Alternative family

[maurizio]

A girlfriend of mine wants to have a baby with her best friend (they are both gays). He has agreed to donate the sperm and be the father. She will bring the child up with her girlfriend. He's also in a long stable relationship with his partner. The child will be brought up by the two women but his father will have unlimited access whenever he wishes to see the child and will also contribute financially.  Any views on this please??

[Hgrove]

I believe there are several instances of this kind of arrangement and I believe they are generally successful, provided all the partners involved are mature about it.   Perhaps they should think carefully about what would happen if one of the parties had to move away (for work reasons, say) and have an agreement about the financial side of things. 

[hambro]

I don't do moral judgements, but it seems like everybody wins. This man and his partner must be very understanding types. What they arrange between themselves financially is their business, but I don't see that the lesbian couple gain as a family unit from the man's financial assistance. If that's how they all want it, then OK. He'd better listen out for other couples knocking on his door...

[maurizio]

Thank you both Hgrove and hambro for your answers. Both couples are well off so there are no financial commitments at all. As I gather the father wants to help with schooling, holidays, the odd present etc but both women will be financially able to look after the child.

[jills]

sounds like a good arrangement to me.  The child will be much loved and wanted by the sounds of it, and that is surely paramount.

[wonky]

I think that is really lovely!! as long as all parties are happy then no probs, i cant believe he is going to help support financialy but if thats what they have agreed then no probs! i think it is so nice because this child is so wanted and will grow up with two brilliant families by the sounds of things!!

[Ahmed]

Sounds like a win-win situation to me.

 

Imagine how much fun parents evening will be!?

[ursula62]

What I find interesting is that maurizio wants other people's views on this situation, and I wonder why?

Do you have misgivings maurizio? Has your friend asked you for moral advice that you are unable to give without hurting her feelings?

At the end of the day, the most important thing is that this child is much wanted and will have parents who love him or her. The sexuality and living arrangements of the parents shouldn't come into the equation.

 

[maurizio]

Ursula I completely agree with you and gave my friend my 100% support. I was just curious to find out more from a general public point of view and as in all the answers shown here as long as the child is wanted and loved then nothing else matters.

[Ahmed]

As an educated adult, I can't see anything wrong with the situation at all.
As school children, I would have an entirely different viewpoint altogether. How would other kids behave towards him/her? How confusing would s3x education be for the child?

Please don't take offense, as I'm mearly asking a few questions

[George1]

Nice,dude

[Hgrove]

I can see where Ahmed is coming from, but it seems to me that if they start going to mums & toddlers groups, followed by playgroup, followed by nursery etc., people will get used to the idea and no-one will bat an eyelid, particularly if they get involved in helping - all of these institutions are crying out for people to help with Xmas and summer fairs and all the rest of the fundraising, so if the prospective mum(s) are willing to get a bit involved, they will probably find themselves very popular indeed!

[SteveD]

I'm surprised!  Out of all the posts above, only Ahmed has made any real reference as to how the child might sort all this out in his/her mind in later years.

 

 

 

[Hgrove]

I'd like to say that there are now non-standard types of family;  there are single parents and "re-formed" families with lots of step- and half- relatives; so I really feel that this child will not be disadvantaged, particularly as the father is willing to be involved in his or her upbringing.

[zgma]

My husband has cousins that have gone exactly this route - the father of both their kids and his partner live a couple of houses away, and all 4 parents get along and have managed to work out the details well - it seems great for the kids too.

 

As far as how this affects the child of such a relationship, I know adults who were brought up with gay parents, and they are some of the coolest, most well-adjusted adults that I know.  Maybe having a different family situation, or one in which it is important to talk about the differences from an early age, can be a very positive experience.  I also have several friends who are gay and in committed relationships, who now have kids - it seems much less uncommon than it used to be.

[Amy Chich]

If they want kids that badly they should adopt!  Imagine the trauma the poor kid will go through, society is only slightly prejudiced against gays but very prejudiced against IVF etc and the child will have the mickey ripped out of them something awful! Yes it works for the parents but wouldn't it be better to save one child from a home than to bring another one to be jeered at?

[Kingaroo]

Ask some pessimist about everything that could go wrong, and have them talk it out.
(I'm not saying don't do it -- just htat when forming a new kind of relationship, there aren't traditions to fall back on, so you need to get creative.)

What if the two moms break up? The courts may not offer custody to the non-biological mom.

What if the dad's partner decides that dad is spending too much of their money on the baby, and wants more of it to go to new house together or vacations?

What if the child is born with a disability and the mom and dad disagree about how much money/care/love they can offer? Or their respective partners do?

What if dad decides he wants custody? Courts will let him.

What if one parent becomes a drug addict, or a paraplegic, or a born-again-christian, and all the plans and priorities go astray?

As far as worrying about the child and how he/she will feel about all this when older -- don't worry! It is becoming more common. But do look into support groups and liberal churches (like Unitarian Universalist) to help in the face of prejudice.

[Candita1138]

Sounds like an episode from HBO's Queer As Folk! Have them watch it. The whole thing is a bad idea from the start!

[Hgrove]

Maurizio, there is an article in today's Observer Magazine about a woman, now 22, who was brought up by her two lesbian mothers in the US.  It may be of interest to you and/or your friends.

[maurizio]

Thank you Hgrove, I 'll try to get a copy.