I feel sorry for you being in this situation but if you are feeling so confused and unhappy about this abusive situation, just imagine what your children are going through. Surely they don't need to be subjected to their mother getting physically and mentally abused. Domestic violence is never, never acceptable in any shape or form - there are organisations out there set up to help in these situations so contact them. This will certainly end badly but you have the power to end it now and stop this man controlling your life.