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Moving the kids away from the area and their father.

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VikkiJRyan | 15:25 Sun 11th Apr 2010 | Parenting
52 Answers
I have been separated from the father of my children (aged 10 and 8) for 18 months. I' ve been seeing a lovely new man for about 4 months and already I know that this is a very serious relationship.

We have spent time with each others children and as a family and now he has asked me to move in with him. I'm very keen to make the move, as my life will be infinitely better than it is now.

My concern is that the new home will be 80 miles away, and that the children will not only be far away from their daddy, who they see practically every day right now, but that they will also have the trauma of starting at new schools in addition to the move of location.

I have never made access to the children difficult, I have let my ex call all the shots on when he wants to spend time with them, often putting myself out to ensure he gets his way. I get no maintenance from him despite him earning 3 times what I do, and I work hard to keep the children and me in a nice home.

I feel guilty at the thought of making the move and wonder how best to put it to him that it is something that IS going to happen. I won't have to work any more, and can take the children to see him as often as he likes still (within reason considering a 4 hour round trip each time). I'm also faced with having to tell my children that this is something I really want to do even though I know they probably don't like the idea.

My head is all over the place with the enormity of what I'm doing to 3 lives in order to give myself the chance of happiness that I believe I really deserve after 4 very tough years.

Any advice from someone who has been through the same would be most gratefully received.


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We have discussed at length our personal views on parenting and discipline. We have a similar stand on the matter. My new man is very keen to meet my ex and have the same discussion with him too.

My new guys ex lives with a man who hits the children (despite having none of his own!!) so you can see its a subject that he's very keen to make clear for all involved (incidentally, we agree that physical discipline is not a path we would chose).
We have discussed at length our personal views on parenting and discipline.

Yes...I did that too. Didn't stop him beating me to a pulp. He was so lovely though...!!!!!
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You can't tar them all with the same brush though, I know you're advising caution and to be sure I go in to this with eyes wide open.
I don't tar them with the same brush but I learnt to spot the signs. If it's after Xmas though you still have a long time to get to know him better...

It's a big upheaval if things don't work out...
As I had been uprooted from everyone I knew when I was young it can be devastating for a child, If I was faced with your dilemma I would not be moving. Thats my experience of being uprooted as a child..
Why say anything to anyone at this point ?
If your intention is to proceed with caution, let you, your kids, him his kids et all keep forging stronger relationships.
If you, at this early stage, plant the seeds that HE will be responsible for when you relocate at some vague time in the future, your children will pick up on that and may start digging their heels in now..........
If, around Christmas-time, you decide to do this and tell your children then, they may see it as a bumper extra-Christmas pressie and run with indecent haste to your new man.
I would say 4 months is premature...but as you are not intending to do anything until after Xmas, then I think that is very sensible.
As for deliberation with regards to your ex...well let's turn the situation around here: If he were offered a job say in another part of the country or indeed another country, everyone would be patting him on the back and saying "Well done Mate, go for it!" No one would say.."I don't think you should go because you won't see your children as often" would they?
You go with what you think is best..for your children and yourself. Don't sacrifice your happiness. We are only here once.
There may be a lot of ferrying about and organisation but it can be done and is done regularly by many people.
Le Chat. I resent that massively. I'm giving up everything in order to be closer to my kids after my ex decided (whilst I was on operations) to move me out and move her new fella in.
Comments like yours perpetuate this myth that "men are broccoli, only mums can care about their kids etc" It really boils my blood to hear the anti-father rhetoric spouted by so many in society. I do a 200mile round trip every weekend to spend time with my kids, and will do until my notice in the mob is served.

Vikki, from a Dads perspective, if you decide to go and do this then think about the damage he'll have to deal with should things go pear shaped. Your kids will resent you if twice in a short time frame they're moving from one school, city and home; to another and then back again. They will end up hating you and he'll be the one who has to rebuild their confidence in you (again personal experience).
Think long and hard about what you are gonna do, and whether you're really acting in the best interest of your children, or if you are portraying the worried persona to ease the guilt of the fact that you know you're thinking about number 1!

Until you have made your decision get onto your ex about maintenance. He should be paying in some form, regadless of what he earns. Whether it be money into your bank, the mortgage on your home, the debts from your marriage, or clothes for the kids. If he bleats on about no being able to afford it then post his phone number on here and i'll 'explain' how he can get his head out of his arrse and do it. I'm paying all of those, as well as commuting, and i'm totally skint!
Maybe I'm getting this wrong but this man pays nothing for his children upkeep - I'm not saying that's the be all and end all but it says a lot so therefore his feelings should not really come into it. Bob - from reading your posts on here you don't compare to him at all
Compare in a good way or bad peri?
hold on ! who said he was a good father ? readin back. to me sounds like father says what happens with his kids.. he pays nothing and expects everything ?..and have you all missed something ! kids are 8 and 10 one is going to new school next year anyway so he or she will make new freinds anyway !..go with your heart ! if you feel it is time to move on then will never like it this year next year or even year after !..if your x loves his kids he can pay to have them weekends holidays egc you have been stupid thinking he cares when he only cares about what is best for him !. do NOT let your life be around your x.. kids are young when they get to teens thats when the problems start
bob ... yes i also agree with you on your comment about some mothers thinking us fathers do not care and don't have feelings...

i love all 4 of my grown up kids that i brought up as a one parent .. i could not and would not pay NOTHING for my kids when they were young. so that to me says there is something wrong there. and also he has them every day ?? so no time for kids to have friends after school is there ?

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