Shall I tell her the truth?

[merciasounds]

Although I've put this in family, the friend in question isn't, but I've known her over 30 years. She went through one bad divorce, picked herself up (with help) and started her own business. Which as done very well, and she's made a lot of money. I didn't see her for a few years although we always communicate Christmas and birthdays. Last time I saw her I thought se was drinking far too much, (she stayed with me and was starting on the wine at 10.30am, then sherry and vodka tonic's before lunch, wine with dinner cognag after etc, I said I thought she was 'over-doing it', her excuse was - 'Oh come on, it's Christmas'.
Anyway, she contacted me at Easter, saying she'd met somebody who could be 'the one', and could she bring him over to meet us. Well since I've been in hospital, and had my 'adopted' son to stay this is really the first time I've had to let them come - I met him last night.
OH BOY! How can I tell her she's making a huge mistake? He's virtually a carbon copy of her ex, not only in looks, but he also drinks far more than is good for him (he's lost his driving licence for 18 months last November) and, from what can gather, has no money and an ex-wife who has his two teenage daughters to look after without maintenance from him. They want to start a wine buying business for restaurants and hotels - all I can see is one big European P1ss up on her money and nothing to show for it in the end.

[Quassia]

You should be honest and say what you feel ... if asked!

[jomifl]

What is the truth and what is your opinion? She's a big girl, let her make her own decisions. Of course he is a carbon copy of her Ex, that's the kind of guy she likes. They may be happy getting drunk together (if indeed they do get drunk).

[ummmm]

It's none of your business. You also do not know what goes on behind closed doors.

[China Doll]

If it were my friend, I would tell her what I thought. But only if she asked me. Otherwise I would make arrangements to just see her in the future.

[ummmm]

How can anyone make these judgements on just one meeting?

[Ankou]

other than the fact that you appear not to like him, i don't see why you should interfere.

[murraymints]

She will not thank you for a negative comment when she is in the throes of "lurv"..... keep a distance and be there when it all goes belly up.....

[craft1948]

I think your words "I've had to let them come" says it all really...........

[kerriesmum]

Well you have two choices
1, tell her what you think and she will probably not heed your advice anyway and dig her heels in even further.
2, put up and shut up she will then learn the hard way and hopfully she will come to her senses.
I personally wouldnt say anything she is a grown up and it is her life after all. If the drinking bothers you , just dont invite them into your home again.

[sara3]

your question title is "shall I tell her the truth?" but you mean "shall I tell her my opinion?"

and I'd say no, unless she asks for it.

[wesedward]

Not really, maybe just drop a couple of hints on what you really think and see how she reacts to that.

[redcrx]

Her life, you can listen to her, support her and give her your opinion IF she asks for it. Otherwise you can be a friend just by being there if she needs you.
Only give your unasked for opinion if you are prepared to lose a friend.

[merciasounds]

She's asked me what I think of him - he's got two failed businesses, a bankruptcy judgement against him, which he claims none of which is his fault, except that his is the sole name for the directorship of these companies, and if she does marry him, to be truthful, I don't want to have to be the one who picks up the pieces again - I've got my own life.

[Old_Geezer]

Well a general rule is not to butt in unless asked. If asked then be honest, but don't stress your fears/opinions. Simply mention you are concerned she seems to have picked someone similar to the person that proved not to be 'the one' previously. But that it is her choice to make and you only mention it because that is what good friends do. Then leave it well alone.

[ummmm]

She's met him once....!!!

They might like a drink when they are socialising....

[Davethedog]

My advice about advice is don’t. If she hasn't asked don't offer, because you are interfering, I know you want to help her, but if you give an opinion, she won't like it, she will resent it, see you as jealous, of her new start and it might lead to a split between the two of you.

Even if she asks "what do you think" be uncommitted, don't endorse him but don't criticise, jus wait and be prepared to be the shoulder to cry on. You may be pleasantly surprised.

[ummmm]

My, aren't you judgemental. Having to failed businesses doesn't make him a failure. At least he tried....

[Old_Geezer]

2 failed businesses are not necessarily a guide to a bad partner. Many fail a number of times before hitting on a successful formula. I guess it depends how & why they failed. But that is for your friend to consider rather than yourself. Whether you can stand by your friend in the future is a separate matter. You need to decide that if and when it becomes an issue..

[kerriesmum]

You have said until recently you have had little contact with her so, i expect she wont want you to pick up the pieces as you say.
Just leave her to it.
My husband who passed away three years ago was made bankrupt several years ago after a failed buisiness its not a crime in my opinion. People take chances and sometimes they do not pay off.

[LoftyLottie]

She asked you what you think, but does she really want the truth? Even if we know the faults of our partners we don't wan't others to tell us. She's a grown up and can make her own decisions. You risk losing her friendship if you tell her the truth.

In my opinion, its good to listen to friends who moan about their partners and be sympathetic but not good to agree with them!!

So if it were me and she asks again I would say "you seem very well suited and I hope it all works out for you" That is being truthful without causing problems.