Why Would My Ex Says These Things To Me

[Dolphinlady]

Me and my ex have been trying to stay friends since we split last nov. We have fallen out loads of times since but the other day I gave a reference to someone for a job for him. He thanked me by taking me for a coffee in my lunch break. We were talking and he suddenly said that he missed me and that he knows that he was awful to me last year and this year for that matter and he said he was sorry. When I got back to the office I sent him an email saying thank you and that it was great to see and apologised for being nervous and that ll the feelings that I had had come flooding back . I told him to look after himself and that I still missed him.. His response was pretty much the same but he also added a few things in that he should've done when we were together , which I though was not necessary. He rang me last night( sober) and got into the conversation somehow that he's still loved me but wasn't in love with me and that he wasn't saying he wanted me back but he wanted me to know that he has always loved me and always will and that he admits that he does miss me etc and started going on that he should been better when we were together.. I got confused because there was no reason to tell me all this as he didn't want me back anyway , so why would he spill his heart out like that , he wasn't drunk because it was 9pm at night and he was home .

[andy-hughes]

When couples split up, there is rarely a simple split, end of contact, end of thoughts, job done - that only happens in soaps where one party gets in a black cab and drives of to panto land.

Here in real life, things are never that simple.

If you have contact with your ex, either or both of you are going to be scratching off the scabs of the wounds that split you up in the first place.

This becomes a minefield of - what did this sentence / reaction / kiss / phone-call mean? And round you go, messing with your heads, and it is no good for either of you.

If you are going to move from 'ex's' to genuine friends, where each knows where the lines are, and does not cross them, then the best thing is to have a clean break for a few months with no contact at all.

When everyone can think straight, you can work out what each of you want, and decide if both of you can be friends.

If one wants more than the other is prepared to give, then friendship is not going to happen, and that is when you stop all contact completely - it's the only way to avoid messing up your life in the future.

The notion of a friendship with someone you were once in love with sounds like a great idea - adult, civilised, remembering all the good times, and so on.

But it is not that easy, and you have to be prepared, and willing, to let this man go for both your sakes.

Start with a prolonged gap with no contact. If friendship is going to be an option, this will do no harm. If you or he is fretting, then it is not friendship you or he want, and that is the time to re-assess things.

Be clear-headed, be adult, and don't pine for something that is not going to be there if this doesn't work, and from his actions, it's not looking hopeful for a mature friendship for the two of you.

Give it a chance, so you know you tried, but be realistic, and be fair to you and to him - it may be time to put this into the memory bank, and move on.

[Dolphinlady]

Thanks andy that all makes sense.. I have tried to stay away and we did do that last year but then he came back.. I never contact him it's always him contacting me and it was him that threw it into the conversation the other day that he still loved me but didn't want me back and went on to say that he regretted not doing some things to make it work etc so that's what confused me and also when we met up he wanted to be on his own with me and just wouldn't stop telling me he missed me and hugged me a lot.. So I keep getting mixed signals.. But you are right we need to make a Clean break but he insists on being friends.

[andy-hughes]

He can only 'insist on being friends' if you allow him that control.

If you put the phone down if he calls you, and ignore any written communication, you take that power away, and that is what is needed here.

Right now, he is controlling this situation, and that needs to change.

[joko]

perhaps hes just not 100% sure, and is worried he could have made a mistake in splitting so is trying out other people in the belief that it will clear things up in his mind - obviously it hasnt though

i have had this problem - terrified i was just acting on a mood or a whim and it wasnt what i really wanted - my mind changed constantly and it is hard to know what you really want.

he may not understand how much this is bothering you.

the only way you can be friends in the future is to have a good period of being apart - you cannot just being friends straightaway - you need to let the feelings die