year old. It ended up that my son would not go to school. eventually the school had to hear my sons views and he spent about 6 weeks knocking on the staffroom door as he was told by the teachers to tell. eventually the boy left my son alone, the school realized that my son was not the instigator and that other children where having problems too. Your husband is right in a way you son does need to show that he can stand up for himself as you can not be there everytime. but as a mother it is very hard to stand back. Allow your younger child to stand up for his brother.
Try to talk to the mother first though before going to the school as she may not realise what he child is doing.i fthe parents will not listen Go into the school inform the of what is going on and state what you have told your children to do if this boy carries on.
Good luck it will sort its self out.
The parents have now been informed - I had one of them at my door last night with his son in tow - he made the boy apologise and he himself was really taken aback that his son would behave in such a manner, I gave him a few more details of what has been going on - while the boy was standing there. He is not sure yet what action he is taking with his son, but they have the meeting with school next week to discuss.
It is very difficult to know what to do in these situations, and I am not sure there is one best way to deal with it as every circumstance and every child is different.
I hope that we have it right this time but time will tell.
It is very difficult to know what to do in these situations, and I am not sure there is one best way to deal with it as every circumstance and every child is different.
I hope that we have it right this time but time will tell.
Hi Annie, my son was bullied at secondary school. It went on for some time before I found out. My son was always a quiet boy, only ever had a handful of friends but had them from nursery school through to the end of school.
When I did find out abut the bullying I went to the school and spoke to the Head, she said she would speak to the lad. The bullying continued and ended with me being called to the hospital as my son had been kicked to the ground and kicked on the ground, he had bruising on his kidneys and spent the weekend in hospital....I was furious.
I stormed into the school to be taken to one side....'please Mrs P'...'can we talk about this in my office'.....the Ofsted inspectors were there that day and she didn't want a scene!!! Didn't want a scene! My son didn't want to spend the weekend in hospital! I told her to forget it....I would deal with this lad myself. I wish to God I had just called the police (my friends husband, a policeman advised this, after the event).
I did deal with him.....I took him to one side at the school gate, in full view of the Headmistress (but not hearing distance), and very calmly told him how I would deal with the bullying.....I have to say.....it never happened again.
However, as a footnote, my son will be 21 next Tuesday and he is still very insular and although I know he is quiet by nature, the experience of being bullied has never left him. Good luck!
When I did find out abut the bullying I went to the school and spoke to the Head, she said she would speak to the lad. The bullying continued and ended with me being called to the hospital as my son had been kicked to the ground and kicked on the ground, he had bruising on his kidneys and spent the weekend in hospital....I was furious.
I stormed into the school to be taken to one side....'please Mrs P'...'can we talk about this in my office'.....the Ofsted inspectors were there that day and she didn't want a scene!!! Didn't want a scene! My son didn't want to spend the weekend in hospital! I told her to forget it....I would deal with this lad myself. I wish to God I had just called the police (my friends husband, a policeman advised this, after the event).
I did deal with him.....I took him to one side at the school gate, in full view of the Headmistress (but not hearing distance), and very calmly told him how I would deal with the bullying.....I have to say.....it never happened again.
However, as a footnote, my son will be 21 next Tuesday and he is still very insular and although I know he is quiet by nature, the experience of being bullied has never left him. Good luck!
Just a thought Annie, You say that your boy is soon to be nine. Why don't you invite the bullies to his birthday party. This will let you get to know them a bit better and maybe (hopefully) help to smooth out some of the problems. It's worth a try ! After all they can't do much bullying with you around .
Hi Andres, that is probably something i would have recommended myself in the past, but the circumstances here don't warrant that - 2 of the 3 boys have been to his parties before. The simple fact is that they have different interests than my son, my younger son cannot stand the sight of one of the boys and is liable to kick off. Those two boys have both apologised to my son and I have spoken to their parents subsequent to the school sending them a letter and asking them to come in for a meeting. My view is that they don't need to be friends, they just need to accept that they don't like the same things and move on. One of the boys has made an effort and passed my son a ball in the playground and invited him to join their game, so fingers crossed!!!
Oh, and I don't think he will have a party this year - his birthday is always when we are away on holiday - schools break up here next week - so we tend to have a joint one with his brother later in the summer - we have family over from the states this year, so will have a family do instead
Oh, and I don't think he will have a party this year - his birthday is always when we are away on holiday - schools break up here next week - so we tend to have a joint one with his brother later in the summer - we have family over from the states this year, so will have a family do instead
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