How Can I Get My Friend To Forgive Me?

[ellenperenge]

My one friend has a really huge gut but a skinny body. I've been making fun of her for it for a while. She constantly works out, and she gets skinnier everywhere except her gut. Her gut is so big she looks six months pregnant. She went to the doctor recently because for the past couple of months she has been in intense pain in her abdomen, her side, and down her right leg and her lower back. It turns out that the reason she has a huge gut is because she has a six pound ovarian cyst. She is actually a lot smaller than she thought, but the cyst has been growing for a couple years now. She has been mad at me for a couple of weeks because I called her a big fat pathetic fatty. I only know all of this because one of our mutual friends told me what is going on. I feel bad now that I know she isn't fat. I've already apologized once but she told me to **** off and she doesn't want my sympathy. How do I get her to forgive me?

[ellenperenge]

Okay, well it is for real. I am trying out the letter, except with an email. My friends and I also actually make fun of each other all the time. Up until a couple years ago I used to have terrible acne and the same friend that I made fun of for being fat actually would bug me about the acne. I'm asking advice for how to fix a situation, I already feel bad enough. So does it make you feel good to insult a stranger online? What the hell would be the point in making a fake story like this anyway? I can't ask anyone offline about this, so it's easier to ask on anonymous sites. And yes, sorry it's true. I do feel bad once it's a medical condition and not something that I thought is her own fault.

I can't stand it when people stuff their faces and then sit there and cry and say "Oh, why can't I lose weight? boo hoo" I can't have sympathy for people who aren't willing to help themselves. So yes, I will be mean about it. When it's simple as DIET and exercise, then they shouldn't be complaining. When it is a medical condition, like a thyroid problem or something more serious then yes, I would be an awful person to be mean about it. And since she has a huge cyst and is losing an ovary over it, then yes I feel terrible and if I had known beforehand I would never have been mean about it.

And yes, I mentioned that she does exercise but exercise alone doesn't help. I know plenty of people who work out at the gym but then eat McDonalds afterwards and then ask why they are still gaining weight. So I assumed that was her problem since she kept getting a bigger and bigger belly, and she loves chocolate. She eats more chocolate than anyone I know even when she exercises.

Also, as another poster posted about getting made fun of for being short. My friends tease me about that too all the time. They make remarks like: "At least you'll never have to go on your knees," or "Can you even reach that?" "What's it like to be midget?" and again, she was another person who would laugh at me for being short. So it's okay for people to laugh at me for something I CAN'T HELP but it's not okay for me to tease them about something I THOUGHT they could help?

And after I realize I made a horrible mistake, and I want to make up for it I have to deal with people telling me I am lying and that I am a horrible person?

And I am not the only person who has ever said something about her gut. Her ex-boyfriend actually dumped her because her gut was growing more and more and he didn't feel attracted to her anymore. And her own sister has bugged her about it as well. She actually recommended she take raspberry keytones because she was taking them and she lost ten pounds on them.

But I guess everyone on this site has never been mistaken about something.

[murraymints]

Right Ellen....rant over... you have been given advice so now is the time to think about how your friend feels and to compose a sincere and honest e mail....

[vodkancoke]

In my opinion there is a difference calling someone "fatty" to calling someone a "big, pathetic fatty". The second, in my mind, is venemous but that's just me. I have had a weight problem for the past 8 years. I was always skinny, had a horrible break up and I stayed in and ate, and ate and ate. I exercised now and again, tried all the fad diets but nothing worked...it was my head that needed looking at! My friends and I tease each other all the time but none of them would have ever called me that! They know how much that would hurt someone. I have had weightloss surgery and today I have lost exactly 6 stone since September.......and I still have all my friends!
If I had done what you had done, I would send her a bunch of flowers and a card. I don't know if I would expect her to forgive me, but at least I would know I have tried. If she doesn't accept your forgiveness, then let it be a lesson to you to think before you speak.
Oh and before you start, I have made plenty of mistakes, but I know when to draw the line at someone's feelings.

[2sp_]

I get that you feel like you have been attacked on her. Would you have preferred that we all said that it wasn't your fault as you didn't know she was ill? And because others also made comments about her weight it was OK for you to do it too, and she shouldn't be upset with you because you weren't alone in making her feel like crap?

We have all made mistakes, said and done things that we regret. It's human nature. It's how you fix those mistakes that make you a better person.

You seem to be feeling sorry for yourself as she won't forgive you. Try putting her feelings first. Write your letter of apology and if she doesn't want to know, leave her alone.

I'm not saying that you are a bad person, just that you made an error of judgement.

[Maydup]

I'd leave her alone if I were you.

If it were me, I'd have told you where to go long ago if you'd said those things to me. She's done well to make it to this stage so let her go and find someone new to pick on.

[jakep]

Banter between friends is amusing - this is not banter.
You have stated that you will be mean to people if they are not what you think they should be.
Leave her alone now. You were not her friend.

[ellenperenge]

" Would you have preferred that we all said that it wasn't your fault as you didn't know she was ill?" Of course not, but it is possible to give advice without getting hostile about it. All people had to say what they thought I had to do with saying I am lying about this, or without being insulting. On yahoo answers (which is another place I posted this for more advice) I see some really stupid and messed up questions, but I've never once attacked the questioner about their question. I just answered the best I could and left.

" And because others also made comments about her weight it was OK for you to do it too, and she shouldn't be upset with you because you weren't alone in making her feel like crap? " No I never said I did it because others were doing it, I was just pointing that I wasn't the only one who did it to all the haters who think it was just me. Who think that I just posted this as a wind up. People on this site seem to think that things like this don't happen. And yet if I were asking advice because someone had wronged me, they would believe it happened. But because I did it, and I am asking advice on how to fix a bad mistake I had, I get jumped all over.

No, I was not asking for people to feel sorry she won't forgive me. I was not asking if people believed me or not either. The question was, "How do I get her to forgive me?" and that's it. I only added the long explanation because I got angry that people only wanted to jump all over me when all they had to do was answer the question. I liked the answer about writing the email (which I am still working on) so instead of a person insulting me. Just say "Write her a letter about how sorry you are" and that's it. Leave the insults out. And the ones about "Yeah I don't believe this, sorry" really aren't helpful. So don't even comment then. There is a back button.

Or is it just hard for people to give advice without being jerks about it?

And yes, if she doesn't forgive me after the email, and the flowers and card. I will let it be.

But I am allowed to ask aren't I? Or do you think it would be better that I don't apologize after I made a bad mistake. You think that is better? You think I should just let it go without apologizing again, and not wish her luck on surgery regardless if she forgives me or not. Because I plan to, even if she doesn't forgive me. I still plan to wish her luck and hope that she recovers. If a person didn't truly feel bad about it, would they be asking advice? No, I would just move on and forget it happened. Instead, I am resorting to asking for advice on q and a sites on what to do. And it pisses me off that people think it's a 'wind up' or a 'troll' post.

The reason this is my first question is because I signed up to ask for this question. Was I supposed to try and think of a dozen other questions to post before I was allowed to post this one?

[888sally888]

2 words - total b1tch

[sara3]

lol.. I'm glad you're not my "friend" because a) you're really rude and b) you're really unpleasant and c) you ramble on and on and on and on.

now get back under your bridge!

[trt]

Uncalled for 888sally888.

[888sally888]

trt - I don't think so - it takes a lot to make me use that word, but here I think it's well deserved.

How can you be a friend to someone and treat them like that?

[EcclesCake]

You've repeatedly said 'How can I get my friend/her to forgive me?'

This is a supremely arrogant position to take, you cannot GET your friend to forgive you, she has to choose to give it.

Your behaviour so far would not illicit my forgiveness.

[pastafreak]

Forgiveness needs to come from the heart...it is not something that you can "get" someone to do. It's a bit like 'making' someone like or love you. It can't be done.
I suggest you send your letter of apology-and be done with it. Do not expect any thing back,as I doubt you will get it.

[wolf63]

I wonder what she thinks of you. There is nothing 'wrong' with being fat. I am fat (very fat) and the cause of this is complicated. It is partly down to me being ill and partly because I am not very energetic.

I have good friends that I have had for many years, some male and some female. They can see that I am fat but they are empathic and intelligent enough to see past that.

My best friend calls me Fatty and there is no malice in it, it doesn't bother me. But if she called me pathetic I would not be so pleased.

Being fat is not good - we all know this - I have some problems with a sore back which restricts my walking seriously - but being fat doesn't make a person 'bad' .

If I was your friend I would avoid you like the plague.

[Purple_Popple]

You are no friend. Friends do not insult other friends. She is better off without you in her life. You dont deserve her to forgive you Im afraid. I suggest you take the hint and disappear out of her life and let her find some decent people to call friends.

[Prudie]

I'd never forgive you either, not just for being mean but being uncaring - anyone with an ounce of sense would know that someone who was skinny all over but had a huge gut was either pregnant or ill.

[sherrardk]

I suspect you only want her to forgive you to make you feel better and that you don't actually care about her or her feelings. I hope she has some sense and has nothing more to do with you.

[cazzz1975]

Personally I would distance myself from friends who deliver personal insults, you would probably do her a big favour by leaving her alone.

[ladyalex]

You poor misunderstood soul.
Coming here for honest advice and just being attacked.
When all you wanted to hear was that you were only having a bit of a laugh with your friend who is now just being plain mean by not forgiving you after you had gone to all the trouble of apologising to her.
What is the world coming to?
Perhaps you should tell all of your other friends just how mean this girl has been so that they can all stay friends with you and stop being friends with her.
Was this anything like the response you wanted/ expected ?