Adoption ?

[pericat]

Can you tell me if you have experience of adoption or being adopted if it is a good idea for the birth father to have contact. There are 3 choices here 1 no contact 2 letters, photos etc or 3 visits. As an adopted child which is preferable ? Any views ?

[sara3]

hi pericat.. I don't have 1st hand experience, but do you mean making contact with his grown up child?

[pericat]

No sara - baby not born yet so these are decisions to be made with adoption agency - I was asked for my advice earlier but having no experience I just don't know except what is best for the child

[sara3]

I'm not qualified to answer this in any way but I would think for a child, it's important to know where their blood ties are. if he kept in touch he would get questions about the birth mother, but if he is mature and reliable.. surely it's a positive thing.

I assume he can't keep the baby himself?

[pericat]

Sara I have told no-one this. This is my sons baby. This is tough. He is 19 and has had a lot of problems over the last few years. This year alone he was crashed into by a drunk and nearly killed and another time broke his ankle in 3 places. Anyway besides this he has been extremely immature and also depressed. He's on anti depressants and I have him going to an excellent counsellor. He has a long way to go to be able to look after himself never mind a baby. He did not have a relationship with the mother she is a sister of a friend of his. She is older and has 2 kids already. He only told me about a month ago and my husband a couple of days ago. He really doesn't know his own feelings - the mother wants to have the baby adopted but may change her mind. For him to adopt the baby would mean the responibility could fall on us. He needs to stand on his own 2 feet and we are trying to take a step back while still supporting him as much as possible. I hope this reads ok

[sara3]

gosh, that's big stuff. if he took on the baby, it would probably fall to you in reality. if she has 2 kids she may well decide to keep the baby yet. you're right, he does need to grow up.

of course, that doesn't mean he wouldn't be a good parent.. but he sounds like he has a long way to go.

how do you feel about it?

[pericat]

You know I'm relieved to be telling you (and everyone else on AB) . I just don't know how I feel - I go from wondering how it happened (not being smart you know what I mean) to feeling sorry for a mother to have to make that decision. I don't know this girl at all but her family have not a good history. Not that that should make a difference. I know I will think of that child everyday from now on. Sara I carried that secret for the last 2 and half weeks as my son wanted to tell his dad himself - so at the moment I am feeling relieved that part is over. I could welcome a grandchild if he was in a relationship but this is different . But in a funny way he is growing up a lot at the moment - still a long way to go though. The universe had been sending him some huge messages

[sara3]

honestly, I'd be surprised of she gives the baby up for adoption. it must be very hard for you, too. big decisions but you don't really get any say. at least you can talk to his dad about it now.

either way, I guess it won't be easy. be strong for your son, he sounds like he will need your support for a while yet. good on you for being so supportive. I do feel for you x

[pericat]

Thanks sara - hard to know what she will do but we will stay very much in the background till then. I am not ready to take on a child but I would a grandchild . Thanks for listening and I will keep you updated.

[pericat]

Btw my son told me today that it was supposed to be twins but she miscarried one earlier in pregnancy.

[sara3]

any time :o)

and for what it's worth, I would feel exactly the same as you do.

[pericat]

Thanks - it's hard being a parent to a teen and I've 2 more to go LOL . But so far so good

[phillipa.d]

Hi Sara and Pericat, Hope you dont think Im butting in or being nosey, and really hope everything turns out well for everyone involved. Just wanted to say that maybe the baby will be fostered, rather than adopted. If baby is fostered, it is possible that you would be welcome to have contact, and be quite involved in his or her life. My Mum fosters three of seven siblings, and, as their carer, encourages them to see their siblings, mum, and grandparents.

Good Luck :)
Pip
x

[pericat]

Not at all pip - thanks for your input. I think for the mother it's either keep the baby or adoption with no contact. My son went to meeting with adoption society today and was told if baby is to be adopted he could choose not to see it, to exchange letters, photos etc - which could mean that eg. the child at 6 could ask him to come to his birthday or thirdly choose to have contact. They then match the baby with like minded adoptive parents. At the moment he seems to want some kind of contact with the child. I am proud of him for that. But finacially never mind mentally he could not look after a child

[Nannyjill]

Pericat I really feel for you. Muat be so hard and I'm sure as you say you will think about the baby every day.

Not meaning to put a damper on this but even if your son wants to keep the baby it doesn't mean to say that he will be able to. Sometimes the authorities make decisions that we as a community find hard to accept. As Phillipa says many adopted children do keep in contact with their siblings and parents.

I have a firnd who adopted a brother and sister and they have about 4 other siblings who they see 3 or 4 times a year they also see their biological mother.(the children were taken away from her as she cannot look afte them but produces child every year) once or twice a year. I think this was a condition of the adoption but I am not 100% certain. Inbetween my friend does send phots and letters etc to the social services (I think) and they pass them on to the mother.

Have you looked at any of the adoption forums on line? They migth be able to give you more useful information.

I hope your son comes to a decision and it sounds like you will support him in whatever he chooses. Sometimes we do have to let our children make their own decisons even if we don't agree with them. When they hurt we hurt along side them but as much as we'd like to take their hurt away we can't.

It's a tough decision for anyone to make. Stay strong peri.

[Nannyjill]

Pericat sorry I started postging before your last post appeared.

Yolur son seems to have matured in a couple of weeks and you'e right to be proud of him.I'm sure he'll make the right decision and by the time the baby is born a numebr of things could have changed.

Does the mother give any reason why she doesn't want to keep the baby?

[pericat]

Hi nanny - thanks for your words - honestly I haven't even told my friends any of this. He does not want to adopt the baby but is wondering about contact if any and what type. I want him to make his own decision here and I will not be offended at whatever he chooses. The only positive thing is that myself or his dad cannot sort out this so he has to grow up a little bit. He knows we are there to support him. He is a kid with no confidence in himself who is capable of much more than he thinks he is. So in school confidence knocked him back even though he had loads of friends. He has broken my heart several times over the last few years especially when we see glimpses of the kid we reared behind the anger. Strangely enough this has bonded us all a bit more. So I can only hope but at least he is going once a week to a wonderful counsellor and for the first time opening up. We have worked so hard with him over the years - tried to be understanding - for a problem like his schools are no help I have to say. Again I am rambling so hope this makes sense

[phillipa.d]

It's such a huge responsibility, sometimes too much to even imagine, isn't it? The three younger siblings of my Mum's foster kids have been put up for adoption, two successfully, though the eldest's placement broke down after just a couple of months - she was about 7 by the time she was adopted and too 'set in her ways', plus she had a disability which may have hindered the situation. My Mum went through preparing her kids, goodbye parties and last, ever meetings, etc for what seems like months, only for JT to be back in foster care and contactable again! But the two babies' adoptions seem to have worked, and, I believe (I seem to recall being told this, but i'll check again to make sure) that letters and cards that fostered siblings want to send are kept for the adopted childen, and not given to them until they are 18!

There's a long way to go yet, and maybe when the Mum's other two children watch 'bump' growing, she may decide to keep baby herself.

Take care of yourself, I wish you and your family the very best of luck.
P
x

[Nannyjill]

Pericat wish you all good luck with this. It's so difficult to sit back and bite your tongue and let your children do what is right for them.

Being a parent is the hardest job in the world and anyone who says it isn't clearly hasn't had children.

Just when you think you've sorted the current problem out , another one springs up - bless the little darlings but we wouldn't be without them.

[NiallsMama]

Hiya pericat..Hoipe Im not butting in here.....Im an adopted child, & my adoptive parents decided letters to keep in touch for 5 yrs (1978 this was, ive just turned 31) I don't remember my parents telling me im adopted, I've always known, ifkwim, I used to love sitting on the floor listening to mum read the letters that flew back & forth from when I was adopted. As a child I loved knowing I had another name before i was me, & I felt special that other people I hadn't 'met' were thinkng about me...... When I was 17 I was offered the chance to see my adoption history by my mum and dad, I said no, waited untill I was about 24, just before I married. I found out my birth mother was 17 & I was her 3rd child to be adopted. I'm not bitter by any means, ive had the fabbest family ever, and eventually would like to meet up with my "other family" . I know my parents would support me whatever so i guess im blessed that way.
Even now, at the age I am I sit and read thru' the letters and my mother's history is in my bedside drawer. I only hope whatever happens to your grandchild, he/she has as sympathetic adoptive parents as mine x Good luck & keep posting x

[pericat]

Thanks for that info on the letters pip will check that out. Nanny you are so right and ad I said twice more for me yay. To answer your question about the mother I do not know her but according to my son she felt like this on all her pregnancies but once she held the baby she could not go ahead however she never had a meeting with am adoption society before so I really don't know. To put this as tactfully as I can it's a bit of a culture shock for us as she is a single mum living on benefits with two kids, the father of those is in prison - something to do with drugs - her brother is also on prison - drugs and another brother died from drugs. The brother who my son is friendly with is only one not in trouble . It is hard to know the right thing in all of this