Problems with 11 Year Old Daughter.

[icemaiden]

Hi everyone.

I'm feeling quite sad at the moment with my relationship with my daughter. Some advice would be helpful.

She is 11 but in the past year or so she has really become moody,disrespectful and ungrateful towards myself and my partner. She always has to have the last word, she will argue that black is white, the way she talks to us both is just so nasty and with an added attitude on top it really upsets me. 99% of the time it ends up with her being sent to her room. I expected this at 13 or 14 but not 11!

I have sat down with her and asked her if everything is ok at school and elsewhere, to which I get a very bored reply of "Yes Mum". If I try to give her any advice about anything she gets really moody and says " I know Mum". But she doesn't know, it's so frustrating! She just won't listen.

I can't think of anything that has changed to make her like this. When I ask her why she talks so badly to me she just shrugs her shoulders and says "I don't know".

I really do not know what to do. I really want to nip it in the bud before it gets any worse but I do not know how. Is this normal? Do I stop her hobbies? Do I continue sending her to her room even though it has little effect? How do other people deal with it?

Any help and advice is much appreciated. I am in and out today, but will drop in when I can to look at any replies so don't think I am ignoring you. I will read each and every one.
TIA

[LoftyLottie]

11 is not too young to start behaving like this, especially for girls. Yes, it's normal. How do you deal with it? You must to keep the ground rules going but shut your ears to the nastiness etc. Pick a moment when she is in a good mood and have an informal and light heartedchat with her about it over a cuppa. Let her know it upsets you but also let her know you love her and give her a hug. They come out the other end of all this (honestly!).

[icemaiden]

Your answer is very reassuring Lofty. Thank you. x

[LoftyLottie]

Has she started her periods yet Ice Maiden?

[nannybooby]

poor you Icemaiden , this is a tough time,but it will pass.Lofty is right in her advice I used to tell my daughter when she was like this that I didnt like her much at the moment but that I still loved her and guessed that she felt much the same.Just keep being consistant .Good luck

[andy-hughes]

Welcome to puberty!

It arrives earlier with each generation, and as Lottie says, this is not too early for this behaviour to start.

I have three daughters, so i do know how dreadful this time is.

You need infinite patience, and an endless ability to see life from your daughter's point of view.

Thos raging hormones mean she hates herself, and the world, inclduing you, at various times, and is confused by how she feels - when you ask her why she behaves this way and she says she doesn't know, she is speaking the truth, however frustrating this sounds.

So try and ride out the bad times, and capitalise on the good times. In her good moods give her lots of affirmation, that she is a good person, and that you love her, and make some time for 'girlie' times like DVD's and shopping.

She needs to know that she is not a freak, and that her feelings are OK, but bad behaviour and disrespect is not. Paradoxically, she will appreciate the firm boundaries because they will make her feel secure, even if she will never tell you that!

Give her space and privacy - eseential at this age, and make her friends welcome - encourage her to have friends round, better she is at home than roaming, as so many youngsters are.

You need to stay calm and be firm - impossible at times, but she will learn by example, as all children do.

It would be great if children could go to bed one Friday night, and wake up as adults on Saturday morning. Sadly, the transition is a little longer than that - say up to about eighteen, but hang in there, she will be dipping in and out of her personality and being some horrible alien who looks and sounds like your daughter, but she will come back, I promise!

You will all get through this, and believe me, all teenagers are the same in varying degrees, so don't worry, and if you need advice, there is plenty of experience on here, so post away!

[icemaiden]

Not yet lofty, but I was her age when I started, so it could be soon.

Hi Nanny, thank you for your answer. She tends to text me in the morning when she gets to the bus stop and says Do I love her? It's almost like she needs reassurring that although she is nasty to me , she also wants to know if I still love her.

[icemaiden]

andy-hughes- I feel so much better now that people are saying it's normal. I really was worried. You really speak like a "Pro" on this one and your advice makes me feel soooo much better. Thank you for taking the time to type such an informative answer. Great advice from everyone and so quick!

[andy-hughes]

Pleasure icemaiden. i remember dealing with my oldest daughter's puberty and wondering where this monster had appeared from!

Like I say, be firm, be calm, and remind her you love her, but that does not allow her to treat you badly. Who'd be an adolescent again!!!!

[maclarencat]

When my daughter used to ask if I loved her after a tantrum I used to tell her I always loved her but didnt always like her! Now I have 3 grandaughters who are going through this stage, They are always well mannered to me but very disrespectful to their mothers at times. I reassure their Mums that it will pass. Be firm and tell her the rules before she breaks them e.g. If you are rude to me I will not take you to your next hobby club. Stick to it or it means nothing, but let her know you always care. She will grow up and be your best friend this stage is only a few years out of the long life you have together.

[ummmm]

Absolutely Triggs :-) xx

[sherrardk]

It's not just girls - my 11 year old son looks like the most miserable creature on the earth 99% of the time. I have asked him if everything is ok at school, etc and he assures me it is. He's not rude or moody, just looks miserable. I wish he would just cheer up as I can't help but worry about him. It's lovely on the rare occasions when he smiles to see the boy he used to be.

[ummmm]

My son is the same Sher....but if you read his facebook page he appears happy as Larry...

[LoftyLottie]

The 'Kevin' conversations are the best "uh, uh, wha', yeah, grunt grunt'

[LoftyLottie]

It's so hard when you are really used to having a lovely little person that chats to you all the time and is smiley and thinks you are great, etc. etc. and then they change to someone who just grunts, and won't even walk along the street beside you because you are embarrassing!!

[icemaiden]

Hi everyone. Thank you all so much for your replies. Don't take this the wrong way, but I am so relieved that other people are going through this. Triggerhippy- I have been reacting to her moodiness when really I shouldn't. It's hard not to at times.
Sherrardk - I forget that 11 year old boys also go through this difficult part of life. I am a bit naive and wasn't ready for it so soon.

Oh lofty. I even showed her a clip on you tube of Kevin just to show her what I put up with!

Thanks for everyone's input. You guys never let me down. X

[Anngel123]

Have you ever seen Kevin and Perry when Kevin hits thirteen? It is absolutely hysterical. Whenever my children behaved like this we just referred to the programme by quoting "that is so unfair". I know this is a girl, but the teenage behaviour is in both sexes. Wishing you all the best with your devil child. Rest assured the angel will reassert....in about 10 years...if you haven't killed her by then. If you can try and find something you DO have in common and spend time with her doing that it can be very beneficial. My daughter is 24 now and is a joy to be around. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

[icemaiden]

Thank you anngel123. I'm not one to wish my life away, but roll on the next ten years!

[TOWIE]

All perfectly normal, Icemaiden, though not always acceptable behaviour. My son was 22 last week and still acts up - he started puberty when he was in the delivery room - everybody said, it will get better - I'm still waiting {:o((

Just count to ten and take deep breaths.

[LoftyLottie]

How are you TOWIE?