Son is scared of boyfriend

[joannewatson]

I split with my husband well over a year ago and he moved out because he was having an affair. A few months ago I started seeing a lovely guy and as I have a 3 year old son he only came to my house after he went to bed. We got quite serious so I decided to invite him to my home a little while before my son goes to bed so he can meet him and get used to him. He came at the same time as my sister visiting so as not to make a big deal of it and introduce him as only a friend. However, my husband had just found out about him and barged his way into the house and starting punching and shouting at my boyfriend in front of our son. We have since sorted things out and things have calmed down. However, my son is now scared of my boyfriend as he understandably thinks he's a bad man because his daddy doesnt like him as he hit him (my boyfriend did not retaliate).

I'm not sure how to deal with this. Its been a couple of months now and my son is still very unsure of him. I really feel a lot for this guy and am happy for the first time in years but obviously dont want to upset my son as he comes first. Im no longer with my husband but he's still managing to mess my life up grrrr! Any advise would be appreciated thanks x

[grasscarp]

You cant make your son change his feelings. This will only come in time as he realises for himself that he is nothing to be scared of. Dont let your ex husband ruin things for you. You seem well aware of why your son feels this way, so there is no need to change anything (in my humble opinion)

[Hazel104]

I know this is a big ask and will only work if your Ex is on board, but would you be able to ask him to talk to your son?
Maybe if he reassured him that your boyfriend is a nice guy and apologises to your son and maybe even your boyfriend in front of your son that may help?

If not then grasscarp is right all you can do is reassure your son and eventually he will se for himself that your boyfriend is OK.

[Mosaic]

If your ex is acting like a pig's backside instead of an adult, you may need legal protection to control him. He has no right to barge into your home and terrify you or your guests. So first off, I'd be mentally prepared to report him for domestic violence and in the meantime inform him calmly that this will be the consequence if he ever behaves badly again.
It is very important for your son's wellbeing to see adults behaving as adults. He may years in the future feel he is to blame somehow for what went on. The only way to alleviate this is for everyone to agree to ground rules, including politeness and especially not using son to carry messages about what mummy / daddy said about XYZ.
This is a counsel of perfection, and if your husband won't abide by it it is his child who will be the loser. Sad he couldn't have kept his trousers shut and stayed home with the both of you, but that was his choice.

[Mosaic]

..and if things remain on an even keel, the little boy will come round with time. Lots of time and patience.

[joannewatson]

Thanks for the great answers. I spoke with my ex and he agreed to speak my son this weekend. However, when my boyfriend came round last night he was a different boy with him for no obvious reason. Playing on the xbox with him and talking to him when previously he would not say a word to him and only wanted to sit on my knee when he's there. Think I will still get my ex to speak to him about it though. Thanks again everyone.

[mollykins]

Plus it may help if your boyfriend brings your son a little gift, even if it's only a colouring book or something - kids at that age are pleased with the smallest of things. Then he'll think that he's a nice person.

[joannewatson]

Yeah Molly, he already did that, he bought him a massive tigger which he loves, but it seems he can't be bought haha