Pre-school or Not?

[mum_1406]

My 3.5year old daughter has just started pre-school (once a week), she cries and says she doesn't want to go every time I take her (well we both cry). I am just wondering if this would do more harm than good with her feeling insecure and if pre-school is really necessary before going to primary school?? A few friends have said she has to go to pre-school otherwise I will have problems when she goes to school. Does anyone have kids that were attached to them and were fine with going to school with no pre-school??

[smudge]

Hi mum_1406 - Way back in the seventies, neither of our two daughters went to pre-school & they had no problems at all on starting primary school. Hope that helps.

[crisgal]

as a pre-school teacher i have to say that i truly believe pre-school is immensly important to a child. Don't forget that pre-school forms the first part of the foundation stage -( a vital part of education in itself and not just a stepping stone to primary school - ) which begins once the child is 3 and ends at the end of their reception year at school. She will be seriously missing out on the social aspect apart from anything else. I can't understand why your chosen pre-school hasn't spoken to you about this. You must let them know how you feel. Perhaps you could go in and help on one of your daughter's sessions whilst she gets used to the routine and makes friends. Do you have a choice of pre-schools? perhaps you could try another although the problem could be the same anyway.

I do empathise as my own 3 year old attends the pre-school where i work and also a different one (so that she's not with me all the time). Every day she says she doesn't want to go, but I know she's fine once I've gone - mainly because i trust the pre-school to tell me if she's not. She does play me up and if her daddy takes her, she doesn't make a fuss at all. I've seen it so many times with other children - they know what your reaction will be to their tears, especially if you are crying too! She's found the perfect way to get to you. Of course she would rather spend the time with you but you don't want this upset in September at "big" school, you will be embarrassed and she may feel like she's the "baby" of the class. continued............ 

[crisgal]

....continued

All the activities she will experience at pre-school will be done through play and she may not even be aware that she is going through a learning process.

A large part of the curriculum at this stage concentrates on the personal, social and emotional development of the children. Therefore, simply by spending time with her peers and experiencing a little independence, her confidence and self esteem will grow and this will help her spend time away from you.

If you talk to the supervisor and she is experienced and good at her job, there are lots of ways you could all work through this together - but communication is vital!!

My colleagues and i are often concerned for the children that don't get to experience this wonderful time, although the government has made it so that the funding is there for every child sadly some parents still don't see the need.

Perhaps you could get the opinion of the reception teacher from the primary school your child will attend. I don't want to preach! I'm just passionate about this subject!

I hope i've helped and wish you and your daughter the very best of luck!

[woofgang]

Carrying on from smudge's comment,and before that, there wasn't preschool and we turned out just fine. Our parents taught us the rudiments of how to learn, read with us, made sure we could do buttons, share toys etcetera.

[incitatus]

study after study shows the importance of pre-school as an aid to learning and development.  Yes lots of us got throught without it, but I for one exhibited the symptoms you describe at primary school, and felt a right twonk.

You know its good for her, you know she should really do it to overcome her shyness, so its up to you to be the adult here, take her, not show her you are upset and show her that tears dont get her everything.  You can cry when you are roud the corner from the school.  I guarantee that as soon as you are out of sight she will be fine.

[Hgrove]

May I suggest a test?  Has playgroup got a window?  Have you tried sneaking a look through a window?  You might find the minute you're out the door, she is off playing.  It happened to me with a creche I was leaving my daughter in occasionally, she was about 2 1/2 at the time;  it took me seconds to walk round the building; when I looked in, I noticed she was having a wonderful time the minute I turned my back.

[smudge]

Following on from woofgang's & my previous comments:

Although our two daughters didn't go to pre-school, they could both read & write their names, tie their shoe laces, change their clothes, etc., before starting primary school. They are both well adjusted, intelligent, mature, kind & caring individuals.

I'm sure children who do go to pre-school, benefit in meeting lots of children & from the extra education, but it doesn't necessarily mean that they will turn out to be more academic or better than children who don't.

[morg_monster]

Aside from the arguments for and against preschool, surely if you take her out of preschool, then you will have exactly the same problems when she starts school.  Obviously then you won't be able to take her out as she might expect you to when she cries every day.  So it seems to be it would be better to stick with it and get through it now than stop and have exactly the same probs, maybe for longer, when she starts school.

[smudge]

I'll second that morg_monster.

mum_1405 - If our daughters had attended pre-school & were upset, although heartbreaking, I wouldn't have taken them out. This would only confuse the child even more. Try persevering, I'm sure she'll be fine in time. Good luck.

[josieann]

PreSchool where I work encourages parents to make the transition to going easier by inviting the parent to stop around for a while and or coming back ti pick the child up a little earlier and slowly making it longer so the child gets used to you going away but knows it wont be long before you are back.  talk to the assistants ask how she is when you go I bet she is ok

[jills]

I'd echo previous posts int that you should try to persevere. Also, for your daughters sake, do try to keep your emotions in check, as seeing her mum cry will obviously make her think pre-school is somehow scary or worrying etc.

I know we all managed just fine without pre-school, but oh my god, surely we all realise what a different place the world is now to the one we grew up in. We owe it to our kids to give them every possible advantage in this big wide world, and pre-school is definitely one of those advantages.  no one is saying kids who didn't have pre-school are slower to learn etc, but it can and does help children to adapt to school much more easily, so why would you make P1/reception year (which isn't optional, she willhaev to go to school) harder for your child than it has to be?

[beweypm]

I am staggered by crisgal's comments - complete rubbish i can only assume that they want to justify their job by encourgaing you to take your daughter there.

I am not ant-preschool but like others have said past genrations got through life without pre-school.

My daughter is the same age and we feel it more important to let her spend the time developing naturally with play ect with us and her friends.  She interacts with other children in many other different way gymtots for example.

I thin some people use it to give themselves a break or fear that thier child will get left behind socially and educationally.

I believe we can do a better job than any pre-school teacher at preparing our daughter for the years of education she has ahead of her.

The evidence that incitatus quotes should be taken with a pinch of salt and can be manipulated to suit the ends of the pro pre-school lobby.  As I said before you can do a better job than a pre-school teaher because you are given her one to one attention and ther are many other ways or her to interact with other children without pre-school.

I really am not anti pre-school juts anti people who put ressure on others by trying to make you think you are a bad parent if you don't.

[ikefoona]

i work in a nursery (2-5yr olds) and know how much kids can play up for mums. You may only see the crying but teachers see the smiles once the door is shut. Of course they would rather be with you but realise that pre school is a good alternative when you leave! It won't do any harm at all. Even if she cries for an hour after you have gone she will settle in over time.

It is important for them to make friends and settle into a school environment. if she doesn't go to pre school this will all happen again when she starts full time school when all the others are already settled in....

[crisgal]

I was surprised and more than a little offended to read the comments from beweypm!

I hope mum-1406 didn't see my professional experience as "rubbish". I merely tried to state some facts that she may not have been aware of in order to help her make a decision.

Of course you're right that many didn't experience pre-school life - myself included - so we don't know how it would have affected us do we?

Your child is very lucky to have such doting parents who give her the opportunity to mix with other children - many children do not get the chance and a pre-school environment is one of the many ways that can provide this stimulus.

I can assure you that as for justifying my job, the comments, praise and thanks from parents; excellent passes from Ofsted; the joy of seeing a child grow, develop and enter reception class fully prepared, happy with themselves, with lots of friends and actually looking forward to starting school, is more than enough justification for me and my colleagues.

By the way beweypm - I hope you don't teach your child spelling.

[beweypm]

I don't want to start a tit-for-tat debate over this and add to mum_1406' dilema.  I apologise about the spelling - it was awful but I'm afraid my passion blocked out my spelling gene.

Let me reiterate - I am not anti pre-school and just because my daughter will not be going is a decision based on what we feel is best for our daughetr and not meant to be a criticism of pre school.

As I said in my original note I get very angry when people seem to put pressure on parents to make them feel like bad parents becasue they don't send them.  It was crisgals original comment that "she will be seriously missing out on the social aspect apart from anything else" that amde me so cross.

I still believe that this is rubbish and quite 'unprofessional' of crisgal to suggest it and to make assumptions about your daughter and her abilities to socialise etc.

I too am passionate about this.  If I have offended crisgal then I can live with that.

Ikefoona says that it is "important for them to make friends and settle into a school environment" and then goes to say if you don't do it now your daughter will have the same issues when she goes to school proper.  This is an outrageous assumption on the dvelopment or not of your daughters social skills etc.  Yes it is nice for children to have friends but to say it is 'important to settle into a school environment' is true but she can do that when she goes to school.  It's a stupid comparison to make (but matches the statement) but its like saying at some stage your daughter will fall over and graze her knee, so push her over now so she knows what to expect.

Apologies for any typos - perhaps I should have gone to pre-school.

[belladonna]

  do what you instincts tell you, i would say dont listen to too meny people every one has an opinion!

we feel so much pressure to do the right thing, and that can be differant for every child, you know your own child best, do what you feel comfortable with, there is no RIGHT way.

I have 5 children 3 didnt go didnt want to, they are all in top stream, and who knows about the other two, i'll wait and see. Dont be too hard on yourself.

[SarahJST]

I have just read your message - Mum_1406 and I am going through exactly the same dilema myself. My 3.5 yr old son isn't keen to go to playschool which he started Sept 05 for just 2 half days a week. He is happy when he is there but most times says he would rather be at home with me. He is my 3rd and last child and I am tempted to take him out of playschool altogether and keep him at home with me - I have had exactly the same comments from my friends about school being too much of a shock to him at 5. I'd be interested to know what decision you madeand whether you have any other thoughts - My gut feeling is I would like to be bold and not follow the rest and take him out and maybe consider something in Sept 06 (he starts full tim e school in easter 07) or do no pre school at all. I just want to be fair to my son too and not confuse him. I don't have to send him anywhere so why would I not chioise to keep him at home - surely they have plenty of time to learn about being independant from 5.