Nothing I Do Is Ever Enough

[shoemad]

not a question, just need to let off steam. Nothing I do is ever enough for my mum and I seem to spend my life feeling guilty.
She is 82, very fit,very active, lives five minutes away and I see her several times a week. My dad died six years ago and my mum cannot bear to spend any time on her own. She is a member of two bowls clubs, meets friends twice a week for lunch, goes out with me and my husband two nights a week to a quiz and often drops in on another night, plus we include her in any family outings for birthdays etc.
But she is never satisfied. She gets depressed if she doesn't go out on a saturday night because 'everyone goes out on a Saturday night'. We have just come back from a birthday meal with my grown up children and because we didn't want to go on anywhere afterwards or go back to her house for a drink, she has stomped out of the car in a huff. I'm at work tomorrow and have things to do but she makes me feel like I'm a kill joy.
I love my mum but she is driving me away with her neediness and unwillingness to spend any time on her own. And I'm fed up of feeling that I always fall short of her expectations.
Ok, that's it, rant over. Christmas presents to wrap for first Christmas 'do' tomorrow.

[ummmm]

She's 82. She probably knows that her time left is limited and wants to live life to the full.

[ferlew]

BLess you Shoemad, I had similar. She actually lived with me for 5 years.
Do what you want, you will never be 'right'.

[Cloverjo]

It sounds like you're doing plenty for her so don't let her upset you.
I understand that she is lonely but she can't expect you to do any more. It's good that she does lotsbwithout you too. It sounds like she has quite a full life compared to many people of her age.

[tonyav]

Easier said than done but you have your own life to live as well as what you do for your mom, just carry on as you are.

[gness]

Oh how I hate stories like this....it's so unfair when one person in a family makes others feel as you do.

I know I'm hard when it comes to families but I have a mother who would treat me the same way if she could get away with it. The times I have seen the frustration and hatred in her face when she wanted to slap me just to have her way....but she knew I wouldn't get upset...I'd walk away and ignore her til she came to her senses...that was years on more than one occasion...her loss.

I know it's your mother and you must feel torn ( I never but that's me..☺) but you have a family, you work and you need a life too.

What will she do if you leave the first contact up to her after tonight's stomping off?

Hard Gness....x

[Prudie]

My mum got just the same when she was widowed and alone entering her 80s. She used to drive me mad constantly expecting me to give up time, even though I work full time. All I can say is grit your teeth, hopefully offload your troubles onto a friend or partner and do what you can. Since she died I've felt guilty about moaning about my mother.

[237SJ]

She`s fallen into the trap of a lot of older women who have been widowed - she is seeing you as a substitute husband. You need to get the point across to her in a gentle way that you are not and you have your own life to live.

[glenbar]

How I sympathise with you. I have the same problem with my 50yr old Daughter. Good luck

[nungate]

Feel better now? Nothing I ever did was good enough for my mum until she was diagnosed with dementia, now I'm the "good girl" We may as well face it daughters seldom meet the expectations of their mother. Just carry on and remember you need to have time for yourself too and don't give in to her sulks, if she storms off in a huff let her. She needs you more than you need her now - I may sound callous but I had several instances of this happening to me in the past (before the dementia) and I refused to play her games, I think she finally got the message that I was all grown up with my own family and didn't need her as much as she needed me.

[pixie373]

It sounds like you're doing a lot already. She's lucky to have you. Do you have any brothers or sisters to help. We had a very active client (83) and we introduced her to the manager of the local sheltered housing place. She now goes down most days to join in with bingo, trips, cards, meals and helps out with their charity days. Is she frightened of being on her own?

[pussnboots]

My mum was a nightmare, she objected about anything I did, I could go on for hours about her tantrums, she found fault with everything I did, I won't bore you all with the stories but she left a very profound effect on my life.

[gness]

I was just thinking that what 237SJ has said is just what I said only she is much nicer than me...and kinder.....then I realised that I am a slightly older woman who has been widowed but I only let my children in by appointment and with a written note saying they don't want anything.......

That's a joke.........maybe....☻

[sherrardk]

Nothing I did was ever good enough for my mother although I didn't actually see a great deal of her. When I had three children she told me my house was like an orphanage (even though she had four children), the year we had to declare ourselves bankrupt and couldn't afford to buy Christmas presents for people she told me she was ashamed (never asked how we were managing to eat), the list is endless. She died young, nearly four years ago and I feel like a weight has been lifted. Families are a royal pain in the arse.

[pussnboots]

My mother always wanted a boy and didn't get one so when my son was born she only had eyes for him. She ignored my daughter completely just like she ignored me.

[grasscarp]

Shoemad. Why not write your mum a message in a card about the fact that you have a busy life and sometimes need time for yourself. Tell her that it is upsetting you to see her obvious disappointment when festivities dont go on as she wants them to. At least then you can get your point of view across. With a bit of luck she may understand.

[Sycamore3House]

My mother is the same. Nothing I do is ever right or good enough. Whilst growing up I always felt I had to live upto something but was not sure what it was or I felt I was a disappointment. Only about 10 years ago whilst chatting to a friend I realised what it was. My mother lost a daughter who was born at 24/25 weeks and did not survive (this was 1964). This was a year before I was born.
Now I know this info I have come to realise that I can not change my Mum but at least now I have a reason and can now comprehend why she is like she is with me. My brother born 2 years later backs me to the hilt and we actually joke about it.

[shoemad]

thank you, what a lot of helpful, thoughtful replies.
My mum is very young in outlook and resents the fact that she is old. She would never go to anything aimed at older people as they are 'not her sort'. She can be good company but at times her need to be included in everything we do is wearing. My husband is an absolute star and so patient.
I feel guilty so much of the time even though realistically I know that I do a lot.
Anyway, thanks again to everyone who took the trouble to respond
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